Geo-Logic

21812- Geo & The Geologic Orchestra

2011-11-04T11:28:00.002-05:00

Geo & Triologic in NYC 4/9/11

2011-03-28T14:36:00.000-05:00

Golden Ticket Tour Dates

2011-02-01T11:34:00.017-05:00

Feb. 5-6
QED Conference: Host/MC

Feb. 5th
Evening performance at QED

Feb. 8
Sheffield, UK
The Plug, 14-16 Matilda Street – 7:30 pm [doors open]
Box Office: 0114 241 3040
Sponsored by Sheffield Skeptics in the Pub
Sheffield Skeptic in the Pub on facebook

Feb. 9
Surrey, UK
Wates House on the University of Surrey Campus
5:30pm - 7:00 pm
Sponsored by the University of Surrey Skeptic & Atheist Society
Special guest performances by Carmen d'Cruz and Milton Mermikides

Feb. 10
London, UK
[pending]

Feb. 12
Dublin, Ireland
Exchange Dublin
Exchange Street Upper, Temple Bar – 8:00 pm
Sponsored by Skeptic Ireland, Atheist Ireland and Occam's Barbershop
This might be live-streamed GMT. Stay tuned for details. Ms. Information will most likely tweet this news as it's known.

Feb. 14
Lund, Sweden
Gloria's Sports Bar – 7:00 pm

Feb. 15
Gothenburg, Sweden
Henriksberg – 7:00 pm

Feb.16
Oslo, Norway
Café Mir – 6 to 11 pm
Toftesgate 69
Sponsored by Oslo Skeptics in the Pub

Feb. 17
Stockholm, Sweden
Big Ben – 7:00 pm

Feb. 18
Helsinki, Finland
Mika- GOLDEN TICKET WINNER
Black Door – 8:00 pm

As we have updates, we will amend this tour list. If you have any information on any of these dates, please post in the comments
or email Ms. Information.

See you on the tour!

Recent Geo Web Slinging

2011-01-22T13:32:00.004-05:00

Just in case you missed any of 'em...

Here are a number of recent interviews/appearances I've made on the Interwebs.

Inkredulous
Episode 8 of the very fun skeptical panel show. Other guests include Ash Pryce, Brian Thompson, and Dr.T. Hosted by Andy Wilson.

Scopes Monkey Choir
This is a fun podcast about music & reason. Great hosts, and they talk about crumhorns. What's not to love?

Dimland Radio
A two part interview with fellow critical thinker Jim Fitzsimons.

SheThought
Sharon Hill has a lovely, lengthy chat with the one and only Ms.Information.

Humanistpodden
A Swedish podcast with the coolest sounding first question I've ever had.

Skeptic Zone
I fill in as host and am interviewed by Maynard. Yes Maynard.

Pseudo Scientists
This is audio from the Styrofoam Tour stop that I performed in Melbourne. Nice Q&A.

Rational Capital
Here's a podcast from my friends in Canberra. They asked me to be on the panel while I was visiting their lovely city.

Occam's Barbershop
A radio interview with my friend Cian.

and as always, there's the weekly dose of Hrabian-Glory™ known as The Geologic Podcast.

Enjoy.

Geologic Podcast Show #197

2011-01-06T12:51:00.002-05:00

The Geologic Podcast Show 197

available HERE

The Show Notes:

More Oz thanks...

New Years Eve Cart

intro

addicted to Ginger Beer

Goodbye Sammy

Fossil find

Interesting Fauna

Glowing Clusterwink Snail from Gary Lindross
Cacoxenus indagator from Jason Smith

Religious Moron of the Week

Hepatitis Wafer Handler from Ag Primatic

Things People LOVE that actually SUCK

The Blues

Ask George

Blue Man Group? from Jason Wagnon
Toms? from Ben in Bloomsburg
Jazz in NYC? from Chris Moore
Music tolerance? from Rick Sheppe
PFA accounting? from Chuck Patterson

Happy Birthday Sis-

show close

I Don't Believe in Christmas

2010-12-23T14:02:00.003-05:00

Here's a new tune for the holidays- Merry & Happy!

I Don’t Believe In Christmas

Every time this time of year

I weigh the way we spread good cheer

And wonder if it matters one bit

why we’re nicer, my advice sir-

enjoy what the day brings despite stories of kings

relish the things that you give and are given

Every time this time of year

I explain in ways plain and clear

to my relief I have no belief

in the reason for the season

but I’m one who defends if these means to these ends

result in smiling friends, who once were strangers

where’s the danger?

I don’t believe in Christmas

but I love it anyway

Every time this time of year

I voice a voice some don’t hold dear

and proudly shout despite my doubt

“seasons greetings” at family meetings

and I still can enjoy like when I was a boy

unwrapping every toy that I get, and each one I’m giving

this is living

I don’t believe in Christmas

but I love it anyway

The best of intentions never equal the gifts that you got

with a season so perfect I’ll forgive that its reason is not

Every time this time of year

I love the love both far and near

and wonder if it matters one bit

why we’re nicer.

Article from Adelaide

2010-12-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

Geo's Styrofoam Tour

2010-11-01T11:48:00.004-05:00

Geo's Styrofoam Tour of Australian & New Zealand 2010
STYROFOAM TOUR

TAM Australia
Nov.26-28 Sydney

Nov. 29
Brisbane, QLD
The Redbrick Hotel,
83 Annerley Road, South Brisbane
7.30pm

Nov. 30
Melbourne, VIC
Clyde Hotel
385 Cardigan St, Carlton Victoria
8:00 PM

Dec.1
Christchurch, NZ
The Twisted Hop
6 Poplar Street, Christchurch
7:00 PM

Dec.2. Auckland, NZ

Dec.3
Adelaide, SA
Royal Institution of Australia
8:00 PM

Dec.5
Canberra, ACT
King O'Malley's Irish Pub
1:00 - 4:00 pm

Many, many thanks to
TAM Australia & Australian Skeptics
...and Catherine Donaldson, Gold, Elvin Lucic, Andrew Gould,
Dennis Bowden, Kylie Sturgess, and A Kovacs

Geo & Triologic LIVE: Friday, September 10th

2010-09-07T15:02:00.003-05:00

...and yes I meant SECRECT. (ooops)

Geo & Triologic LIVE: Tuesday August 10th

2010-08-03T12:20:00.004-05:00

Geo Show FRIDAY July 16th at Godfrey Daniels

2010-07-12T12:23:00.002-05:00

Upcoming Geo Performances

2010-07-06T14:50:00.006-05:00

Near and not so near future gigs:

Friday July 16, 2010
GODFREY DANIELS
Bethlehem PA
George Hrab & Triologic
Geo, Vinnie Puccio & Eric Kenlin
8:00 PM
INFO

Saturday July 17th, 2010
NERDAPALOOZA
Orlando, Florida
George Hrab
5:15 solo perfomance
INFO

Tuesday August 10th, 2010
STARFISH BRASSERIE
Bethlehem, PA
George Hrab & Triologic
Geo, Vinnie Puccio & Eric Kenlin
9:00 PM
INFO

Friday August 13th, 2010
MUSIKFEST
Bethlehem, PA
Geo w/ Philadelphia Funk Authority
Americaplatz 9:00 PM
INFO

full PFA schedule

Thursday Sept. 2 – Monday Sept. 6th, 2010
DRAGON*CON
Atlanta, GA
George Hrab, live podcast, panels
INFO

Saturday, October 9th, 2010
TEXAS FREETHOUGHT CONVENTION
Dallas, Texas
George Hrab
8:00 PM concert
INFO

November 26-29th, 2010
The AMAZ!NG MEETING: AUSTRALIA
Sydney, Australia
George Hrab, panels, performance
INFO

...see you at the shows.

Celebrate Independent's Day

2010-06-22T12:17:00.004-05:00

Gigs & Performances & Recipes. (Well... no recipes.)

2010-04-28T12:26:00.002-05:00

Here's what's what in the next few months...

TRIOLOGIC
George Hrab, guitar, vocals; Vinnie Puccio, bass; Eric Kenlin, drums
Thursday, May 6th, 2010
Tunes at Twilight
Sun Inn Courtyard
Bethlehem, PA
6:00 - 8:00 pm | Concert

Geo and the boys play an outdoor concert in Historic Bethlehem.
For more information, check out the City of Bethlehem's site.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TRIOLOGIC
George Hrab, guitar, vocals; Vinnie Puccio, bass; Eric Kenlin, drums
Friday, July 16th, 2010
Godfrey Daniels
7 East Fourth Street
Bethlehem, PA 18015
610-867-2390
8:00 pm | Concert, byob

Geo and the boys make an appearance at one of the most venerable small performing arts stages in the country, Godfrey Daniels, a member-supported listening room.
Tickets by reservation or at the door.
Box Office Hours: 2 pm - 6 pm, Tuesday through Saturday

MUSIKFEST WEEK
TRIOLOGIC
George Hrab, guitar, vocals; Vinnie Puccio, bass; Eric Kenlin, drums
Tuesday August 10th, 2010
Starfish
51 West Broad Street, Bethlehem, PA 18018
610-332-8888
8:00 pm | Performance

Starfish is a restaurant/bar that advocates independent music.
During Musikfest Week, Kristofer Sandoval, the executive chef and owner, stacks the deck with amazing talent. This should be a very fun, very rowdy time.

DRAGON*CON
Solo Performance
September 3-6, 2010 | performance date TBA
Musician, author and podcaster George Hrab brings his insightful tunes and anecdotes for another standing room only LIVE show at Dragon*Con. For more information, check out Dragon*Con and listen to the the Geologic Podcast for more developments.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

TAM AUSTRALIA
Solo Performance
November 26-28, 2010 | information TBA
George Hrab will visit Oz and the continent surely will never be the same. Stay tuned to the podcast as the plan develops.

TAM London DVD Now Available

2010-02-03T20:17:00.002-05:00

TAM London.

12 hours of footage available on DVD.

GO...

GO NOW!

Pre-Order your Copy HERE

Holy crap- that's my guitar next to Adam Savage...

tee hee!

Geo Gigs in States not Starting with "Penna"

2009-11-11T22:21:00.002-05:00

A couple of cool road trips coming up.

Here's a chance to for us to chat.

And why not?

Chicago Skeptics Meetup
Thursday, November 19th
Burton Place
1447 N. Wells St., Chicago
7:30 pm

Post Performance Meetup
Friday, November 20th
Matisse Tavern & Grill
674 W Diversey Ave
Chicago, IL 60614
773-528-6670
....................................

Boston Skeptics in the Pub
Monday, November 23rd
Tommy Doyle's, Harvard Square
96 Winthrop St.
Cambridge, MA 02138
7:00 – 10:00 pm

FACEBOOK event page

See you there...

Geologic 3.0 Musikfest

2009-07-25T14:06:00.003-05:00

Upcoming Cool Stuff

2009-04-30T12:38:00.003-05:00

Gigs, gigs, and more gigs…

Some cool Philadelphia Funk Authority Gigs-

Thursday, Apr 30th
The Red Lion
151 Bleecker Street
New York, NY 212-260-9797 10 pm
info HERE

Friday May 22nd
Sellersville Theater
24 W. Temple Ave., Sellersville, PA (tickets $15)
215-257-5808 8 pm
info HERE

Friday, May 15th
Kildare's Manayunk
4417 Main Street, Manayunk, PA 19406
215-482-7242 10 pm
info HERE

PFA info HERE

GEO’s BALTICON SHOWS:

The Maryland Regional Science Fiction & Fantasy Convention
Memorial Day Weekend
May 22-25, 2009
At Marriott's Hunt Valley Inn, Baltimore, MD
BALTICON

ALL GEO's EVENTS ARE on SATURDAY MAY 23rd

Live Reading-
12:00 Noon
Pimlico

Live Aliens You Will Meet-
3:00 PM
Chesepeake Room

Concert-
7:00 PM
Hrab Stage

Live Podcast-
9:00 PM
Chesepeake Room

more info HERE

AND OF COURSE...

TAM7 The Amaz!ng Meeting
Southpoint Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas Nevada
July 9-12, 2009

Friday, July 10, 9:00 - 10:30 p.m.

Double Feature! "The Nigerian Spam Scam Scam" & George Hrab

When actor Dean Cameron got the email we've all seen -- "Please help me, I am the beneficiary of $30 million!" -- he didn't delete it like the rest of us would. Instead, he responded in kind, taking the spammers for a ride that lasted well over a year. He turned this misadventure into a hilarious one-man show that has received accolades from the Los Angeles Times to Penn Jillette.

Also, musician, skeptic, and podcaster George Hrab will entertain the crowd with his outstanding mix of humor, tunes, and critical thinking. This is a must-see presentation.

Saturday, July 11, 7:30 - 10:00 p.m.

The JREF Talent Show

Are you talented? We're skeptical, so you'll have to prove it. We're throwing a good old-fashioned talent show, to see how well skeptics can do whatever it is they do. Sing, juggle, prestidigitate, tell jokes: show us what you've got. To apply, send a brief email outlining your talent to Alison Smith: alison@randi.org (please cc A B Kovacs as well: abkovacs@randi.org). Applications will be accepted until May 1, and finalists notified before June 1.

Only 10 applicants will be chosen, so make sure you practice! The Top 3 winners will receive prizes, and the others will receive the undying devotion of their fellow JREFers, or, more likely, simply be made fun of.

Added bonus: George Hrab is MCing!

Served Cold

2009-02-18T15:22:00.003-05:00

For relative context, go listen to to Episode 42 of the Geologic Podcast...

* * * * * *

One of my spies sent in the following e-mail, and let me just say that my cockles are warm.

Here it is, in it's entirety.

(Nice of her to attatch an e-mail marked "Confidential", no?)

From: Nancy Clark
To: ALL
Subject: Last Day

And on that note (no pun intended), this Friday will be my last day at Moravian College. It has been a pleasure working with various members of the college constituency during my 14 years here.

Nancy Clark

From: Thomforde, Christopher
To: College and Comenius Center
Subject: Important Message from President Thomforde - Responding to the Financial Crisis
Importance: High
Sensitivity: Confidential

Men and Women of Moravian:

I want to provide you with an update on Moravian's efforts to respond to the financial crisis.

The Finance Committee of the College Board met on Monday, February 9, 2009 to review the recommendations presented by the Senior Staff for the 2009-2010 budget. I shared these recommendations with you during my colloquium address in late January.

On Monday, February 9, 2009, the Finance Committee approved these recommendations after careful consideration and discussion.

Today we have acted upon those recommendations which have to do with personnel actions.

Specifically, we have eliminated six current positions and reduced 4 positions from 12 month to 10 month contracts. All personnel affected by these actions were notified today.

While these types of personnel actions are always difficult, they were made as part of our efforts to reduce our operating budget by $2 million in fiscal year 2009-10 and reducing positions was necessary as a part of this process.

I thank everyone who participated in this difficult process for your assistance.

Christopher M. Thomforde

President

2009-02-13T13:13:00.005-05:00

Just for complete %100 immersion...

Here is the video for FAR (365 Days of Astronomy Theme).

This is what one person can do with a camera, iMovie, a pair of Rollerblades, and a bunch of silly hats.

Enjoy-

FAR theme for the 365 Days of Astronomy podcast

2009-01-31T09:58:00.021-05:00

"Far" is the theme song that the Maestro wrote for the fabulous 365 Days of Astronomy podcast. He performed this at the International Year of Astronomy opening ceremonies during the AAS conference, Long Beach, California, 2009.

Download the mp3 here.

It's not just far. It's far out.
Enjoy!

astronomically yours,
Ms. Information for the Geologic Universe

......................................

lyrics

You ponder the universe and a look comes 'cross your face
You try to fathom distances of all the stuff in space
But you can't wrap the bacon of your mind around the fig
Of all the terms required to describe how big is big

So let me get specific, and use words scientific
Go whip out your thesaurus, for this exacting chorus

This stuff is far, [it's really far] this stuff is far far far away
We're talkin' far, [like über far] you can't get there by car in a day
It's super duper crazy far but not just pulsars quasars and stars
I mean it's far, far, far, if there's some doubt listen to us shout [THIS STUFF IS FAR]

I sense all the explosions going off inside your brain
As your mind gets blown by what I just did explain
Sorry if my words might drive you all insane
But that's what happens when precision is your middle name

So with an exacting factor, like some sextant or protractor
Using details quite semantic, I'll show how huge is this gigantic

CHORUS

...far too big to explain in any concise ways,
it might just have to take 365 days

I hope that I have offered up some technical assistance
And haven't caused your ticker too much ventrical resistance
But you have got to listen and trust my insistence
That I am very accurately describing the distance

CHORUS

©2009 Geologic Records

Why I Do What I Dubi Do

2009-01-24T13:49:00.007-05:00

Every now and then I wonder if the all of the silliness that I try to accomplish on a weekly basis has ANY effect on anything. And then I get an e-mail like this. Too cool. The subject line of this particular letter was:

Ubi dubium, ibi Monty Python! Or... How Mr. Hrab is Changing the World

I have to say that caught my attention.

Check it out-

Dear George,

My name is Jean-Frédéric and I write to you today to, first and foremost, tell you how you have changed my life immensely. Poems, lyrics and prose, do not hold enough power; can not encompass the magnitude of my gratitude towards you for having shown me the way to a wider world, with your skepticism and determined atheism shinning bright like beacons, both as bold as a candle in the dark.

Decreasing the speed of Superlatives from warp factor nine to one, I'd like to tell you a bit of my life story, so that it may make my point of how strong your impact was on my life, a vivid one. It all started 4.5 billion years ago...ok maybe that's taking it a bit too far back. In all seriousness (or at least I'll try), it all started when I was 8 and found myself hunting down any books I could find on ghosts, UFO's, Big Foot and all Occult subjects you could think of. This fascination kept with me and kept on growing, as I started to ask people around me if they ever had a strange phenomenon happened to them or seen anything out of this world. By the age of 13 I knew, in detail, about the Project Blue Book, the Socorro affair, how to catch ghosts on "high tech" equipment, and so on and so forth, I had even sunk in the underworld of conspiracy and trans-dimensional theories.

At 15, now surrounded by friends that were heavily into spiritualism, Wicca and anything paranormal under the sun (or the moon), I decided to start writing down and take audio recording of them recounting their encounters with the supernatural, which I dubbed: "The Chaos Chronicles." After a dew interviews, I started to go out with them on their spirit hunts, where they "saw" invisible creatures like mind-vampires, purple and winged demon temptresses with Machiavellian schemes to take the city from other spirit beings. As I sat with them in the car (or drove most of the time), I tried seeing these things, I caught myself saying things like "I think I see a spirit gargoyle over that way or a spectral shift following us" and at first they dismissed my claims saying that those were "nothings" or misdirection created by the "Others", making me feel out of the loop. Eventually, with time, any glimpse, shift or imagination–fed creation that I pointed out, they saw and sadly I started seeing them as well.

For years I continued to, every few months, questioned them and gather information, but as I did this investigating work, I started to realize the holes in some of their explanations and the derision that they had for anyone who didn't "get it" including me, at some points or other, when I asked probing questions…

I got married to my lovely wife Jennifer and a few months later became a father to my wonderful Madeleine. My friends came by to congratulate us and (unbeknownst to me) they put seals of protections around my daughter's room. This was told to me on a later date, when I inquired why I had not heard from them in a while regarding paranormal happenings and was also told that I was being kept less informed because I now had a family and they did not want me or them become pray to the spirit armies…From that point on I continued my interest in ghosts and the paranormal but let the "Spirit War" alone and forgotten.

Finally, a year ago this march, I was listening to Steve Mirsky on the SciAm podcast, since I have always been interested in Scientific American at a very young age because my mom had them around the house being a Microbiologist by trade and having those kind of interests. In any case, Mr. Mirsky was mentioning a group that he had podcasted with not too long ago, The Skeptic Guide to the Universe, and that they were a great fun bunch and that we should go check them out. Now my first thought was, "great— skeptics— those guys who can't see through the web of lies the government spins and are close-minded about everything.” Still I figured it could be a laugh to hear what they had to say and I should see what lies on the other side of my point of view.

That, dear Sir, is when I downloaded ALL their podcasts and started from the very beginning and tore through them all in three months, so that by mid may I was up to date. A little while later in the year I heard you in one of their podcasts talk about all the many things you were doing in your podcast. This made me rush to my computer, download every single one of your shows, and devour every second of it, like a God-Hungry Kronos.

Thanks to you and many others, I am now a skeptic to the core. You see, I have a Bachelor's degree in History with a minor in Ancient Studies, I have been a Senior Credit Analyst for over 10 years ( I'm 29 right now) but, in part because the inspiration you've brought me, I am going back to school, studying for a certificate in Communication studies and then a Master's degree in either Public Relations (so that I may help spread a rational, skeptical way of thinking in schools, the media and our government) or in Scientific Journalism. I’d like to help push towards a more unbiased, truthful view of new scientific discoveries and debunking of Crap Based Medicine and all its pseudoscientific brothers & sisters.

In any case, one thing I really need to get across here is that the SGU, Randi, Penn Jillette and many more may have laid the ground work for my skepticism, but you my friend, I can proudly say, are on equal footing with the Great Carl Sagan for opening my eyes to the hypocrisy of religion, and for making me see the way to Atheism. Since then, I have been a “closet atheist” for many months now (in large part due to the fact that my wife sees the universe a bit different that I do…) but I have found the courage to label myself for who I am: A Skeptic Atheist.

In conclusion, thank you again George for what you have brought in my life. I must say that your music is amazing; your lyrics are transcendent, seriously hilarious and hilariously serious all at once.

With my greatest regards to you,

Sincerely,

Jean-Frédéric Samson
Vaudreuil, Qc, Canada

You can see Monsieur Samson's blog HERE.

Thank you sir. Thank you.

'Tis The Season

2008-12-09T17:14:00.005-05:00

What a crazy cool bunch of gifts.

Wha?

Well... first off...

I've been reading the JREF's weekly newsletter/web post blog thang (SWIFT) for almost ten years, and just today, they posted an article that I wrote.

I'll say that again.

THE JREF POSTED AN ARTICLE I WROTE.

[squee!]

Go HERE to see for yourself...

I know that I've been involved with the JREF a lot over this last year, but seeing something I wrote, on what FOR YEARS was the exclusive private playground of James Randi, is just kinda mind-numbing. It's like I'm actually a part of a movement or something. I mean... garsh...the list of posters (as opposed to a list of posers) that they have is pretty humbling.

[You've got Randi of course, but there's also the new JREF president and all around incredo-human Phil Plait; Richard Saunders of the Australian Skeptics and the number one TV show down under; über b3 babe herself Alison Smith; ridiculously generous and threateningly intelligent Jeff Wagg; PLUS folks like Joseph Albietz, Brian Dunning, and Harriet Hall. What the hell am I doing with THESE people?]

SWIFT has gone from being something that would be refreshed every Friday, to something that is updated every day (more like a blog, less like a newsletter) and it's really quite a gift to see my words up there.

H.U.M.B.L.E.D.

But wait... there's more...

Here's another cool gift-

The fine folks at the International Year of Astronomy (namely Dr.Pamela Gay) have asked me to perform in California at their opening ceremonies during the American Astronomical Society's yearly conference.

[Yes- you may go HERE to see]

I have won the NERD LOTTO.

...and I could not be more excited.

PLUS-

I grabbed what appeared to be the last PERFECT TREE from my local purveyor of freshly killed holiday greenery.

Nice.

Here it is in its proper atheist/nüovo-pagan/retro-druid setting:

So... just in case you have arrived here from the aforementioned SWIFT article...
this is but a remote outpost of the Geologic Empire.

The brain center/command deck of this particular starship is

THE GEOLOGIC PODCAST

FREE weekly shows are posted every Thursday morning,
with a site featuring an extensive archive and coffee bar.

CDs and individual songs are available for purchase at
iTunes and HERE at the very cool CDBABY

One printed tome entitled NON-COLORING BOOK can be purchased HERE

My website that has some calendrical information and sundry stuff on it is HERE.

...oh and... also... but...

If you're in the mood to see me at my "day job", go HERE to see the schedule of the Philadelphia Funk Authority, and catch me playing drums. Funky.

One last thing...

A good friend of mine noted that I was probably the first person to ever mention both Stephen Hawking and Flavor Flav in a single article.

Now THAT was a cool gift.

Merry and Happy and all that...

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of Vox)

2008-10-04T12:49:00.005-05:00

Ms. Information says:

Thanks to popular demand, the Maestro's Dokaka-style cover of (Sweet Dreams Are Made of This) by The Eurythmics is now available for your listening pleasure as a separate mp3. You can listen to it here or go to the Geologic Podcast site for the direct download.

When the fabulous Paul Fischer had asked me to use it on the Balticon Podcast, I said, "Who am I to disagree?" We here at Geologic HQ thought you might like having this in your Geo-Arsenal, too.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of Vox)... Enjoy!

(Sweet Dreams Are Made of This) written by David A. Stewart and Annie Lennox.

Show 83 featuring Reginald's Rant

2008-09-18T11:02:00.004-05:00

The Geologic Podcast

Show 83

Reginald’s Rant
Intro
Morimoto with A and Ms. Information
notThe Bible
- The Book Of John…Yes John.
Funeral on WEN
Interesting Fauna
- Bats
ERRATA: Ernie Chambers is not a moron
Prof. Damian Handzy’s Facts That’ll Fuck Y’Up
GPS and Relativity
November Travels Include Georgia and Texas
Political comparisons
Show Close

Listen to Reginald go off on the Airline Industry (among other things) HERE

feel free to follow along...

Oh so I see. It’s the end of the show. That’s clever. Very clever. I mean maybe it’s supposed to symbolize George’s being tired and wanting to somehow keep the show interesting and fresh by coming up with new bits to keep the audience guessing. I dunno. Maybe it’s after dealing with so much traveling and walking through airports, well, first getting TO airports with the early morning 4:30 am pre flight check in walking past stacks of both pre pubescently excited Japanese soccer players in their matching neon kits with their matching duffel bags and matching random expressions glibly printed on their side with such amazing engrish sayings like “number one bag” and “most fun 100% super time” and their towisily and over precisely purposely imprecisely tousled matching hair cuts while standing right next to air traveling zombies who are anxiously cashing in their frequent whiner miles before the entire airline industry collapses into one enormous post 9-11 heap where the passengers can reminisce about how it used to be on these flights before every single seat was filled to capacity with countless mouth breathing sweat pant clad text messengers eagerly waiting for the captain to notify after landing that “all right folks you can use your electronic devices now” because its so bloody important that Tiffany’s BFF know that she’s landed and that she’s on the runway and that she’s still on the runway and that OMFG we’re still on the runway and what are you doing later and could you believe what Scott said and now since the plane has stopped I’m going to stand up with the rest of the air cattle and hunch over in front of my micro sized chair and wait like some scoliosis patient for the plane’s door to open and then wait some more while all of the other passengers stand together in front of their collective pseudo reclining seats like a chorus of quasimodos waiting to yank out their matching samsonite wheeled buckets of doom which they oh so conveniently refuse to load in wheels first so as to actually maximize the packing capacity of said flying cattle train while still waiting hunched over collectively staring at the few still-seated passengers as if they were either child molesters or too stupid to realize that umm duh the plane has landed why don’t you stand up and hunch over like everyone else and then retrieve said baggage containing their precious carry on items like more sweat pants for the hotel later, hopefully emblazoned with such clever phrases like “virgin slut” and “moist” printed across the ever expanding cheeks area as well as a few extra copies of whatever 835 page vampire based romantic drivel which just coincidentally is about to be made into this weeks 120 million dollar shitty CGI laden piece of Hollywood marketing research which as a complete surprise to insiders and experts will for some reason under perform to the studio’s expectations making most humans on planet earth wonder why said studios won’t just take the millions and millions of dollars and throw them into a bank for two years and make back eight percent which is twice what most studio’s average profit margin is until you think oh right the entire banking industry is about to collapse so maybe it IS a safer bet to throw 204 million dollars into a sci fi rom com dramedy based on the paintings of Thomas Kincaid starring the girl from the latest fake VH Yuch reality show Fuck My Mother and the lead homosexual from the Disney corporations brothers based teen ensemble currently occupying the number one position on both Billboard's Disposable 100 and The New Rochelle Times 35 faces to drool over in 2009 not that any of this is or isn’t on the mind of our intrepid weary traveler about to disembark and roll through the airport and purchase their 865 calorie Cinnebon and their 454 calorie Jamba liquid and then sit in the pre selected faux Eamesian armless chair assemblage and comment about how it’s so difficult to stay trim and what do YOU want for lunch and look at that couple over there holding hands that are actually conversing and actually interested in each other so I think I’ll stare while sipping and eating ‘cause heaven forbid 16 minutes go by with out an amurican traveler either eating something or hydrating themselves with today’s latest and trendiest and most colorful and market researched with accompanying hiply packaged version of ion infused trend juice while complaining that fuel costs four dollars a gallon while paying $3.75 for 16 ounces of sugared fruit waste that tastes pretty good but not as good as it was before they changed the packaging but I still buy it anyway because I try to eat healthy so that’s why I use the mechanized walkway to get to the next gate AND stand in the center of this porcine conveyance so that the poor shlub who’s first flight from Raleigh Durham was delayed because of some de-regulatory hocus pocus can’t pass me by with any semblance of ease or quickness thereby trying to use this Jetson-like device in some corroborative manner as a rapid people mover as opposed to a calorie retention belt which seems to be the most optimum use of 400 yards of plasticene, rubber, and glass not to mention those carts full of people that politely honk every 8 and a half feet while gingerly requesting that the folks using the WALK way stop WALKING on the WALK way so that this Rose Bowl Float for gastric bypass can drive by and get these texting, munching, sweat suited passengers to their appropriate gate so that they can then be the first ones to sit THERE and wait for the pilots and flight crew to finally walk past and board this delay cylinder themselves and emptily greet everyone with that pointlessly vacuous 700 mile stare accompanied by the incredibly self mocking and completely un-ironic “welcome aboard” which could just as easily be delivered like a mantra of “zis is meant to be a cleansing shower” where the helpless hopeless march one by one like so many child actors into the simulated meat grinding device at the forefront of Pink Floyd’s The Wall relegated to their aisle or their window or their center or their emergency and “are you willing to perform duties if an emergency were to arrise?” whereas the only duties these folks would be performing would be in their respective shorts which are again, of course made of the very finest sweat suit material which can wick away moisture as if these bastards would ever dream of actually performing activities that would induce perspiration of any kind apart from sweating out the pre flight informational video with a botoxed version of the very same stewardess instructing the monkeys in coach how to fasten and unfasten the strap of doom which has caressed countless crotches and countless laps over countless miles over countless flights leading to and from this particular carriers hub and we do so hope you enjoy your flight and feel free to peruse the various magazine lovingly stuffed into the marsupelian seat pouch in front of you and we do hope you can finish both the jumble and the crossword seeing as the last mouth breathing occupier of your particular seat has every right to not only vote but bear children yet had difficulty filling in a 3 letter word for BLANK de Triomphe. Because you know what?

Geo,Video Series: Swift Kick - live

2008-08-19T08:56:00.012-05:00

Geo and the Boys perform Swift Kick at the IceHouse 2006 concert in Bethlehem, PA. This spot includes some stage banter that precedes the tune, and mid-way through Swift Kick there's a mini-rant, one of those Captivating True Stories from the Adventures of PFA.

The Geologic Orchestra:
George Hrab, vocals and guitar
Tom Sweeney, guitar
Ross Brown, guitar
Eric Kenlin, drums
Vinnie Puccio, bass
and
The Authority Horns:
Andy Kowal, trumpet
Dave Painchaud, trumpet
Dale Gerheart, trombone
Steve Bridges, saxophone
Larry Ogden, baritone sax

Geo during the second half of the show.

Eric Kenlin

Ross, guitar and Vinnie, bass

Concert stills Diane Richter Photography
Concert footage provided by Donna Kenlin.

Purchase Swift Kick or the entire Vitriol album.

Ms. Information says: Swift Kick has always been a favorite tune of mine. Enjoy! And don't forget, Kids, if you download the video file at the podcast site, you'll find that these IceHouse performances have the lyrics for the tune are embedded in the video file.

2008-08-18T17:40:00.005-05:00

from Musikfest 2006 — Geologic concert

The Geologic Podcast Show 78

2008-08-17T21:27:00.004-05:00

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

I'm not here
Intro
Dueling Pianos
Got Funk?
Happy birthday, Diane Richter
Interesting Fauna

- Tiniest Snake and Horny Tuatara both from James Blackwell

Musikfest crowd surfing
Minoishe Interroberg's To Make With The Good English

- biannually from Ted Haulley
- when an whenever from H. Linsey Falls

Brian and Bryan call in
I got a book in the mail
Religious Morons of the Week

- Pleasant Glade Assembly of God Church from Icepick
and Paul Rothrock

- Pond Hill Baptist Church from Geo's sister Sandy

- Ernie Chambers from Jillian Byrne

I have to go pack
Show close

.....................................

Mentioned in the show: the phenomenon that is Dueling Pianos; Lucky 7; Philadelphia Funk Authority's identity and their main site; Diane Richter; and the super fantastic crowdsurfing sequence of photos at Musikfest.

Join Geo's Facebook fan page. Score more data from the Geologic Universe! Get George's music at CD Baby and iTunes, and Non-Coloring Book at Lulu, both as download and print editions.

Have a comment on the show, a Religious Moron tip, or a question for Ask George? Drop George a line and write to Geo's Mom, too!

Ms. Information says two things: 1] The crowdsurfing photos are more documentation than they are great images. I was nearly knocked out of the way! and 2] The Maestro is going to have lots to plow through in post-trip decompression. Thanks for all your comments and participation while he trots around the Galapagos.

Geo,Video Series: Shoe - live

2008-08-17T21:24:00.005-05:00

Geo and the Boys perform Shoe at the IceHouse 2006 concert
in Bethlehem, PA.

The Geologic Orchestra:
George Hrab, vocals and guitar
Tom Sweeney, guitar
Ross Brown, guitar
Eric Kenlin, drums
Vinnie Puccio, bass
and
The Authority Horns:
Andy Kowal, trumpet
Dave Painchaud, trumpet
Dale Gerheart, trombone
Steve Bridges, saxophone
Larry Ogden, baritone sax

From left: Dale, Larry and Steve wailing on a dual sax solo, Andy.

For more IceHouse concert photos

Concert stills Diane Richter Photography
Concert footage provided by Donna Kenlin.

Purchase Shoe or the entire Vitriol album.

Ms. Information says: Don't forget, Kids, these selected tunes in this IceHouse series have a special treat. The lyrics for the tune are embedded in the video file.

Geo,Video Series: brainsbodyboth - live

2008-08-12T00:20:00.005-05:00

Geo and the Boys perform brainsbodyboth and bring the funk to the IceHouse in Bethlehem, PA in 2006.

The Geologic Orchestra:
George Hrab, vocals and guitar
Tom Sweeney, guitar
Ross Brown, guitar
Eric Kenlin, drums
Vinnie Puccio, bass
and
The Authority Horns:
Andy Kowal, trumpet
Dave Painchaud, trumpet
Dale Gerheart, trombone
Steve Bridges, saxophone
Larry Ogden, baritone sax

For more IceHouse concert photos

Concert stills Diane Richter Photography
Concert footage provided by Donna Kenlin.

Purchase brainsbodyboth or the entire Coelacanth album.

Ms. Information says: Hey Kids, these selected tunes in this IceHouse series have a special treat. I've embedded the lyrics for the song in the video file.

Geo,Video Series: Think For Yourself - live

2008-08-10T22:42:00.005-05:00

In November of 2006, the ten-piece juggernaut known as George Hrab and the Geologic Orchestra played at the IceHouse in Bethlehem, PA.

The orchestra for the evening was comprised of:
George Hrab, vocals and guitar
Tom Sweeney, guitar
Ross Brown, guitar
Eric Kenlin, drums
Vinnie Puccio, bass
and
The Authority Horns:
Andy Kowal, trumpet
Dave Painchaud, trumpet
Dale Gerheart, trombone
Steve Bridges, saxophone
Larry Ogden, baritone sax

Geo and the Boys perform Think For Yourself in this clip.

For more IceHouse concert photos

Concert stills Diane Richter Photography
Concert footage provided by Donna Kenlin.

Purchase Think For Yourself or the entire Coelacanth album.

Note: the motorcycles Geo references are weekend warriors who park outside the studio in droves during Musikfest. When he says "while I'm away", he's referring to his trip to the Galapagos Islands with JREF.

The Geologic Podcast Show 77

2008-08-10T22:38:00.005-05:00

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

The coolest paragraph EVER
Intro
Musikfest Noise
Last Tuesday, a great day
Iroc 280 Z Dra-CAR, and cologne in general
Rupert McClanahan's Indestructible Bastards

- Phineas Gauge thanks to JHG Redekop

Michael Mark's Interview
Religious Morons of the Week

- Abusive father guy from Jared Congiardo
- Restaurant and patrons in Birnin Kebbi from Jerry Hedden & Julio from NY
- US Department of Health and Human Services also from Jared
- Katherine Gunther wiccan extraordinaire from Peter Sosna & Andy Beale

Padre Bingo is supposed to be Brother Love
Padre Bingo: Time Traveling Inappropriate Rock & Roll Scream Guy
Ask George

- Brain Download? from Ashley Higgins
- Most Wrong? from Clark Van Horne

Off to the Islands
Congrats to Phil Plait
show close

.....................................

Mentioned in the show: JT Shea and his amazing ukelele rendition of The Assumption; Beatnik Turtle; Larry Florman, aka Brother Love; Skeptics Guide to the Universe, Episode 157; Dr. Phil Plait, newly appointed president of JREF.

Score more data from the Geologic Universe! Get George's music at CD Baby and iTunes, and Non-Coloring Book at Lulu, both as download and print editions.

Have a comment on the show, a Religious Moron tip, or a question for Ask George? Drop George a line and write to Geo's Mom, too!

Ms. Information wishes the Maestro happy trails!

The Geologic Podcast Show #76

2008-07-31T20:26:00.002-05:00

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

An Interview with Michael Mark

Highschool friend of Geo, lifecoach, wellness coach,
and guy who inspired Minoishe Interroberg.

A different kind of show this week, with a long interview about faith, sprirituality, and what makes some people truly happy.

Check out Mike's On-Line Presence:

Ask Sustenance Q&A

Sustenance Website

Sustenance Blog

Geo,Video Series: Out of My Mind

2008-07-26T13:46:00.007-05:00

First in the Geo,Video series.
"Out of My Mind" from the album Interrobang
by George Hrab ©Geologic Records

Logo image John Sterling Ruth Studio
posted by Ms. Information

The Geologic Podcast #75

2008-07-24T12:01:00.004-05:00

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

This Week on "The Ken & She Show"

Intro

Steven Pinker's "The Stuff of Thought"

Firefox

Captivating True Stories from the Adventures of PFA:

dueling (fake) pianos
Swan Foods and 400 dancing lunch ladies

Rupert McClanahan's Indestructible Bastards:

Special Head Injury Edition (thanks to Chris Merle)

UKJohn's Hraberium

Cian's cool interview

Thanks for the Parsec Nomination

Religious Moron[s] of the Week:

Mark Biltz from Scott Mullins
Matt Lincoln from Julio in NY
Pastor Jim Vineyard from Chris Merle and James Blackwell

Anton Ego's Wisdom

Show Close

.....................................

Mentioned in the show: Steven Pinker; Alexander Scriabin; Musikfest; available Geologic shirts at Flickr; Philadelphia Funk Authority; the Parsec Awards; Cian MacMahon's interview with Geo on View from the Quad.

Score more data from the Geologic Universe! Get George's music at CD Baby and iTunes, and Non-Coloring Book at Lulu, both as download and print editions.

Have a comment on the show, a Religious Moron tip, or a question for Ask George? Drop George a line and write to Geo's Mom, too!

Ms. Information 1] thanks Cian for the super interview and 2] stands in solidarity with a very special gal.

Occasional Songs for the Periodic Table

2008-07-05T13:27:00.002-05:00

Here are the COMPLTE lyrics to

Geo's Occasional Songs for the Periodic Table.

You can listen to the complete list of elements HERE

Sing along now!

1. Hydrogen H
Some say hydrogen’s the most abundant thing. I say stupidity.

2. Helium He
Helium You make my voice sound just like Geddy lee.

3. Lithium Li
Lithium, the first alkali metal.

4. Beryllium Be
Beryllium-um-um-um-um, Beryllium-um-um-um-um
Your atomic weight is four. Beryllium-um-um-um-um.

5. Boron B
Can you be a real good friend , when you’re B.O.R.O.N?
Don’t be a moron, of course you can you’re boron.

6. Carbon C
Carbon you’re in every living thing,
Carbon you’re in every living thing,
And even most dead things.

7. Nitrogen N
Nitrogen, the most underrated gas
Nitrogen, people always seem to pass you by
it makes me cry, why oh why, Nitrogen

8. Oxygen O
Oxygen, the element they call O.

9. Fluorine F
Fluorine was a happy woman ‘till she realized how she got her name
Her atomic weight was nine she was a halogen gas
and that filled her with such shame
Mendelev told her, she shouldn’t care what other people might think
Fluorine thought about it looked on the bright side and said
at least my name ain’t zinc.

10. Neon Ne
Neon, most noble gas
Neon, helps to illuminate glass, in Vegas

11. Sodium Na
Is sodium bad for you? Na.
Is sodium made of horse poo? Na.
When asked for this element, here’s what you do
It might sound preposterous, but it is true
The sound you must make to prove that you knew: NA… sodium.

12. Magnesium Mg
Mag-mag-mag-magnesium (la la la)
Mag-mag-mag-magnesium (la la la)
You burn so well, even under water. (la la) That’s hot.

13. Aluminum Al
We call it aluminum, Brits call it aluminium
I’m not really sure why.

14. Silicon Si
Silicon, maker of fake boobs, and also computer chips
that allow us to download pictures of fake boobs. Circle of life.

15. Phosphorus P
If someone says they’ve got to P, don’t assume
they just might be talkin’ about Phosphorus
talkin’ about Phosphorus
To geeks like me, when you say P,
I think of group number three, a non metal I.D.
but most folks agree,
It’s more likely, when they mention pee,
they’re just referring to the bathroom.

16. Sulfur S
What is that smell? What the hell is that smell?
Did something expire in here? Did someone burn a tire in here?
No it’s just sulfer.

17. Chlorine Cl
My eyes are so red. My eyes are so red.

18. Argon Ar
They say all of our hopes argon, well they’re wrong
They say all of our morals argon, well they’re wrong
They say all of our dreams argon, they say all of our hopes argon
Are gone… well they’re wrong, yes they’re wrong.

19. Potassium K
Potassium, your symbol is K
Potassium, I don’t know why it’s that way
But no matter what you do, and no matter where ya go
you’re in every banana and avocado
Potassium, your symbol is K

20. Calcium Ca
Calcium, what were ya thinking?
Calcium, stops grandma from shrinking,
down to four foot one.

21. Scandium Sc
Scandium, scandium, you’re the first element
where I don’t really know what you are.
But you’re scandium.

22. Titanium Ti
Titanium, titanium
they’ll use you for a case, they’ll use you in a car
they’ll use you for a countertop in a trendy New York bar, titanium.
You’ll never steer us wrong, you’re really light and strong, titanium.
Titanium.

23. Vanadium V
Is it va-NAH-dium, or is it va-NEY-dium?
Is it Ca-NAH-dian, or is it Ca-NEY-dian?
I’m pretty sure, they way it’s said is Ca-NEY-dian.
But that doesn’t really help me.

24. Chromium Cr
See our kids hand in hand, see our smiles start to expand
see our dreams get hard to ignore, CR chromium, atomic weight 24.

25. Manganese Mn
If you hear somebody sneeze, don’t say god-bless just say manganese.

26. Iron Fe
Iron, some call you FE, but not me
Your Iron, it’s what you’ll always be. YEAH.

27. Cobalt Co
Baby, you know it ain’t my fault
Baby, you know it ain’t my fault
You can put the blame where you want, but I blame cobalt
Atomic weight 27, period four group nine
with a symbol just like Colorado that’s in standard mountain time
Baby, you know it ain’t my fault
You can dip the blame rods where you want, but I blame cobalt.

28. Nickel Ni
If I had a nickel, for each element there are
I’d have fifty nine bucks of spare change in the ashtray of my car
Oh nickel, the element for nights who say Ni.

29. Copper Cu
You’ll never take me alive, Copper.

30. Zinc Zn
What the hell does Fluorine know, I don’t care what she may think
I guarantee it’s cool to have the name zinc.

31. Gallium Ga
Gallium, Gallium, Gallium G.A.L.L.I.U.M.

32. Germanium Ge
Germanium, there’s baggage with that name.
Said humbly with a bit of shame
It could have been worse, you know I’m right
I could have been called: Adolphite. [egh]
Germanium, not bad for Oh and two.

33. Arsenic As
Hey arsenic, you got a nice As.

34. Selenium Se
Selenium, I can see your passion, I can see that fashion, is important to you
Selenium, don’t know what I can do

35. Bromine Br
Bromine- Brrrrr. Bromine- Brrrrr.
Bromine- Brrrrr. Bromine- Brrrrr.

36. Krypton Kr
If only there were a popular reference to Krypton
Then I could think of some clever words to say
But I can’t.
…Oh right, Superman.

37. Rubidium Rb
The original R&B, your g per mole is three,
tell me how can ya be so damn sexy?
Ruby, Ruby, Rubidium. Ruby, Ruby, Rubidium.

38. Strontium Sr
Strontium, your name I’ll always say
Strontium, your love grows every day until it poisons me and I die.

39. Yttrium Y
Y? Why is there yttrium? Y? Why is someone always in the kitchen?
Y? Why are politicians always bitchin'? Y? Why, why is there yttrium?
Y? Why, why is there yttrium? Y? Why?

40. Zirconium Zr
I’m glad there’s the element zirconium,
no one gets killed trying to make that ring
I bet you can’t even tell the difference
In many ways it’s better than the real thing, the real thing
That’s zirconium, like three hours salary
It’s zirconium, oh yeah.

41. Niobium Nb
Niobium, there’s something ‘bout that name,
that makes me want to sing again and again and again and again.

42. Molybdenum Mo
Molybdenum, you got an M and a B and a D
Molybdenum, I guess that’s what confused me
Molybdenum, my dad’s ears: I did offend ‘em
when I called you Molly Dendum
I got flaws I can’t defend ‘em
I’ll make mistakes I hope I’ll end them.
Molybdenum, you got an M and a B and a D
Molybdenum, I guess that’s what confused me
'cause I’m a douche bag.

43. Technetium Tc
Technetium. Technetium. Technetium. Technetium.

44. Ruthenium Ru
Ruthenium, you know you’re in my heart, and if we ever part
I hope you’ll always remain, rutheni- yummmy so yummy
rutheni-yum. Yum.

45. Rhodium Rh
I road ‘em up, I road ‘em down, I road the road from town to town
but there were times, when I had doubt,
so now I lift my head and proudly shout.
I am Rhodium, git up and go-dium, blow by blow-dium
low fat low sodium, funny car burnin’ nitro-dium,
Captain Crunch, Cheerio-dium, children at play slow-dium
Skeletor He-Man G.I.Joe-dium
I am Rhodium.

46. Palladium Pd
Maybe someday, I’ll play the palladium
and on that day, you’ll see me there
until that day, you will have to be satisfied,
with the look in my eyes as I hold your hand
Palladium, palladium. Palladium, palladium.

47. Silver Ag
Silver has never been quite as cool as gold
Silver has always been seen just as number two
silver is sick of this and it thinks A.U. go screw
number two will do just fine.
At least I’m not bronze.

48. Cadmium Cd
Give me some cadmium. Give me some cadmium.

49. Indium In
In-dee-um. In-dee-um. In-dee-um.

50. Tin Sn
Tell me what can you sell to me today,
tell what wares have you got my good man
“Trinkets Galore” is what your sign proclaims,
tell me what is your master plan?

My good friend oh where should I start?
every thing that I have is a real work of art
pinwheels, little cars, piggy banks, and a liberty bell
these are some of the tchatchke I’m eager to sell…

I am so glad I found you sitting here
all of the stuff that you have is so dear
I might get something my wife would just love
tell me my good friend what are these things made of?

That’s a great question that you have asked
the thing that I use is simple and fast
so easy to shape why it should be a sin
everything that I’ve got here is made: of TIN.

Tin? Yes. It’s made of tin. Really- everything? Yes it’s made of tin.
Every single thing? Yes. Wow. It’s made of tin. Hmm. Mmm. It’s made of tin.

51. Antimony Sb
What’s the deal with Antimony? The only element that sounds kinda phony
Well you can’t stop now, antimony, antimony
S. B. S. B. S…
You’re fifty one, group fifteen, period five, you’re a metalloid
group fifteen, fifty one period five, you’re a metalloid
S. B. S. B. S. B…

52. Tellurium Te
Tell everyone that you see…
Tell yourself, tell him, tell me
Tell it on the mountain, tell it on the street
Tellurium is Te. Tellurium is Te.
…is Te.

53. Iodine I
IMF, ITT, IBM, IBC,
IOU, IRS, eye to eye, ISS
ITV, I me mine, ICBM, Iodine
Iodine.

54. Xenon Xe
As seen on the TV, I’m xenon Xe.
Ok x.e.n.o.n., what’ she done again?
Living hard drivin’ fast, tryin' to do what it takes to be a noble gas
I’m just as cool as can be, with a mass of 131.293
As seen on the TV, I’m xenon Xe. That’s about it.

55. Cesium Cs
Cesium, Cesium, Cesium. Ooooh, Ahhh, Cesium.

56. Barium Ba
Oh baby, discovered in 1808 by Sir Humphrey Davies, you got medical applications, you’re from the Greek word barrus, and that means heavy baby.
Yeah… number 56, barium, you know what I’m talking about baby…
I’m barium, check out my aquarium,
my terrarium, my solarium, my whole house
is open to you and my heart is just filled up with love
(it’s filled up with love) it’s filled up with love, love, love.
ohhh your melting point is 725 degrees Celsius, that’s 1,337 degrees Fahrenheit and that hot baby, that’s so hot.

57. Lanthanum La
Lanthanum: Periodic Private eye
Lanthanum: evil doers say bye-bye
Lanthanum: oh he’ll make the charges stick
Lanthanum: elemental private dick
Lanthanum: In COLOR.

58. Cerium Ce
Etherium is not the same as ethereal
and Cerium is not the same as cereal
Trust me.

59. Praseodymium Pr
Press me. (press me) and Praseodymium. Heh!

60. Neodymium Nd
There’s a new dymium and they call it neodymium
There’s a new dymium and they call it neodymium
Well the sign’s Nd and it’s gonna be so much fun
Ne-o-dy-mium
Well the sign’s Nd and it’s gonna be so much fun

61. Promethium Pm
Pro-methium, me forget, me impressed
Pro-methium, me displeased, me distressed.

62. Samarium Sm
Samarium is not what you believe it to be
a lanthanide that’s waiting in a dark and dangerous room
don’t trust samarium, don’t trust samarium
no good samarium, don’t trust samarium
don’t trust

63. Europium Eu
Is that europium?
No I’m holding it for a friend.

64. Gadolinium Gd
Gadolinium was known from town to town
people would say hi, when ‘ere he was around
drinks and laughs and fun were always to be had
no one realized, that inside he was sad
he wanted to be better known like gold he wanted to be better known like lead
he wanted to be famous like potassium he couldn’t get it out his head
the elements with fame always seemed happy and full of pride
what Gadolinium didn’t realize is they were empty inside
Gadolinium, be what you are, be what you are
Gadolinium, be what you are, be what you are, yeah…

65. Terbium Tb
You never know what you’ll get with terbium
and that’s a real safe bet, with terbium.

66. Dysprosium Dy
There’s something wrong
There’s something wrong with this
there’s something wrong with Dysprosium
there’s something wrong with Dysprosium
and I’m not sure just what it is.

67. Holmium Ho
Hold me close hold me near hold me in your arms my dear
say the words I love to hear yeah Holmium, Holmium
Hold my hand, hold my heart, hold me till we have to part
say I’m yours right from the start yeah Holmium, Holmium.
Oooooh.

68. Erbium Er
Cha! Erbum. Cha! Erbium.

69. Thulium Tm
I’m through with thulium, I ain’t the fool-ium
sad but true-lium, you broke the first rule-ium,
and that was un cool-ium, my life started to unspool-ium,
I dropped out of school-ium, I treated people cruel-ium
all because of Thulium, you ain’t no jewel-ium
so now I’m through-lium, with that darn thulium,
I think I’ll stay with carbon.

70. Ytterbium Yb
Y.T.T.E.R.B.I.U.M. that spells ytterbium
why they need two Ts in place of one I’m not sure why
Y.T.T.E.R.B.I.U.M. could cause disturbium
if you ingest it I’m sure that you’ll probably die.
… I mean I’m guessing.

71. Lutetium Lu
I will play for you, Lutetium
for who knows what the future may bring
I will play for you, Lutetium
for who knows what the future
for who knows what the future
for who knows what the future may bring

72. Hafnium Hf
Don’t go over a hill for hole-nium
Don’t bite off a thread for third-nium
Don’t take an oath for athium
and don’t get in a huff for hafnium
there’s quite enough, it’s not that tough
don’t get in a huff for Hafnium

73. Tantalum Ta
Tantalum, no hay nadie como tu
tus ohos azules brillan como aguas eternas
deja me ver tu cara por un momento y morire
un hombre feliz
Tantalum, no hay nadie como tu

74. Tungsten W
lablablablablablablab Tungsten.

75. Rhenium Re
A memo re: Rhenium:
I’m sorry it’s just not working out, I’m afraid we’ll just have to let you go.
It’s nothing personal you know, it’s just you’re a transition metal and well…
You have till 4 pm to clear out your desk, good luck.
Signed, Mr.Wilson.

76. Osmium Os
Os- osmium, Os- osmium, mystical element
Os- osmium, Os- osmium, mysterious and relevant
Os- osmium, Os- osmium, Os- osmium, Os- osmium, Os.

77. Iridium Ir
Just like you can’t patrol petroleum
and you can never can a canopy
you can't get rid of iridium
no matter what you do to me
you can’t rid of iridium, you can’t rid of iridium,

78. Platinum Pt
Why would you want solid platinum teeth.
I know it’s ill but still, I don’t get the grill.
I don’t get the grill.
Yeah boy. Oh boy.

79. Gold Au
You’re working hard, you fight the fight
You got the key, to turn wrong to right
with every step, and every move
you're gonna win, you’ll never lose
you go for gold, go for that gold
you go for gold, go for that gold
go for the, go for the gold.

80. Mercury Hg
Mercury, indicator of temperature
Mercury, rolls in balls across the floor across the floor.
Mercury.

81. Thallium Tl
I thought thallium was thoroughly thematic
but thallium throughout thought things through
the thing that thinks the theme is that of thallium
the threshold that’s thought out is one that’s true
One that’s true. One that’s true.

82. Lead Pb
Some kids eat paint chips when they’re young
this can cause future songs to be sung
about elements and fish, and other stuff off the top of his head
most probably ‘cause those paint chips contained lead.

83. Bismuth Bi
M.Y.O.D.B. Mind your own damn bismuth.

84. Polonium Po
Named after Poland, in 1898, by Pierre and Marie Currie
it’s Polonium.

85. Astatine At
What do you use to ‘tine? I use my Astatine.
What do you use to ‘tine? I use my Astatine.
funky.

86. Radon Rn
Radon, used to treat cancer,
Radon, yet causes cancer, go figure.

87. Francium Fr
Marguerite Derey discovered Francium in 1939. Hoh hoh.

88. Radium Ra
Radium, used to treat cancer,
Radium, yet causes cancer, déjà vu..

89. Actinium Ac
Actinium from the Greek word “actinos”
and that means “ray”, so says Andre Debierne, who discovered it.

90. Thorium Th
Thorium, Thorium, obtained from monozite
and from thorite, you’re use with strong alloys and in ultraviolet light
Thorium, Thorium, Thorium, Thorium.

91. Protactinium Pa
Protactinium made from a fission of thorium, plutonium, uranium
don’t wanna bore ya but there’s no use for ya
so we’ll just go back to the beginium.
It’s protactinium… It’s protactinium…
P.R.O.T.A.C.T.I.N.I.U.M. 91!

92. Uranium U
Geo could easily do a Uranus joke
but then the listeners might complain to him
He is above that kind of cheap ass poke
besides what’s that got to do with uranium
Uranium, Martin Klaproth we love you, (and Uranus too.)

93. Neptunium Np
In the ocean, such a commotion such a sound
you should see it, when neptunium is around
radiation poison, killing everything nearby
watch the fishes, slowly all wither and die
see each crustacean die from radiation
watch all the eels kick up their heels
see all the shrimp turn black and limp
hear the whale cry as it start to die
what have they got a weird disease?
No! Neptunium can kill as it please
each little smelt plays the cards it’s dealt
every cod gets to see god
every bass picked gets it’s ass kicked
all the sea horses turn to sea corpses
fluke, flounder, trout, swim in vain
Neptunium’s the one to blame.

94. Plutonium Pu
Doc Brown had to steal it from the Libyans
Oppenheimer the designer used it for the war’s end
and the kid in the Manhattan Project lied to his mom
so he could steal John Lithgo’s ID and use it to make his bomb
it was supposed to be the thing that would make life so nice
nuclear cars, guitars, and bars, and yummy second rice
but the future lost its shine like poorly plated chromium
who’d of guessed this mess we’re blessed with from Plutonium
Plutonium, Plutonium.

95. Americium Am
There’s an element whose colors never run
there’s an element who’s proud to be number one
and this element can say it clear as glass
cause it’s relevant, that it knows, it just kicks ass
Americium just kicks ass, you can say it slow or you can say it fast
just ignore the shit from our past, Americium just kick ass
and don’t you forget it.

96. Curium Cm
I find it bizarre, that curium cures nothing
in fact mes amis it can be quite rough
don’t have to search far, to read of her suffering
and how poor Marie, died from this stuff.

97. Berkelium Bk
Berkelium is the 97, Berkelium is the one to be
Berkelium’s got the magic mojo, tell your friends tell everyone ya see
Discovered by G.T. Seaborg in ’49, he was in Berkeley California at the time
it’s melting and boiling points are unknown,
150 neutrons are its own, and its 97 electrons all do shine
Berkelium’s got the magic mojo, tell your friends tell everyone ya see.

98. Californium Cf
I dream of Californium
and one thing I can say
is I prefer New Yorkium

99. Einsteinium Es
Einsteinium, Einsteinium, where have you gone? Argonne, Los Alamos.
Einsteinium, Einsteinium, where have you gone? Argonne, Los Alamos.
In 1952, they discovered you.
Einsteinium, Einsteinium, where have you gone? Argonne, Los Alamos.
Einsteinium.

100. Fermium Fm
It was late 53, or early 54 when they bombarded 238U.
What they ended up producing was an alpha emitter
and the boys knew what they had to do
all the intense temperature and crazy pressure
made them do it again and again
so by summoning the ghost of some dead Italian
they called the concoction FM. FM. FM.

101. Mendelevium Md
Is there a doctor in the house?
No, but I know an Md.
What is the Russian word for mouse?
I don’t know but I’ll ask Dimitri.
Did Glen T. Seaborg have a spouse?
I don’t know but he taught at Berkeley
and I know that Mendelevium used to have the symbol Mv.

102. Nobelium No
No no no. No no no. No no no.

103. Lawrencium Lr
They called him Larry and his half life was less than four hours
which meant that Larry could only exist for a day
that was OK, for Larry some called him Lawrence
I called him Larry, ‘cause that was the kind of guy he was
I called him Larry

104. Rutherfordium Rf
There aren’t many things I know for sure
My brain is way too small to remember anything
but if there’s one thing that I know it’s that I love you
and that the most conclusive aqueous chemistry studies
of Rutherfordium have been performed by the
Japanese team at JAERI using the radio isotope 261 mRf
This I know for sure.

105. Dubnium Db
Dub, Dub, Dubnium. Dub, Dub, Dubnium.
The longest lived transactinide- Dub, Dub, Dubnium.
It confidently can reside- Dub, Dub, Dubnium.
In the place that we all call group five- Dub, Dub, Dubnium.
on the periodic table. Dub, Dub, Dubnium.

106. Seaborgium Sg
Seaborgium was used in unsuccessful tries
by those alleged bunch of cold fusion guys
so dreams of cheap power became renewed
but these guys forgot to get peer reviewed
Seaborgium was not at fault
turns out it’s just as effective for cold fusion as table salt
Seaborgium.

107. Bohrium Bh
Did you know Niels Bohr was fun at parties
and not at all a boring guy
He would often shout “ahoy me hearties”
while wearing a patch on his eye
some say he tried ‘cause his name implied
that he was such a bore (bohr?)
I would like to think his natural inclination
despite his nomenclation was just to have a good time.

108. Hassium Hs
What’s over there some drowning polar bears
Do you see ‘em? Yes Hassium.
What’s over here a group of mutant deer
Do you see ‘em? Yes Hassium. Yes I see ‘em.
I see everything around me, I see sights that do astound me
I get charged so don’t you ground me, ‘cause Hassium
Don’t be alarmed but you astound me and Hassium
I’m keeping everything I found because Hassium.

109. Meitnerium Mt
You know what it’s like to be Mt
when some heavy ions just won’t do
Meitnerium is sometimes empty
First synthesized in 1982
Its such a young element it’s such a good element
and it knows it’s share of tricks
like if you bombard bismuth with iron 58
you get Meitnerium 266
and that ain’t empty, and yet it’s Mt

110. Darmstadtium Ds
I can’t come up with anything for this dumb element
there’s no puns no jokes no lines left in my pen
I’ve got one left so I’ll just give you all the basics
It’s Darmstadium and it’s number 110
I can’t come up (he can’t come up) with anything (with anything)
I might give up, aw you guys just sing…
He can’t come up with anything for this dumb element
no clever lyrics are left in his brain
after composing over one hundred of these dumb songs
the melodies all start to sound the same
I can’t come up (he can’t come up) with anything that’s fun
Don’t give up, I won’t give up, You’re almost done! Aw shit…
I just came up with something for this stupid element
It’s a bit of a cheat but I don’t really care
Just a few left and I’ll be finished with these elements
good thing I’m bald or I’d have lost my hair
Darmstadium, you don’t have to guess
It’s number 110, and it’s sign is Ds.

111. Roentgenium Rg
Willem Conrad Roentgen invented the X-Ray
Well not really invented, but discovered it’s applications
for seeing through skin and looking at bones
while shielding your balls with lead
so they named 111 after him, because he is dead.

112. Ununbium Uub
113. Ununtrium Uut
114. Ununquadium Uuq
115. Ununpentium Uup
116. Ununhexium Uuh
117. Ununseptium Uus
118. Ununoctium Uuo

Five poor metals and a noble gas, Five poor metals and a noble gas
Ununbium you make me hum, gonna get it done it’s fun it’s begun
Ununtrium, ya free ‘em, you can’t be ‘em, but you can see ‘em,
parked in the stadium, like Ununquadium,
did ya get the Ununpentium ‘cause I sent ya some,
you look vexed and perplexed like Ununhexium,
I texed ya bum, I checks the sun, it’s settin’ are you forgettin’,
Ununseptium is undiscovered, unacceptable is how you hover,
‘round the elements, here you are Ununoctium, how I rocked ya son,
how I blocked the bum and glocked ‘em in the ass,
with five poor metals and a noble gas.
Five poor metals and a noble gas, Five poor metals and a noble gas

Community Spotlight

2008-02-22T19:20:00.003-05:00

Didja ever have that dream where it's 2004, you're sitting in a room decorated in a way that looks like at any second the "pizza guy" is gonna walk in and cornhole two "cheerleaders", you're being interviewed by a really big guy, like verging on uncomfortably big, AND you have your guitar with you and you play a few tunes?

ME TOO!

The Assumption

2008-02-09T12:57:00.000-05:00

Here's a little video experiment, to go with the song, The Assumption.

Check it out...

THE ASSUMPTION

I know you know you think I think I am the best
But let me get a few things off of my chest
Because I stand alone with what you call a frown
Does not mean I’m stuck up, if anything I’m stuck down

I know you know you think I think I am the shit
But the truth could not be much further from it
I’d rather have you wonder what I’m all about
Than open up my mouth, and remove any doubt

Don’t you assume you really know me
Don’t you assume I’m sad and lonely
Don’t wonder what I’m not revealing
Looks can be concealing after all

I know you know you think I think I’m where it’s at
But don’t forget I see myself as bald and fat
I promise you there is some more than what you see
But your assumptions tend to make an ass of just me

Don’t you assume you really know me
Don’t you assume I’m sad and lonely
Don’t look for answers on the ceiling
Looks can be concealing after all

All of the people who would rather
be by themselves aren’t inherently unhappy
so don’t pile up your assumptions you be the life of the party
and I’ll be the party of my life. I’ll be the party of my life.
You can be the life but I will party hearty
through the party of my life.

I know you know you think I think my stank don’t stink
I’m sorry Mr. Gladwell I’m more blank than blink
If first “of courses” tend to become just desserts
I hope you’ll stick around for seconds and maybe thirds

Don’t you assume you really know me
Don’t you assume I’m sad and lonely
You might find my thick skin appealing (a peelin’?)
Looks can be concealing after all

from the album Interrobang
available for purchase at iTunes and CD Baby.

Geo In Your Home

2008-01-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

I just recently joined an organization called Concerts in Your Home, which is completely unrelated to the world famous Carrots in your Pants... or the semi-illegal Soap Scum in Your Tuba.

Anyway...

What's this all about?

Well...

Let's say you want to have me come to your house and perform.

No. Really.

In the past- THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN ABSLOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE...

but now.. no so much.

How does it work?

Simple- You can go HERE and check out the site, and you can go HERE and see what my page looks like- AND... if you live within a DAYS DRIVE from me, and know a few friends or relatives or person-sized drawer dwellers like from that super creepy episode of the X-Files, who would want to get together and listen to me sing some of my silly repertoire... IT CAN HAPPEN.

In other words-

I can come to your house and put on a show.

There.

I said it.

Check it out and let's make it happen.

Woo!

-Geo

Episode 46, Ho Ho Ho

2007-12-26T12:57:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas Everyone.

Episode 46 of the Geologic Podcast is a special one off 30 minute Christmas Episode that is silly and originally recorded for members of my family.

ENJOY.

Regular show next week, albeit maybe a day late.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Bolling Night

2007-11-29T12:09:00.001-05:00

Got a cool ass gig coming up on Friday. For those of you in the Lehigh Valley area, you should come check it out. Here am the deal:

I'm playing a number of Claude Bolling suites with the super cool chamber group Satori.

Who's Claude Bolling?

Well, he was a composer (who kinda looked like Bob Newhart by the way... go figure) who wrote a whole smelch's worth of pieces for musician friends of his who wanted to sound like they knew how to play jazz. Kinda cool.

Essentially, world renowned classical flautist Jean Pierre Rampal approached C.B. and said-

"could you write for me zis piece zat will make me sound like I play ze jazz?"

and C.B. said

"Oui"

and wrote Suite for Flute and Jazz Trio. It's not REALLY jazz, seeing as it's entirely through composed, but it is jazz-y (as opposed to Jay-Z) and a lot of fun to play. He then went on to write a Guitar Suite in a similar style, and also a Violin Suite. We're doing selections from all of these pieces, in a VERY intimate setting, over at my favorite local haunt- Godfrey Daniels.

Here's the info and the links and the thing and the other thing.

Fun.

For the 3rd consecutive year...it's
BOLLING NIGHT at GODFREY DANIELS!

SATORI – An Evening of Claude Bolling

SATORI is starting a second decade of classical and contemporary chamber music performances in the Lehigh Valley! Celebrate with an evening of Claude Bolling's music -- is it classical, or is it jazz? Join us for an evening of music that crosses barriers. Hear selections from Bolling's Suite for Flute and Jazz Piano Trio, the popular Picnic Suite, and his Suite for Jazz Violin.

Performers include John Arnold, guitar; Rebecca Brown, violin; George Hrab, percussion; Barbara Liebhaber, piano; Paul Rostock; bass, and Nora Suggs, flute.

Friday, November 30th
8:00 PM
Godfrey Daniels
7 East Fourth Street,
Bethlehem, PA 18015-1601
(610) 867-2390

Everything Alive Will Die Someday

2007-11-28T13:33:00.000-05:00

FUCK. I can't stand listening. Pot induced giggles pissing me off. REALLY off. WAY off. I am a square of gigantic proportions. I am so square that I am beyond quadratic. [Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?] ARGUE then GIGGLE then ARGUE then GIGGLE. Great no? FUCK. I can't stand listening. I can't stop listening. I am humbled, and relegated to a mumble.

Ah well...

ANYWAY.

Just remember- everything alive will die someday
and that’s OK. It’s the great equating factor in the world
like some desiccated tractor,
we all run out of gas, this life can’t last
‘cause everything alive will die someday

I used to worry that my folks would someday die
‘cause that meant if they could than that meant so could I
too young to handle this morose philosophy
I’d deal with all of this by climbing up a tree

and looking at the huge-small world I could survey
I wondered what it’s feel like on that final day
and calculated the heartbeats left in my lot
then realized the best idea was t’enjoy the time I’ve got

and I’d remember- that everything alive will die someday
and that’s OK. From the single cellular to grandiose
seems we’re all destined to be toast
ev’ry leaf, bush, plant, and tree, will cease to be
‘cause everything alive will die someday

every empire crumbles
every mammoth tumbles to the ground
ally and enemy
both kick the bucket equally

and in this truth there lies a fact
if you ignore those who distract
you have a chance to realize
the fairness of unfairness is in everything’s demise

You should remember, everything alive will die someday
and that’s hard to say, though to me it’s more a blessing than a curse
(is this a chorus or a weird verse?)
every hand that’s ever writ- will up and quit,
‘cause everything alive will die someday

BUT IN THE MEANTIME:
I get to see you smile, and that makes it all worthwhile.
To look into your eyes is worth
the eventual demise of earth
and of ev’ry living cell, what the hell…
let’s Deborah and Clive ourselves today

So let’s remember, everything alive will die someday
but let me say, you shouldn’t do just whatever you will
don’t ever cause anyone ill-
an historic reversal. Don’t you know?
This IS the only chance you’ve got,
it aught to mean an awful lot,
this is the show and not some rehearsal

talk of an extra inning
implies this is just a beginning
but there’s no prize you will be winning
your existence is enough of a reward to keep you grinning

or at least should be…

Some Bests

2007-09-14T10:48:00.000-05:00

A few things...

So at Dragon*Con, folks walk around dressed as Klingons and Space Marines and Rainbow Brites and Batmen and Hellboys and Zans and Janas and Drs.Octopi and every obscure character you can possibly imagine form every TV show / Movie / Comic Book / Radio Drama / Telegraph Serial...

People would collectively gather in centralized areas like the atriums of the convention's hotels and pose for photographs. This happened ALL WEEKEND LONG.

Here then, was my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE costume of the entire con. This guy (from Koolsmoke, Texas) really spared no expense, and was kind enough to pose with me. Check out how incredible his detailing is:

photo courtesy of Soccergirl Incorporated
sigh...

Pretty amazing no?

Anyway...

If you've been waiting to jump on board and start listening to my podcast... (and why have you waited so long? SHANDER!) you can now conveniently dive in by downloading and listening to

THE VERY BEST OF THE GEOLOGIC PODCAST (so far)...

which is clickable HERE or on the side panel of this blog. If you're a fan of the cast and want to proselytize... this is a good place to send newbies.

OR it's a great place to send folks you DON'T LIKE who happen to think that Jesus is all that.

Either way is cool with me.

Here are some of the bits featured on

THE VERY BEST OF THE GEOLOGIC PODCAST (so far)...

The Geologic Podcast Mission Statement - from show 20

In the Wee Wee Hours - from show 11

NYETFLIX - from show 15

Antiques Roadshow - from show 12

"I Want To be Free" with the Ohio Players - from show 4

Grandma Hums the Classics while Rolling Dough - from show 16

Mortimer Calls In - from show 19

Lou Rawls Auto Security System - from show 8

Beatles Block - from show 10

George's Future Calling Plugin Part 1 and Part 2 - from shows 8 and 10

Bob Dylan Records his XM Promo - from show 12

A Day in the Life of Sylvia Brown's Assistant - from show 22

Religious Moron of the Week - from show 15

Negative Ad - from show 27

Rory Calhoun introduces: We Hate George Hrab - from show 18

Enjoy.

Hey... you're not a GEOLOGIST!

2007-09-04T15:23:00.001-05:00

Notes from a non Geologist talking about Non Geology in a Geology context.

So I did this Geology / Science Track talk thingy at DRAGON*CON, and afterwards, a few folks asked if I could post some of my notes from the lecture.

Well shit yeah.

Here then, are some highlights from my notes from the talk about how we know the EARTH is older than six thousand years, as well as some facts I didn’t even get to.

When I have the audio from this event, I’ll let you know-

To those of you who were there and listened:

YOU ROCK.

Ha.

Get it?

Geology?

Rock?

[crickets…]

Yes.

[Just as a reminder, I didn’t even really talk about radiometric dating, because I wanted to use OTHER examples apart from carbon dating et al. Radiometrics however is STILL the best methodology for determining the age of things. I just like these other less famous ways too! Ok- Continue.]

Besides Radiometric Dating- how do we know the earth is OLDER than SIX THOUSAND YEARS

Here’s how-

1. Light-
With the universe, and even our particular galaxy being as mind numbingly HUGE as it is, it takes a LONG time for light to travel across these great distances. Since there are portions of our galaxy that are VISIBLE to us, but are 50,000 light years away, we know that the light from those stars has been traveling that long. We also can tell from the use of spectrographic reading how that light gets effected by other gravitational forces during its journey. So either the light has been traveling, OR god has CREATED the universe and its light in situ. If THAT’s true, it could also be JUST AS TRUE that god created the universe FIVE MINUTES AGO.

Feh.

There is no way that 6, 000 years is enough time light to travel to us from distant visible stars.

2. Plate Tectonics-
The huge swaths of continental land that cover the earth are actually slowly moving plates. These plates have been traveling across the face of the earth for millions of years, and move at a measurable rate. The Himalayas have been formed by two such plates colliding into each other, and forcing the meeting front edges into a peak. This peak has been forming at about 3 inches per year for the last 100,000 years. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for Mount Everest to form.

3. Coral Reefs-
Coral grows at a lugubriously slow pace. It takes a hundred years to produce a few inches of growth. There are reefs on the planet that are over 4,000 feet thick. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for some large coral reefs to form.

4. Loess Deposits-
Wind blown silt deposits are known as Loess deposits, and there are areas in China that give an accurate yearly wind blown silt record of 300 meters of silt. These records go back MILLIONS of years, and are as consistent as can be. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for China’s Loess deposits to form.

5. Dendrochronology
The study of tree rings is an amazingly accurate science, and by using matching yearly ring sections, dendrochronologists can follow certain tree chronologies back continuously for thousands of years. The Bristlecone Pine trees of Northern California have been traced back to 7,000 BC. That’s over NINE THOUSAND years. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for the Bristlecone Pine Chronology to form.

6. Varves-
There are algal growth cycles in large lakes known as varves. These algae growths bloom in warmer weather, die in colder months, then sink to the bottom of the lake. Scientists can take sample plugs out of the bottom of the lake and count the layers to determine the age of these bodies of water. There are lakes in Japan (particularly Lake Suigetsu) that have over 45, 000 layers. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for these varve layers to grow, collect and form.

7. Moon Dust-
Space dust accumulates on the moon at an estimated annual rate of two nanograms per square centimeter. (A nanogram is one thousandth of a millionth of a gram). By this estimate there should be about and inch and a half of space dust on the moon (if it were indeed 4.5 billion years old) and guess what? That’s EXACTLY what the Apollo moon missions found. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for the inch and a half of moon dust to gather on the surface of the moon.

8. Helioseismology
As a star burns off its hydrogen as fuel, it accumulates more and more helium. Sound travels differently through helium than it does through hydrogen, so as sun-quakes occur, that difference in sound inhibition can be measured, obsered and calculated, and a star’s age can be determined. Using this method, our sun is said to be about 4.6 billion years old. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for our sun to have the percentage of helium to hydrogen that it does.

9. Mega Meteor Impacts
There is evidence around the planet for a number of gigantic, “global impact” type meteor collisions. One impact crater in Canada is 60 miles wide, as well as the famous impact site in the Yucatan that is believed to be the site where the Jurassic killing meteor landed. These impacts are HUGE worldwide effecting events that SHOULD be recorded in human history if indeed humans have been around since the beginning. You’d think that SOME civilization would mention the fact that the planet was covered in ASH at some point. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for these mega meteors to hit the earth and get NO MENTION by ANY civilization.

10. Super Volcanoes
74,000 years ago, the Toba Caldera volcano in Sumatra threw into the air more than 3,000 times the ash that left Mt. Saint Helens. There is no mention of a volcano like this by any past culture. Much like the meteor impacts, you’d think that this would have made the record SOMEWHERE. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for super volcanoes like this to erupt and go unnoticed.

Here some more I DIDN’T get to mention during the lecture.

11. Ice Ages
There have been 20 instances of ice sheets expanding and spreading to cover huge portions of the Earth. Every time this happens, there is physical evidence that remains and indicates each unique ice spreading event. These ice sheets move at a VERY slow pace, because it takes a foot of snowfall to produce an INCH of glacial ice. These walls of glacial ice would be ripping up and down the earth like Tidal Waves for them to fit into the young earth model. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for 20 ice ages to occur and spread.

12. Hawaii-
The Hawaiian islands are made up of the tips of slowly building volcanic strata. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for the Hawaiian island to form and look the way they look.

13. Coal-
It takes millions of years for enormous amounts of vegetation and organic material to turn into coal. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for the AMOUNT of coal we have to form.

14. Salt Deposits
In Utah, there is an enormous underground deposit of salt that has been left there from the slow evaporation of an ancient sea. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for a steady stream of water to evaporate that much salt.

15. Grand Canyon
The Grand Canyon has been formed not by a flood, but by a slow steady carving of the various geologic layers by a combination of the Colorado river (or its ancient progenitor) and the uplifting of a plateaus by mountain building events. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for the Grand Canyon to form and look the way it looks.

16. Ice Cores
There is a consistent, measurable annual record contained within the ice of the Antarctic. Removing and measuring ice cores can show all kinds of annual info. Many of these ice cores samples date back hundreds of thousands of years. There is no way that 6,000 years is enough time for these cores to look the way they do.

NOW- These are some of the things that I found on my own, just by hunting around the internet. I’M SURE there are MANY more examples, but these sixteen or so are a good start to use whenever debating with someone. Remember that when they said that god just made it APPEAR that way… you say that that means god JUST made us appear (with memories intact) too... and that he’s a coniving, deceptive prick.

Amen.

York? Yes... YORK.

2007-07-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

The Funk Authority had a VERY nice gig on Sunday. (Actually, we had a series of nice gigs this past weekend... albeit somewhat spread out... I drove EXACTLY 726 miles from Friday to Sunday. Neet.) The Sunday gig was in York, Pennsylvania. York, Pennsylvannia is about 60 miles west of the last interesting thing in Pennsylvania. (You know those dumbells that say YORK on them? Those are made in... York, Pennsylvania. No shit. Apart from the forging of iron for old-school workout purposes, I'm not sure what ELSE is normally going down in York, Pennsylvania. Anyhoo...) We didn't know quite what to expect, and were somewhat taken aback by a statement included in the rider with the contract for our gig. After all of the regular hoo-ha about start times, gear, and load-in procedures was the BOLD and UNDERLINED sentence:

Smoking and the consumption of alcohol is strictly prohibited.

Now, we've had "no booze" clauses in contracts before, but this was the first time we EVER had a NO SMOKING clause. I don't smoke, but about a third of the band does, so this was seen as not only curious, but possibly an indication that this would be a real horse buggy driving, one day barn building, black hat and suit wearing, no electricity using kind of crowd.

You know- FUNK FANS.

Well... the crowd turned out to be quite lovely, the venue was terrific (a super nice amphitheater) and the gig was a BLAST. Yay.

Springettsbury Park Amphitheatre, in lovely York, PA

Dale, Alissa B., and His Royal Baldness in Purple.
The super cool Jack W. sitting in on drums.

Here I am trying to convince the crowd that their entire faith/belief system is horseshit.
Or I was singing "Let's Dance." I don't really remember.

Back on stage... or backs on stage.

Just under the tree on the far right you can see me running like an idiot,
tripping over someone's cooler/defibrilator.

More running. I was taught early in life: If you can't sing well... SPRINT.
It makes the performance SO MUCH more interesting.

Not knowing what to expect BEFORE the day, I figured I'd set the mood by including a little rider of my own on our set list. Ya know- just to put the guys in the right frame of mind.

Here's what was listed after the tunes-

Start at 7:00 - end 8:30
remember:
Smoking and the consumption of alcohol is strictly prohibited.

ALSO- no running, laughing, eating, sitting, standing, dancing, groovin’, mumblin’, shuckin’, jivin’, kissin’, tellin’, cussin’, recreating scenes from Mark Twain novels, barbecuein’, using cell phones, using rotary phones, using morse code, using aldis lamps, parking, debating, rebating, hook baiting, frisbee tossing, salad tossing, flossing, bossing, rolling stones, mossing, moshing, joshing, kiboshing, cooking, fishing, surfing, quantity surveying, composting, desalinating, re-salinating, golfing, javelin throwing, rockin’and/or rollin’, tearing the sucka down, turnin’ the mutha out, rippin’ the seam to shreds, slammin’ down on the one, getting busy, looking busy, prosecuting, defending, asking for an injunction, asking for an appeal, asking for a continuance, use of lawn darts, use of motorized robot dogs, use of simulated bat wings, use of Davincian flying apparatus, re-enacting scenes from the following: World War I, World War II , War of the Worlds (novel) War of the Worlds (movie) Revolutionary War, War on Drugs, War on Terror (fiction), The Cholera Typhis Confabulatory Outbreak of 1890, Act II of Coriolanus, Act III of Die Walküre, any act from “Sister Act II: Back in the Habit,” use of or playing with: tennis balls, volley balls, footballs, raquet balls, soccer balls, Dale’s balls, Larry’s liver, Dave’s coccyx, Andy’s pancreas, the other Andy’s uvula, Alisa’s duodenum, Vinnie’s lymphatic system, Ross’s brown, Jack’s wine or stein, and George’s colon.

PLUS the town of YORK, PA™ strictly enforces a complete moratorium on any activities associated with Gary’s mustache.

…But please have fun and enjoy the park.

Welcome!

Again- the night was great, and we had a blast playing for this crowd.

Phew.

Acousto-Logic

2007-07-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

IF YOU MISS my rants about all things Geologic here on this blog, be sure to go to geologicpodcast.com and get a weekly fix of Geologic Spew. I’ve been focusing recently on my PODCAST, and the 3% of my brain that is reserved for creativity (the other 97% is used to fight off food cravings) has a tough enough time doing 50 minutes of PODCAST content a week. Sorry the blog has trailed off, BUT I DO think the 'cast is worth checking out… There seems to be a consensus that there’s some funny poo over there. Dig.

ANYWAY-

Some cool stuff coming up…

THIS WEDENSDAY I’m doing a 15 minute slot at an acoustic showcase at the lovely club Katmandu. This is a nice place in Trenton, NJ that used to feature the Funk Authority. Lance, the über cool sound engineer got in touch with me and asked if I wanted to do a showcase. No sweat I figured… sounds like fun.

Here am the details:

Wednesday July 18th 9:00 (ish)
Katmandu
Rte. 29 50 Riverview Executive Park
Mercer County Waterfront Park
Trenton, NJ
609/393-7300
www.katmandutrenton.com

I believe there are something like eight other performers that night, all doing original music. Should be a nice chance to hear some local talent.

Speaking of local talent- Here then are some of the cooler concert and beach gigs coming up with the Funk Authority.

Friday, July 20th
The Windrift Resort Hotel
80th and the Beach in Avalon, NJ
609-368-5175 10:00 PM
www.windrifthotel.com

Saturday, July 21st
Trump Beach Bar
Atlantic City, NJ
7:30 PM
www.trumpplaza.com/beachbar

Sunday July 22nd
Summer Concert Series
York, PA
details are a bit fuzzy but keep checking phillyfunk.com

Saturday, July 28th
Trump Beach Bar
Atlantic City, NJ
7:30 PM
www.trumpplaza.com/beachbar

Sunday July 29th
Bally's Bikini Beach Bar
Atlantic City, NJ
4:00-8:00 PM
www.harrahs.com

AND THE BIG ONE:

MUSIKFEST
Friday August 3rd
Volksplatz Stage
8:30 – 11:00
www.musikfest.org

IF you only get one chance to see PFA in action, be sure to come to Musikfest. I'll even be having a shindig afterwards, seeing as how I live TWO BLOCKS AWAY from the stage we're on. Make plans NOW dammit...

Arf.

You Ol' Lug...

2007-07-01T12:03:00.001-05:00

Hi. Miss ya. Anyway…

Few quick things. I realized the other day that I’ve been doing this drum thing for quite a while. How did I realize this? Check this out:

standard drum key

This is a standard drum key. It’s what you use to tighten and loosen the lugs on the side of a drum, so that you can tune the head, or remove it completely. It’s a steel key with a square notch on the bottom. That's a side view, and here's a head on view of the notch of a new key.

Notch side. Notice the well defined center square. Kinda like Paul Linde.

This then- is the key that came with my the very first drumset that I bought in 1987.

Geo's 1st drum key bought at Manny's Music Store in NYC, 1987. No shit.

I still have that drum kit too, seeing as I only bought my second kit three years ago. (I’m really NOT a gear head.) Anyway… THIS key has been strapped to my keychain since I started carrying car / house keys. I was playing a gig last Sunday, and while trying to adjust a loosened lug (during a song of course... what’s the sense of tightening things BEFORE you start playing… duh) I noticed that the lug just wasn’t catching the key. Weird… I looked at the key and saw why.

Geo's old worn out key. Notice the lack of a well defined center square.
This also happens to be the exact size of Geo's eurethra. Go figure.

For some perspective, here’s the OLD key next to a NEW key.

Piece of shit key… only lasted 20 years. I kinda felt like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank...

I do have to say though- looking at the worn out key, I felt kinda proud. Here was physical proof that I'm doing what I want to be doing... and wearing out pieces of steel in the process. Nice.

Anyway.

S’more stuff.

I’m doing a reading for the Public Words project in Philadelphia this TUESDAY, July 3rd. It’s at 8:00 pm at BINDLESTIFF BOOKS.

Bindlestiff Books
4530 Baltimore Ave.
Philadelphia PA.
215-222-2432
www.bindlestiffbooks.com

There’s a bio and brief write up here: www.publicwords.org

Come check it out if you’re anywhere close to Philly. Should be fun. I might even play a tune or two as well.

The next day The Philadelphia Funk Authority is playing at Duke Island Park in Bridgewater NJ for a big 4th of July Concert. Be ready for lots of loud explosions, fire-engulfed concussions, and flaming pieces of detritus.

There should also be fireworks.

Directions here

Come on out!

PLUS: Go HERE to see lots and lots of footage of me performing at BALTICON. It's been posted on Lulu.tv by the fabulous Paul Fisher. You might need to register to check it out, but it's free and worth it. There's over an hour's worth of material here. Be sure when you register that you click "mature content" or whatever the hell they call it- seeing as I use the word "POO" once. Yup.

N. Joy.

Summer Schedule Highlights

2007-06-15T13:17:00.000-05:00

Hey Kids, summer’s here and I’m too freakin’ busy to blog with any regularity. Sorry. Listen to the podcast for your weekly dose of Geologic Goodness. Do that here.

IN THE MEAN TIME-

There’s a slew of great FREE, OUTDOOR CONCERTS coming up featuring the good ol’ Funk Authority. Go HERE for the full schedule, but these are all PARTICULARLY cool.

Catch me at these shows with with the Philadelphia Funk Authority:

SUNDAY, June 17th
Nazareth Park Concert, Nazareth PA
6:30 PM

Wednesday, June 20th
OPENING NIGHT Sandy Hook Beach Concert Series
Beach Area E, Sandy Hook NJ 6:00 – 8:30
info

Wednesday, July 4th
Fireworks Concert Bridgewater NJ

Sunday, July 15th
PARK CONCERT Souderton Community Park,
Souderton PA 7:00 PM
info

Friday August 3rd
MUSIKFEST
Banana Island Opening Night Dance Party
8:30 – 11:00
info

A N D

I’ve been fortunate enough to be asked to perform at DRAGON*CON, the second largest Sci-Fi convention in this quadrant. What’s doubly cool is that along with a solo acoustic performance, I’ll be doing the 1st ever LIVE Geologic Podcast Taping for the incredible 30th anniversary episode. Wow.

Aug.31 – Sept 3rd
Dragon*Con
Atlanta, Georgia
Acoustic Concert
& first ever
LIVE TAPING of THE GEOLOGIC PODCAST
Friday August31st
info

Nutty Idea

2007-05-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

So I had this idea about teaching empathy.

I REALLY think that the world would be a better place if people thought about A: How their actions affect others, and B: How they would feel in a particular situation, in someone else’s place.

I find that I tend to give people yards if not MILES of slack if I can try and empathize about their potential circumstance.

‘Frinstance: Some guy cuts you off and is driving like a MANIC… he’s PROBABLY a real dick who just can’t budget his time right- but maybe- JUST MAYBE he’s really late for something that’s REALLY important, and he’s in a tough spot. We’ve ALL been there…late for a job interview, late for a wedding, late for a funeral, late for a hospital visit, or late for a third time re-scheduled prostate massage... you know… what I call WEDNESDAY. Anyway- instead of just randomly assuming the guy is a driving recklessly, I try and give the ol’ benefit of the doubt, and hope that perhaps the next time I’m in a hurry, the poor person I subtly zip in front of will empathize with ME. (I guess this is sort of like Karma, but without the Woo-Woo-Hocus-Pocus. Or sundresses. Or funny smelling incense.)

Now- I was trying to think of the one thing that all humans can sympathize / empathize with.

I came up with nothing.

I DID, however, come up with something that ALL MALES can sympathize with. And when I say all males, I mean ALL MALES. I don’t care what religion, nationality, age, sexual preference, Mac or PC user, Beatles or Stones fan, race or WHATEVER you are- there is one thing that EVERY GUY can associate with... AND this one thing crosses any personal feelings, or vendettas or histories or memories one might have. If a GUY hears about this THING happening to another person, they will have the IDENTICAL reaction, regardless of circumstance, geographical location, political affiliation, Bosco or Ovaltine preference, or ANYTHING.

Can you guess what I’m talking about?

That’s right – EVERY MALE ON THE PLANET CAN EMPATHIZE WITH-

A shot to the nuts.

I don’t care if you’re a Sunni looking at footage of a Shiite getting a wiffle ball bat to the crotch, or a Irish Catholic seeing a Protestant's Jewel Bag flayed by a bizarre lawn mower incident-

Your INITIAL reaction will be to bend over and go “ooofah…”Afterwards you might revel in your enemies pain, but INITIALLY (and this may just last a mere second), you feel SO BAD for the guy, that you’re physically affected.

NOW- How do we relate this to making the world a better place?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

But it IS sorta nice to know that there’s at least ONE THING that does unite everyone.

Maybe that could be the start.

“Excuse me – sir? You know how you and your people don’t want to share your supposed sacred land with your historical enemies? You know how you say that EVERYTHING they believe in and are, is anathema to your very existence? Well.. look at this tape:

[shows video of lifelong trans-generational male enemy member getting a brick dropped onto testicles]

… See! See! That second right there where you bent over and felt bad for the guy? THAT’S EMPATHY- You actually FELT BAD for your ENEMY…THAT’S WHERE WE START TALKING!!...”

Yeah. I’m sure that would work. America’s Funniest Home Videos as a Middle East salve.

Ah well.. I might still have to work the kinks out. (But I guarantee every guy reading this just shuddered a little at the "brick" comment. Welcome my brothers..)

One more thing…let me ask you- Is there a female equivalent to this? I don’t think so- but my uterus is SO tiny as to be essentially non-existent. Let me know ladies…

Grad Bag

2007-05-18T14:38:00.000-05:00

My Speech to the Graduating class of 2007:

Dear Students-

Hang up the phone and pull up your pants.

A Hitch, A Hack, and A Ho

2007-05-17T12:11:00.000-05:00

A few quick things-

One thing:

I heard the LINE OF THE WEEK from the irrepressible Chris Hitchens on “Hannity and Crypt Keeper” last night. Chris was talking about what a waste of DNA Jerry Falwell was, and as Sean (in his usual annoying and truly ignorant style) tried to over-talk and end the segment, the LAST thing you heard Christopher say was-

“If you gave Falwell an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox.”

Nice.

Other thing:

I was surfing around and found a website that deals with therapy for cancer victims. Among their products are CDs of music. One artist’s music they offer is a guy I used to play drums for. I could relate to the product description. This is how (no shit) it was described:

When dealing with cancer relax to the soothing
sounds of the Eric Mintel Jazz Quartet.

I mean, you’re probably vomiting already ANYWAY….

And yet another thing:

I have the most mundane dreams
forgetting a pencil or forgetting to signal right
-Out of My Mind Interrobang

Do you know what kind of a loser I am?

Here’s what kind:

I really DO have the most tame, BORING dreams you could imagine. Really. I dream that I’m watching TV, or I dream that I’m vacuuming, or writing, or blogging, or cooking eggs. I dream that I’m on the way to a gig looking for exit 14 on the Parkway. I’ve had dreams where I’m sitting by my phone in the kitchen, trying to remember a number. REAL EXCITING STUFF.

And best of all- I’ve dreamed that I’m WATCHING porn. Yes that’s right. Not INVOLVED in porn, no… WATCHING PORN. On TV. In my living room. Alone. Anyway…

I don’t get it- I think whenever something truly fantastic or surreal or even UNLIKELY happens, the HUGE chunk of skeptic brain CAN’T JUST RELAX and ENJOY THE RIDE. No, it insists on saying “wait…that ain’t right” and the dream becomes mundane, or I wake up. Ah well- the price of conscious clarity.

ANYWAY- Two nights ago, I was having a (finally!) amorous-fantasy-type dream with an amorous-fantasy-type blonde girl. (I'm pretty sure she had a PhD in Particle Physics by the way...) Now keep in mind that the only reason this was happening was because the dream was talking place in my own bed, and we were PRE-AMOROUS. M'Kay. As things start to get heated up, and we both are COMPLETELY READY and are on the cusp of SCREAMING OUT the varying integer spin of bosons...

MY ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF.

Yup.

Great.

That would be one thing but get this-

I wake up and attempt to get back to sleep by turning off the alarm. I daftly hope that maybe this ONE time I’ll be able to get Dr. Fantasy-Blonde back in bed if I fall right back to sleep. I go to turn off the alarm clock, but it won’t respond. My radio keeps on spewing out the HORRIBLE morning DJ banter that I usually rely on to wake me up, and I can’t figure out why the button I ALWAYS press every morning isn’t working. I really start to panic as I realize that dream blond is recessing further and further into the land of snooze, and my hopes for an amorous denouement and the subsequent C.E.R.N. orgy are ever less likely. The DJ just keeps on bantering and I keep on pressing the fucking SNOOZE and the OFF and the VOLUME and NOTHING IS WORKING and then…

I realize I’m dreaming.

Yes that’s right. I’m lying in bed- asleep- with the alarm ON; dreaming that I’m lying in bed- barely awake- trying to turn the alarm OFF.

I woke up, and turned off the alarm. Ah well.

I’m hoping she at least sends me a postcard from Hades.

Ding-A-Ling

2007-05-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

Do you feel as stupid as I do ringing the little bell at a service counter?

You know the deal: you’re in a small store and you’ve picked out which chocolate filled goo-egg you want to satiate your craving with, so you walk on over to the check out. The store is EMPTY and quieter than paint drying at a grass growing convention held at the Bell Labs acoustic testing center. There’s no one at the counter, so you take your time getting there in hopes that Mary Lou or Trevor will walk out from the store room... but no one appears. You cough lightly, or sniffle, or squeak your shoes so that SOMEONE will hear that there’s a customer waiting by the counter… but that doesn’t work. SO- You notice the little silver service bell with the hand written sign that says “RING for SERVACE" and after realizing that NO ONE’S EVER GOING TO COME OUT, you as gently as possible depress the tiny tack-like button on this little inverted Tibetan monk bowl, in the hopes that a pleasant “a-hem” like ring will emanate and inform the staff that there indeed IS someone waiting to make a purchase. You press the lever on this truly smaller than small device, and in pure ridiculing and impossibly obnoxious fashion it goes: “KA-LANG FUCKING RING DONG RING BOING BELL-PEEL FUCKING RING!!!” and both Mary Lou AND Trevor yell from the back “I’m COMING!” with the intonation that reveals that they left off the end of their sentence, which was probably something like “… YOU IMPATIENT FUCK!”

This happens to me all the time. Sheesh. Often, I’d rather go and walk around the isles and BUY MORE SHIT, in hopes of out waiting Break-Take-Fred, than stand by the counter and ring the bell of doom.

I was once in a 24 hour supermarket, and at 1:00 AM the morning the checkout conveyor had a miniature cowbell on it with a sign that said: “Ring Cowbell for Service.” Yes that’s right. A COWBELL. You were supposed to actually lift up this thing and ring it by swinging it back and forth as if you were auditioning for “third shepherd” in the stage production of Heidi- or perhaps were trying to play the pivotal scene as Ben Franklin in Town Crier II: Cry Hard.

AGAIN- as I attempted to QUIETLY ring the bell, it sounded like ALL THE COWS IN PENNSYLVANIA WERE RECREATING THE OPENING SEQUENCE FROM 28 DAYS LATER, and Chad or Brad or Trent or Kyle walked out from the back with a PISSED OFF LOOK on his face.

I thought-

“I’M SORRY I RANG THE BELL AND FOLLOWED THE INSTRUCTIONS.
YES- I’M THE DICK.”

I guess it would be ok, but it always seems like I’m COMPLETELY ANNOYING the person who’s hiding in the back, and come across as IMPATIENT. (Of the many horrible things that I am, impatient-in-public is not one of them.) Service boy usually gives that EXHALATION, and approaches you with the attitude of “… great…ANOTHER fucking customer.”

Is it ME?

Yes. Yes it is.

Mother's Day Rocks

2007-05-14T13:40:00.000-05:00

I’m never at a loss to marvel at the deeply rooted sense of wonder we humans have at the sight of a vast expanse of ocean. Is it a cross generational pan-speciotic sense of respect? Is it an intrinsically rooted post evolutionary sense of looking at our chromosomal and biochemical origins in the water? Is it the sheer monstrosity and vastness of BILLIONS of gallons of salty liquid that humbles us and gives us a sense of our true significance (or INSIGNIFICANCE) in the universe?

I dunno… but I do know that it’s fun as all fuck to throw rocks into waves at the beach.

I went up to my Aunt’s place (actually my Dad’s first cousin, which I GUESS makes her a cousin, but we’ve always called her “aunt”) up in Long Island, NY. My folks and Donna and I all drove up and had a really GREAT time hanging out with the entire family. All of the cousins were there, and all of the cousins kids, and the weather was perfect and the setting was lovely and the food was great and we all had a super nice time. (My family is of the strange and apparently rare kind that gets along with itself and ENJOYS ITS OWN COMPANY. I hear HORROR stories about my friend’s family experiences, and I’ve been very fortunate in that I’ve always looked FORWARD to family gatherings. Weird eh? Anyway…) As the evening concluded, and we were getting ready to leave, my Dad suggested that we quickly drive over to the north Long Island shoreline, seeing as it was less than 3 minutes away from the house. I had never BEEN to the beach by my Aunt’s place, and since the sun was setting, we thought we’d catch a few minutes of natural light show before venturing on to the suffocating cluster bomb of death that is the Long Island Expressway.

As we pulled up to the shore, the sun was still JUST peeking out over the horizon, and the crimson projection was just dazzling. I guess the beach at this location is (geologically speaking) relatively young, so there isn’t a lot of sand, but there are TONS AND TONS of perfectly smooth, perfectly rounded stones lining the shore. You know the kind of stones I’m talking about: these are the almost translucent, smooth, pink, grey and orange stones that you shell out a buck a piece for at places like GREEN DREAMS: The Snooty Plant Emporium and Sally's Sea Shore Soap Shop and Really Smelly Candle Hut. Well- the entire shoreline was just LACED with these stones (about eleven pounds of which both my Mom and Donna brought home) and they were absolutely PERFECT for skipping.

So now picture this- Four adults ranging in age from 35 to 66 are all standing on the beach (all dressed up, with me in a suit, natch) eagerly skipping stones into the ocean and giddily responding to both the multiple skip tosses (“ohh! Three skips… WOW FIVE!”) and to finding perfectly flat stones to throw (“lookit THIS one! PERFECT!”).

It was pretty cool.

At one point there was what appeared to be a rail road tie floating about 30 yards off shore. For some reason my Dad and I decided that we HAD to hit this thing with a rock, on the fly. It was our MISSION. (The tie was a five by five inch column, and about four feet long, so NOT the easiest thing to hit at 30 to 40 yards.) The next few minutes were devoted to closer and closer near misses that never scored a direct hit. (Poop.) I have to say the old man and I were pretty spot on, constantly coming within a yard of hitting the damn thing. The ladies would feed us rocks until the appeal of the challenge wore off, and they started walking towards the car. My Dad and I took our final shots, and just couldn’t seem to connect. At that point it didn’t really matter though, because we had both been transported (if only for a few seconds) to a timeless place where boys are completely content throwing rocks into the ocean, and would rather be no where else in the world.

Nice.

Book 'Em Geo

2007-05-10T13:17:00.000-05:00

OK. Some housekeeping:

Lots of folks have been asking about how they can get copies of my literary masterpiece “Non-Coloring Book.” Well… we initially printed up a limited number, so they’re available but they’re going fast. If you would like a SIGNED copy- please send me a check, money order, beaver pelt or Pre-Civil War Silver Certificates in the amount of $15.00. (make checks payable to George Hrab) and I’ll get one to ya forthwith.

Send your book request and mailing info to:

George Hrab Non-Coloring Book
77 West Broad St. Unit #5
Bethlehem, PA 18018

We are going to EVENTUALLY have this available on line for purchase, but THAT edition will be SLIGHTLY different than the first batch. SO- in the future the 1st editions will be MUCH MORE VALUABLE, especially after I hijack the Hurlatron Roller Coaster at Six Flags over Kerhonkson.

Speaking of books- A good friend of mine from high school has written and released his SECOND book called “Sharehouse Confidential.” John Blesso and I went to high school together, and he and I have remained in contact with each over the years. (John was student council President, and I was his Dick Cheney, although the closest I ever got to a secret location was alone in my room with a copy of Juggs.) Anyway- John has written a great book about owning a summer share house on Long Island, and what it’s like when a bunch of thirty-something New Yorkers get together for an epicurean summer adventure. Great stuff, lots of fun.

Check out John HERE, and buy his book HERE

This is John's book. He's a REAL writer. Cool.

One of the things John talks about in his book is how he sympathizes with single women in New York. When looking to book guests for his sharehouse, he likes to have an even ratio of men to women, and though it’s easy to find smart, sexy, fun women- it’s NIGH IMPOSSIBLE to find their straight male counterparts. You know- if a guy likes to cook, and enjoys good conversation, and prefers cool music, and takes care of himself physically, and knows how to groom and dress himself, and doesn’t insist on getting hammered at every social gathering- HE’S GAY. At least that seems to be what John finds… and not that he doesn’t want gay guys around, but the POINT of being in the sharehouse is for people to meet each other and have fun. (He calls it horizontal refreshment. How great is THAT!) That being said-

If you’re a single guy who is even MILDLY NON-NEANDERTHAL and is looking for an incredible summer experience, get in touch with John HERE.

Other stuff-

Since working with ONE band seems to take up not nearly enough time, and I’ve told you about the Lisa Bodnar Band, I figured I’d mention another cool project I’m starting. JP Cappiello (he who wrote the preface to Non Coloring Book) asked me if I wanted to be involved in a Police Tribute Band.

I think the conversation went something like this:

JP: Hey George, would you like to be in a Police trib-

Geo: YES!

Apart for Bill Bruford, I would say that Stewart Copeland has been the GREATEST influence on my percussive tendencies. I am WELL QUALIFIED for this gig, seeing as I KNOW EVERY POLICE TUNE, and struggle DAILY to NOT sound like Stewart Copeland while playing the drums. JP also asked Tom Sweeney (from the Geologic Orchestra) to play guitar, and we have christened ourselves The Synchronicity Three.

We’ve had one rehearsal so far and have another one tonight. Let me tell you- playing these songs is SO MUCH GODDAM FUN I just don’t know what to do with myself.

It is funny though, that over the last seven or eight years I’ve been STRUGGLING in the funk band, fighting against my Copelandian tendencies to PUSH the beat. A lot of the funk repertoire requires players to LAY BACK in what we incredibly hip and only LEGALLY and MARGINALLY white dudes call IN THE POCKET. This is sort of the antithesis to Stewart’s “on top of the beat,” pushing style. I grew up listening to Stewart, AND I'm somewhat impatient ANYWAY, so I have a NATURAL tendency to push. I’ve gotten WAY BETTER at laying back, but now with the Police thing- I have to IGNORE ALL THAT and push-push-push! Weird. It’s kind of like someone losing they’re accent when they move up north, and then going back home and re-instating their old speech patterns. Nice.

We have our premier show at Allentown’s MAYFAIR on May 25th. (We're listed as QUIXOTIC -long story- but that's us at 3:00 on the Master Stage. Really. Anyway.)

That's it for now. In the words of Mr. Sting:

"E. O."

Sleep vs. Kubrick

2007-05-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

The late night TV curse hit me again last night.

Let me ‘splain.

I was working on this week's podcast (What?! You haven’t heard my podcast? Quick go HERE now!) and it was a bit of a bear. I didn’t finish editing the fucker until two in the morning. As I went next door to catch the 2 am edition of Good Eats I figured I’d watch for 30 minutes or so and then truck off to bed.

Well- as often happens when I want to sleep- I surfed upon the film Paths of Glory. This is an early Kubrick film, that many consider to be his first real masterwork. STUPIDLY I assumed I’d watch “a few minutes” and then depart for the land of snooze and impractical dream orgies.

No such luck.

I had seen this film before, but I was again completely drawn in by this exemplary anti-war story. The film deals with the trial of three soldiers being court-martialed for cowardice. The soldiers are randomly chosen from a regiment that refused to storm over the trenches in an impossibly timed attack. The generals running the show are outraged at this mass insubordination, and as an example, decide to put three soldiers to death. Kirk Douglas plays Colonel Dax, who defends the soldiers during the court martial.

Now- this film has some INCREDIBLE battle sequences, and they look amazing and still play well (unlike many older war movies that look like cartoons) but the thing that truly struck me was the dialog and the acting. These characters are all supposed to be french men during World War I, but they all speak very naturally with American accents. (Some of the generals have slight British accents, but it’s almost more of a pomp thing than a placed accent). The soldiers all speak VERY naturally to each other, and no one feels compelled to “speek lak zis, bekawz we arrr all FRANCH yu know!”

While watching Paths of Glory, I thought of two things:

One – Harrison Ford's re-DIC-ulous accent in K-9: The Widowmaker. (I’m a Raashin Ghyeneral on mai soob-marin…)

and

Two- the horrible HORRIBLE H O R R I B L E acting in the film The Ten Commandments. I wanted to check and see what year Paths was from, and compare it to what year The Ten Commandments was made. Guess what? Paths was from 1957, Commandments: 1956.

That's right. Less than a year apart. BOTH films were in production at the same time, at MAJOR studios, and they couldn't be any more different.

If you REALLY want to have a Stanislavskian Good Time- WATCH The Ten Commandments. (Hopefully with some robots from the Satellite of Love.) ABC usually broadcasts this literal PIECE of HOLY SHIT on either Good Friday or Easter Sunday. It really is incredible. And remember- I consider Gatorade Enemas incredible.

Anyway- I find it AMAZING that these two diametrically opposed acting / directing styles could be produced within 12 months of each other. TWELVE MONTHS! Everyone in Paths is so natural, and so at ease with their dialog- even when things get heated, it feels like it could have been made last year. When the condemned men are walking to be executed, one of the soldiers is barely able to walk and he desperately clutches at a priest’s sleeve. It’s both pitiful and pathetic and sad and moving and infuriating. Incredible.

The Ten Commandments however is just silly. Every bit of drama is overblown, and the dialog and acting are just HORRIBLE.

Synopsis-

Paths of Glory:
Incredibly timeless anti-war parable with realistic dialog,
emotional resonnance, true life plot and incredible cinematography.

The Ten Commandments:
Sack of Doody.

Watch Paths of Glory if you have a chance- and then get a bunch of friends together and throw shit at the screen during The Ten Commandments.

Alcoholics and Anamus

2007-05-07T12:54:00.000-05:00

Drunk assholes rarely get their comeuppance.

Let me ‘splain.

I live above a bar. Well, it’s really a pub, or at least it USED to be a pub, when I first moved into my place 14 years ago. They served lunch and had a small quiet clientele that would pretty much dissipate by 9:00 at night. That was then. NOW the bar is one of the last vestiges in town for SMOKERS to assemble, so these phlegm hacking monkeys like to WHOOP IT UP under my living room ‘till 2:00 AM , THEN exit the bar in AS LOUD A WAY AS POSSIBLE, screaming at each other as if they were still being pummeled by a DJ, when the only sound they actually have to scream over is the disquieting enzymatic collapse of their collective livers.

THING IS- I’m usually working and away when these nicotards are carousing (Thursday through Sunday) so it really doesn’t affect me TOO much. SOMETIMES though, on a Wednesday or Tuesday night, some folks get stupid and make noise, and set their car stereos to “ass pummel” and wake everyone up… OFTEN these folks are annoying, argumentative, and not very responsive to polite reasoning. (surprise!) You usually walk outside, ask them to turn down the music, and they question the fortitude of your real estate acumen. They then often drive off, and depending on their age, go home to either beat their children, or back to campus for a date rape seminar.

SOMETIMES, VERY RARELY, things go in favor of the house.

LAST WEDNESDAY night I was startled by THE LOUDEST FUCKING CAR STEREO I HAVE EVER HEARD. No joke. It was 2:45 AM. The bumpers on the car were vibrating, as were the porno DVDs on my nightstand. This went on for about 8 minutes, whereby it abruptly stopped. I was figuring that they would drive off, and hopefully wrap themselves around a telephone poll, while injuring no one else. About 60 seconds of quiet went by, and the noise started again. Reluctantly, I went outside and said- ‘guys come ON- are you kidding me? There’s 22 units here, and you’re waking EVERYONE UP... it’s three in the fucking morning…”

To which DJ Drinks-A-Lot said “Oh… I didn’t realize.”

Here then is an abbreviated version of our conversation, using only punctuation.

me: “?!”

him: “…”

me: “….?!”

him: “?”

me: “?...?!”

him: “…”

me: “!!”

him: “…”

me: “!!!!”

…it went on like this for about 10 minutes; covering all of the standard arguing techniques associated with the consumption of alcohol. Challenges, slurred logic, staggered ass-WHOLE-ness, and all the rest, until he essentially was challenging me to PUT him back in his car. (“I’ll good when I’m leave and ready…hic…”)

Suddenly, THE POLICE SHOWED UP. (Keep in mind this guy has had AMPLE OPPORTUNITY to take off, and leave cursing bald guy behind.) Three cruisers. NICE.

After explaining the situation to the police, I stood back and decided to watch this incredibly cool episode of “Cops” unfurl. The police officer COMPLETELY commiserated with me and said “I’ll bust this guys chops for a while then send him home…” SWEET!

Well… It turns out that this guy had NO ID, gave a FAKE NAME to the cop, and an INVALID SOCIAL SECURITY number. All the while he’s doing this, he’s spitting on the ground right by the officer, (how fucking stupid can you be) and insisting “I’m legal!”

After about 10 minutes of questions, the cops PUT HIM IN HANDCUFFS, and placed him in the back of the squad car.

I ALMOST felt sorry for the guy.

Almost.

In these scenarios, the guy playing the part of “asshole” usually just drives away at his leisure, and you just stand there feeling somewhat impotent. THIS TIME, he ALMOST got what he deserved. As he was walking to the cruiser, cuffed, he looked over at me and said “I’m sorry…”

“I bet you are…” I said.

Things never go like this. Yay.

NYC Gig this Sunday

2007-04-17T12:21:00.000-05:00

Hey Kids, real quick-

I'm playing drums with a brand new band called The Lisa Bodnar Band

Lisa is a super cool singer songwriter that has put together a kick-ass band.

This is Lisa. This shot was taken the
SECOND before she smashed the vase into a
thousand pieces against her forehead. Kidding.
Lisa's really talented. And not to bad to look at either...

We're having our debut this SUNDAY. If you're anywhere close to the city, come on out!

DETAILS:

Sunday April 22
C L U B M I D W A Y
show starts at 7:00pm
$5 at the door

Club Midway, NYC
25 Avenue B, New York, NY
(Between 2nd and 3rd st.)
212-253-2595

Club Midway

HEAR some of Lisa's stuff here

THANKS!

New podcast up tomorrow. Fun stuff a'comin'...

Live from Godfrey Daniels

2007-04-11T17:47:00.000-05:00

I figured I'd do something a little different for the podcast this week. I decided to post the ENTIRE Godfrey Daniels concert. That's right- I put it up as TWO one hour podcasts.

Show Number 9 parts I and II.

Go HERE and download away- and listen to some different arrangements of tunes, a few rants, and some readings from Non-Coloring Book.

Included in the show are cool versions of
brainsbodyboth, Incompetent, Age of the Fern, Barney's In the Vent,
Think For Yourself, The More I Despise It Less, Out of My Mind,
and more.

Out of the myriad of performances I've done over the last few years, I have to say that this was one of the MOST fun.

Check it out!

The sketch above, by the way, was done by Katherine Steyn, during the show. Nifty.
You can also see photos from the night HERE

ENJOY.

Radio Radio...

2007-04-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

So it looks like I'll be on the radio on Tuesday. The folks at Godfrey Daniels have a weekly show over at WDIY, and they want me to do a few minutes promoterizin' Friday's show.

Well... actually... I ASKED if I could come on the radio and promote the show. Weird story- a little uncomfortable, but ultimately OK.

It seems that the folks at Godfreys thought I was going to have a full BAND for this show, (even though I had e-mailed them a show description with the words SOLO ACOUSTIC SHOW as the header... I guess I need to be less subtle...) and were concerned that since I had done a solo show at the Wired Gallery a few weeks ago (whose admission price was $2.00) folks wouldn't want to pony up 15 bucks for a Godfrey's show unless it was DIFFERENT. Argh.

I have to say that this upset me a little bit. Godfrey's is so amazingly cool, that when some of the standard "music business" garbage entered into it, I was kinda disappointed.

Here's what bugged me:

FIRST- I have always ASKED that the admission for the Godfrey's show be AS LOW AS POSSIBLE. I NEVER have set the prices, and would be OK with ANYTHING that they would charge. (Remember that I only charged $10.00 for the IceHouse show, which included a TEN PIECE band.) The first time I played at Godfrey's (three years ago) they wanted the charge to be $15.50, and I asked if it could be lower. They lowered it to $14.50. Yay. THIS year, they jacked it back up to $15.50. THAT'S FINE with me, but I'm not establishing the market price around here. NOW- Godfrey's offers a very UNIQUE experience in its "listening club" environment. Do I think it's worth $15.50? FUCK YES, but again, that's not the point.

The artist payment deal is a 70/30 split, (artist / venue) which is VERY fair and nice. TO BE HONEST, I'd rather have the ticket price be lower, and take a smaller cut, say 60/40, so that the clubs costs can be covered. Maybe next time.

SECOND- There was a concern about me playing at Wired so close to the Godfrey's Show. This seemed kind of bullshit-ish to me because there are TONS of local players that PLAY LOCALLY ALL THE TIME, and do the SAME FREAKIN' TUNES and STILL DO SHOWS AT GODFREY's.

[Just as an example, last month there was a local artist who was playing Abruzzi's on Main (a restaurant) on the 7th, Mezza Luna (another restaurant) on the 9th , GODFREY'S on the 10th, The Brick Tavern (yet another restaurant) on the 14thth, and The Holiday Inn (a Holiday Inn) on the 16th. The show charge was $15.50 for his show. I SERIOUSLY DOUBT that the restaurants were charging the same price. Anyway...]

Again- from EVERY INDICATION these local guys do the SAME songs, the SAME way with SAME people. IF THERE IS ONE THING I DO WELL- it's that I change shit up all the time so that each show is its own thang. With the book release this time, reading excerpts will add a whole NEW dimension to the show, NOT TO MENTION the re-arranged solo versions of my tunes.

THIRD- I was told that we "only" have about twenty pre-sells (this was as of last week) and that they were "concerned." (Keep in mind that the venue holds less than 100 people, so you don't need huge amounts of folks to fill the place.) I said that if there was any suggestions they had about promotion, I'd gladly help. (Remember that I've printed and mailed out about 300 postcards, and have made and put up posters for the show on my own.) I also said that I'd love to go ON THE RADIO and promote the show. They agreed...

FOURTH- I mentioned to the club that there were a few reasons why I was doing a solo show. I'm going to read a bunch from the book, so I didn't want guys just sitting on stage for a chunk of the night; some of the Geologic Guys were unavailable; I got RAPED by the IRS and don't have the FUNDS to rehearse and PAY the guys; I've never DONE a solo show at Godfrey's; and lastly I'm planning on doing MANY MORE of these solo shows, so I want to get in the habit and see what works.

Now remember- I LOVE GODFREY DANIELS, and am REALLY EXCITED to play there. It truly is a one-of-a-kind club, and the show I'm putting together is going to absolutely kick ass. The folks at Godfrey's have been INCREDIBLY supportive, and it just came as a bit of surprise when some of these comment were made. Since I was initially contacted by the club, I addressed their concerns and everything seems to be all right. Yay!

So I guess the point to all this is that IF YOU'RE PLANNING on going to the show- give a call and reserve a ticket, and if you want to hear me read a few excerpts from the book and play a song or two- tune onto WDIY 88.1 on TUESDAY at 7:00 pm, or listen on line HERE

here's the poo one more 'gain-

F r i d a y , A p r i l 6 t h , 2 0 0 7
8 : 0 0 P M

George Hrab presents:
The Entire History of the Universe (abridged)

featuring the release of "Non-Coloring Book"

Godfrey Daniels
A NOT-FOR-PROFIT,
MEMBER SUPPORTED LISTENING ROOM
7 East Fourth Street,
Bethlehem, PA 18015-1601
(610) 867-2390
Box Office Hours: 2 pm - 6 pm,
Tuesday through Saturday

Seating is limited- Call and reserve your tickets TODAY

Book, Concert, Podcast, Yeast Infection...

2007-03-29T10:51:00.000-05:00

Ever read something 300 times in hopes of finding mistakes you might have missed? It’s FUN. Really. Those jokes you wrote six months ago, that you’ve seen about 38,000 times… they’re still HILARIOUS. All of the dashes, and spaces, and commas, and periods, and slashes, and deciding whether there should be an ellipse or a period. A BLAST.

Actually… it IS kinda fun.

The book goes to the printer today.

Holy smokin' nertz gobblins.

Donna looked at me the other day and said- "If you die tomorrow, you've got a pretty decent legacy."

"Thanks?" I said.

I get what she means though. Five albums and a book. Not too shabby. Someone looking at all this shit 50 years from now could think:

"hmmm... I have a pretty decent idea of who this Hrab guy was... and I see the groundwork that ultimately led to his dying in a hail of bullets and hot sauce while wearing a pink wet suit and beer helmet."

The book will be available FRIDAY, April 6th.
That day will also be the concert at Godfrey Daniels.

COINCIDENCE?

Yes. Wholeheartedly.

Here are the details.

Be sure to downloaderize the WEEKLY PODCAST too. Some stuff you’ve missed:

Why skiing moguls is better than skiing not-moguls
Me calling myself from the future
Multiple Religious Morons of the Week
Stories of horrible Ukrainian PA systems
Why Les Stroud is SO MUCH COOLER than Bear Gryls
Secret in-studio recordings of The Ohio Players
Tales of Indestructible Bastards
What my REAL voice sounds like
AND SO MUCH FREAKIN’ MORE.

Available EVERY WEDNESDAY here.

Nice.

Picture to Picture

2007-03-28T11:08:00.000-05:00

Neural Pathways. Think of a word then think of the FIRST thing that pops into your head and see how long it takes you to get back to your original word. Kinda shows where your head is at. See how many BRAND NAMES you come up with....

Picture
Mussorgsky
Russian
Dragon
Knight
Monty Python
Zoo
Monkey
Chimp
Banana
Carmen Miranda
Brazil
Terry Gilliam
Skipper
Professor
Einstein
Back to the Future
Delorean
Monster Truck
SUV
Gasoline
Iraq
Poland
Pierogy
Fries
Orange box
Color
ID Magazine
Popular Mechanics
Mailbox
Dog
Fish
Coelacanth
Gig
Guitar
Tuning
Fripp
Glasses
Lenscrafters
Mall
Pants
Waist
Gym
Sweat
Towel
Shower
Sauna
Tile
Factory
Overalls
Blue
Ocean
Pelican
Looney Tunes
Bugs Bunny
Carrot
Diamond
Djimon Hunsou
Ship
Mail
Package
Brown paper
Roll
Coffee
Breakfast
Newspaper
Magazine
Picture

Nobilis- All Bull

2007-03-26T18:40:00.000-05:00

Hoo was this fun! Some guy named Nobilis posted a comment on my podcast page. He complained about the content of the show.

What. The. Fuck.

Could you IMAGINE taking the time out to complain about the CONTENT of some assholes PODCAST?

And here’s the best part- He complained that I bitched to much about Religious Ritual. Me? Talk about religion? In a negative way? WHAAAA?

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LISTEN TO MY PODCAST TO BEGIN WITH?

I think by exposing yourself to about nineteen seconds of the Geologic Universe, a few things become instantly apparent- among which are MY VIEWS ON RELIGION. If you make it to podcast number SIX there is NO REASON you shouldn’t know what going on.

Anyway- First is his comment. Followed by mine.

Like I said- FUN.

* * * * * * * *

George, why do you think people listen to your podcast?

It's for the entertainment.

Devoting three quarters of your podcast to a very long rant about religion is not entertaining. After ten minutes I started skipping ahead. Ten minutes is plenty. When I hit the twenty minute mark I stopped it.

I'm very frustrated. I don't mind your religion rants, they're usually right on the mark... but this one went way, way overboard.

Here's why:

I have a shelf in my house, covered with foil (for safety) where I burn candles. I like candles. To me, they symbolize peace, enlightenment, and the transitory nature of life and its problems. TO ME. Not to any God or gods, not to any mystical force... to me.

Stay with me.

Would you agree that peace and enlightenment are good things? Would you agree that life and its problems are indeed transitory? Burning candles helps me to keep those things in mind. They are a tool I use for engineering my own consciousness.

Burning candles is a ritual. People use ritual to change the way they think and feel about things. Basically, it's a non-chemical drug.

Do you drink coffee or beer? Do you exercise? Do you have sex? Chances are good that you do at least some of these things.

Do you do any of these things because of the way they make you feel, because of the effects they has on your brain? Doing any of these things is NO different than performing a ritual. To claim some kind of superiority over people who perform rituals is an act of hypocrisy, if you indulge in any sort of mind-altering behavior.

Heck, from the right point of view, MUSIC is the same way! Have you ever listened to music in order to change the way you think or feel? That's NO different than using ritual.

Some people don't understand ritual. They do them because of social pressure, or fear of God, or because they believe some magical effect will happen as a result. THOSE things are pretty silly when you come right down to it. Hell, doing ANYTHING because of social pressure or fear of God or magical effects is pretty silly.

But one of the things you derided in this podcast is not the motivations for ritual, but the act of ritual itself.

Now I realize that you probably acted out of ignorance. It appears, from what I heard, that you conflated the ritual (not silly) with some of the common motivations for ritual (silly). This is a common mistake among atheists and agnostics and I don't blame you for it. Happens all the time.

I hope that you read this post and understand it. I'm not asking you to perform rituals. I'm not asking you to stop poking fun at some of the weird ways that people use rituals. I'm just asking that you do so from a perspective that includes an understanding of what ritual is, at its core.

If you're interested in having a conversation about this topic, I'm willing.

posted by: Nobilis

Oooh. Fun.

Hey Nobilis- Why do you think people create podcasts?

To talk about WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT TO.

Now I realize that you’re forced BY LAW to listen to my podcast- and I’m sorry that can’t use the FAST FORWARD control (that you mentioned in your post) to skip over the shit you don’t like and I realize that you’re only posting to complain about the content of this COMPLETELY FREE ENTERTAINMENT I provide because of the new internet laws FORCING you to... so I’ll cut you some slack.

I’m not talking about RITUALS. I’m talking about the MEANING IMBUED INTO rituals. Hey- if you want to light candles, or count ceiling tiles, or chew soda bottles or WHATEVER- BE MY GUEST. I think it’s INCREDIBLY hypocritical however- (and the MEANING behind my ¾ podcast length rant is THIS) to think that

A: These rituals effect ANYTHING REAL,

or

B: If you DON’T perform these rituals you’ll be punished by some invisible force of the universe, or something other BAD might happen,

or

C: YOUR rituals make more SENSE than someone else’s rituals.

Do you realize that before I figured out the sham-nature of ALL RELIGIOUS THOUGHT I used to be TERRIFIED that I’d burn in hell if I didn’t cross myself at the appropriate time? Is that a good effect of ritual?

You yourself described what I’m talking about:

Some people don't understand ritual. They do them because of social pressure, or fear of God, or because they believe some magical effect will happen as a result. THOSE things are pretty silly when you come right down to it. Hell, doing ANYTHING because of social pressure or fear of God or magical effects is pretty silly.

Bingo. You go on to say-

But one of the things you derided in this podcast is not the motivations for ritual, but the act of ritual itself.

Uhh.. what’s the difference? I was talking about THESE SPECIFIC RITUALS that ARE RIDICULOUS. When I listen to music, or exercise, or have sex it is absolutely NOT the same as a ritual. I place no RELIGIOUS / SPIRITUAL / UNIVERSAL / SUPERNATURAL meaning into those activities. I do them because my brain / body likes the way it feels. I like to sit in front of the TV with a pillow on my right and a bottle of Cherry Zero on my left. I do this almost every night. If I DON’T do this- I WILL BE ALRIGHT AND WILL NOT SUFFER ANY CONSEQUENCES.

YOU HOWEVER- If you don’t type a long-ass post onto my comment page because you didn’t like my podcast, you probably worry that you’ll lose your geek license, and that Michael and Evo won’t be with you at the re-newel ceremony when you fly off at Carousel.

You wanna call me ignorant and superior- that’s FINE. But which one of us has decided to take the time and EXPLAIN through a semi-anonymous FORUM how what the OTHER THINKS and SAYS is WRONG and NOT ENTERTAINING. Would that be me- or YOU?

So hey- if you don’t find what I’m doing entertaining- TURN THE SHIT OFF. I hate to be the one to break this to you BUT I’M NOT DOING THIS FOR YOU.

Why don’t you take some of the foil off the shelf and… oh never mind.

Musician's Cooler

2007-03-19T11:57:00.000-05:00

It's finally up!

Dave from Musician's Cooler posted his interview with me today. I listened to it and I think it's purty cool.

His whole site is really great and I really enjoyed talking to him.

Go check it out HERE.

Enjoy-

More and more book editing... short post for now. Listen to the podcast on Wednesday- Special Religious Edition.

Should be fun.

My cousin wrote a comment on the "Why? Cuz Roman" post. Nifty. Look here to see what he commentisized.

Sweet.

Nerft. Waz. and Pif!

Faithful Elephants

2007-03-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posts. I’ve been editing and fixing up our big book release (Non-Coloring Book, available April 6th at the Godfrey Daniels Show- go here for details and to reserve your ticket go now do it do it) so the writing portion of my brain has been showing the “occupied” sign, much like an engaged toilet on an airplane.

Podcasts are up here, and I think they’ve been going OK. This week’s show featured a big chunk of the Q&A from the Wired Gallery gig, so if you’ve never experienced THAT, you can podcast yourself into Geologic oblivion.

Nice.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Did you ever read or hear of the book Faithful Elephants? I read a story in TIME magazine about some zoos in the US that are relocating their elephants to larger more humane holding areas, and for SOME reason I was reminded of this book that my Mom read to me when I was a kid. I think I must have been six or seven years old when she read me this “children’s” book at bedtime. I say “children’s" because from my recollection it was a pretty heave subject.

Faithful Elephants is a beautifully illustrated (via watercolor) picture book that apparently is based on a true story. During World War II, a zoo in Japan was forced to kill off all of their animals, because they were unable to care for them- and they were worried that allied bombs could destroy some holding areas and release these animals into the city, causing havoc. All of the zoo’s animal residents were humanely killed, except for their three elephants. The staff tried to poison them , but they wouldn’t eat their poisoned food. They tried to inject them with something that would put them to sleep, but the needles couldn’t puncture their tough skin. The staff painfully realized that their only option was to kill these creatures by starving them.

The book then goes through the process where these elephants get weaker and weaker, until they finally die. I haven’t seen this book in 30 years, but I can distinctly remember these VIVID watercolors showing the skin hanging off of these poor creatures. At one point in the story, the three barley living elephants, in an effort to receive a food reward, perform their signature “trick”, which is standing on their hind legs. The elephant keeper is so overcome that he can’t stand it anymore and he throws food at them. “Eat eat!” he yells, and he looks up into the sky and shouts at some allied planes flying overhead. “Stop the war! Stop ALL wars!” he screams.

I can remember being REALLY confused as a kid. I asked my Mom why Americans would drop bombs on poor animals, and I think she tried to explain that in war there are a lot of awful things that happen, and most of them are very unfair. After reading this I was upset, and sad, and angry, and scared, just plain old CONFUSED. I DON’T remember wishing that I hadn’t heard the story though. I was glad that my Mom read this to me, and I think being exposed to something this REAL and inherently SHADED with meaning very easily set up the brain pathways that would influence the way I think.

Looking back I’m quite surprised that my folks would have read this, but I am SO GLAD they did. It obviously has stayed with me, and (again) I haven’t seen this book or even really consciously thought about it since that night- but the effect it’s had on me is undeniable.

Is the book an anti-war tome that says we should never have to sacrifice the innocent? Or is it the complete opposite and is trying to show that in life there are sometimes incredibly difficult choices that need to be made? I don’t know. Maybe a little of both. The book begins with a boy looking at a plaque that speaks about the three elephants, and wondering what their story is. He’s told the tale by an old worker, and then the story ends with this boy still in the zoo looking at the current animal residents including some elephants. I guess this shows that life does somehow go on…

Having just read an AMAZING interview with Ann Druyan (Carl Sagan’s widow) in the newest issue of Skeptic, I was struck by her comments that we need to be HONEST with our kids. Being honest includes being honest about death, and being honest about the randomness and unfairness of a lot of life. She made the point that kids are often much more resilient and CURIOUS than we give them credit. Reading a book like Faithful Elephants to a child could be a very difficult, even scary proposition- but ultimately I think it would provide an incredible opportunity to honestly expose and share with a child what everyone (on SOME level, at SOME point in life) has to go through.

Faithful Elephants by Yukio Tsuchiya- check it out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

That being said- This Sunday I have to do a 30 minute presentation to kids (in Ukrainian!) about music. Wish me luck.

Upcoming coming-ups

2007-03-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

Couple o' things:

O N E S Y -

Nice cool fun intimate gig tomorrow at Wired cafe. If you're in the area, come on out. I'll play whatever you want to hear.

WIRED Cafe & Gallery
George Hrab LIVE on FLOOR
Friday , March 9th 8:00 PM
520 Main St. Bethlehem PA
610-317-8010

T W O S E Y -

Phil Plait commented on my "Spinning Plaits" blog. He said... ready... here goes..

" I love this guy."

How cool is THAT! Seriously... unless he was referring to the post in which I talk mostly about him, and he was referring to himself... which why wouldn't he... I mean Phil Plait IS lovable... but geez... maybe he meant Joe Rogan... or ...

Anyway. Phil is just the best- go see for yourself HERE.

T H R E E - Z

Newest podcast is up, and for you funk fans I'd AT LEAST check out at about the 10 minute mark seeing as I unearthed some VERY interesting behind-the-scenes audio of The Ohio Players. Rat tat tat.

F O U R S E Y -

We are printing a book. Holy buckets of chum soaked grit biscuits.
It will be available on Friday April 6th at Godfrey Daniels, when I premier my one man performance:

George Hrab Presents: The Entire History of the Universe (abridged)

The book is called

NON-COLORING BOOK

and is very silly.

Go HERE or call 610-867-2390 and get tickets for this event.

J A Y - Z

You can see a time-lapse video of me getting bodypainted HERE
It's a little glitchy, but still kinda cool. The music sucks though...

A t o Z

I have noticed that since I began working out vociferously for the Interrobang cover (spring 2005) I haven't written SHIT music wise. I don't know if there is a direct correlation or not- but I'm in deep kaka. I need to write. I need to write for album number SIX. I need to write for album number SIX because it'll be two years in November. I need to write for album number SIX because it'll be two years in November and I don't want to break a ten year streak. I need...

I have nothing so far. ZERO. Do I need to get fat to write a great album? Dunno. Do I want to keep writing stuff about silly animals? Dunno. Should I try something COMPLETELY different like a record without drums or maybe Jon Dowland songs on lute? Dunno. Should I work with a local chamber group and do my shitty version of The Juliet Letters? Dunno. Should I completely embrace my inner geek and write songs that only sci-fi fans can love? Dunno.Should I do a record with the guys from the Geologic Orchestra? Dunno.

Dunno, dunno, dunno.

I'll keep you posted.

Dee Jay Oy Vey

2007-03-05T16:05:00.000-05:00

Quick gig report:

DJs are often self important assholes.

Extended gig report:

I guess I should back up and say that musicians are often self important assholes too, BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE A SKILL SET.

Let me ‘splain

We were hired to play a fund raiser for the Have a Heart Foundation (which maybe should be called Have a Clue When Hiring the Band Foundation, but I’ll get to that later…) in lovely New Hope, PA. The venue was a country club just on the outskirts of town, and we were supposed to start cocktails at 6:00. Dave B. (keyboards) and I are usually among the first to arrive at any particular gig, and Saturday was business as usual. As we arrived, there was a Bat-Mitzvah just finishing, clearing out of the room we were to be in. As we loaded in our respective carts o’ gear, we looked over at the stage area and saw a GINORMOUS DJ setup. This setup would have made D.W. Griffith blush, and it involved huge speakers, lights, a balloon bridge, some kind of illuminated Ego Gazebo (Gazebo?) that looked like a 1970’s idea of what they thought a puppet theater would look like in the year 1999, and TONS of inflatable party tchotchke. (Oh yeah… gotta have inflatable guitars, hats, robots, and saxophones. That’s how you can tell it’s a PARTY. Heaven forefend that people have a good time without motherfucking PROPS. Anyway…)

As we stepped into the room, the main DJ (or at least the guy with puffiest face and farthest extended select-a-size tuxedo pants) says to me:

“Who are you?”

Now- I KNOW that he means:

“…excuse me my good man, but I can tell by the type and quantity of your cartage that you are a fellow comrade in the entertainment industry. Perchance, tell me with which organization are you affiliated, and what is the name of your ensemble?”

but fuck him. You can be nice. You can ask in a TRILLION ways more nicely than:

“who are you?”

Douche. Just pissed me off right away.

I responded-

“Fine, nice to see you too.”

He said-

“no no no, what BAND are you with…" (as if I’M the idiot.)

I responded-

“I know what you mean. We’re with the Philadelphia Funk Authority.”

With that I turned around and pretended to adjust a strap on my cymbal bag that has been in the exact same configuration for 8 years. He blurts out (to the back of my head mind you…)

“I’m Nick (some fucking last name that I really wish I remembered so I could look at his website)… never heard of me right? TWENTY SEVEN years in the business…”

I slowly turned around and tried to project photon torpedoes through my eyes directly into his forehead.

I also tried, with Chuck Jones-like face animation, to wordlessly convey: "You’ve GOT to be kidding me…Are you trying to impress me- you button-pushing, sax-inflating fuck? Huh?"

I would say there was a 12% chance he got my meaning. Nerft.

Well.. it took NICK about 45 minutes to pack up his RECORD PLAYER.

All the while poor Dave is freaking out because he has to set up his gear for the main stage AND another bunch of gear for cocktail hour. By this time the rest of the band shows up, and there’s a bottleneck of gear getting in and gear getting out. Feh.

The MOST ridiculous thing was the absolute FUCKING MESS that Nick and his Fat-Mitzvah crew left. Empty glasses, sheets of paper, napkins, confetti, shit taped to the floor of the stage… it was a complete trashing. THE BEST though was when one of the DJ’s assistant’s proceeds to POP every balloon in the 200 plus Balloon-Bridge-of-Semitic-Womanhood and leave all the limp deflated remnants right where they would drop, like some strange combination of Bozo the Clown and a Moil. The hostess of the venue (the lovely Carmella) started cleaning up all this shit, and Dave and Dale and I walked over and commiserated with her. I said that I couldn’t believe the MESS these guys left- and she told me that we didn’t even know the half of it. Dr. Music and his Interns of Groove had been a pain in the ass all afternoon apparently, what with their demands (?) and doing a generally SHITTY job in the DJ department. (Quick… they’re not dancing… inflate more yarmulkes!) We helped her clean up all the crap, and she seemed very grateful.

(It goes to show that being NICE not only makes sense, but can be rewarding… We weren’t supposed to be fed at this gig, but as the dinners were served, Carmella walked over to us and said- “I can get you guys food- there’s lots of extra.” We all had some lovely steak and salmon. Sweet! So remember- BE NICE!)

Anyway- after His Benevolence Pope DJ the X packed up all his gear and left- the highlight of the evening ended up being the ever standard POLKA requests (because that’s why you would hire the Philadelphia FUNK Authority…) and the fact that the majority of the crowd left after dessert.

Ah well…

Fire at Will...iams

2007-03-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

Someone needs to tell Robin Williams to calm the fuck down.

Seriously. We get it. You’re funny. Relax. You got the gig.

I was watching Mork on Sit Down Comedy with David Steinberg, a very cool show on TV-Land, wherein the veteran comedian interviews other comedians and talks about stand up, and influences, and all of the standard stuff associated with a show like this. I had seen an episode with Jerry Seinfeld, and enjoyed the easy going discursive nature of the interview. Jerry wasn’t just doing bits, but was talking about his life and what he finds funny. Very cool. (I used to love-LOVE L.O.V.E. the old show Later with Bob Costas. This was a 1:30 am show that used to air on NBC and was 30 minutes with a single guest. Bob once had Mel Brooks on for FOUR straight episodes, and it was just great. A superlative interviewer with top notch guests. THIS show reminded me of THAT show. Anyway…)

After watching the Seinfeld interview, I saw that the next guest was going to be ol’ Patch Adams himself, and I knew that it would suck. FIRST OFF- the show is normally 30 minutes, but for Cronauer it was going to be a special ONE HOUR edition. Fuck. I had watched Garp on Inside the Actors Studio, and that was a special TWO HOUR version that was…eh. The only reason it was remotely watchable was because Lipton is such a non-entity personality wise, that at least you didn’t feel that Mrs. Doubtfire was stepping all over the host.

On the Steinberg show, the host is a pretty accomplished comedian who has quite a pedigree. He never reached the iconic status of a Carlin or Pryor (or even Klein for that matter…) but still, he's been in the business for neigh 40 years. He's NOT some perfect-toothed douche from Entertainment This Sec or Hollywood Enema Report asking sub-austrolopithacine questions.

Well... the PERFECT example of how FUCKING ANNOYING Rainbow Randolph was- was during one point when the discussion got on the subject of the Marx brothers. After Armand Goldman does a mediocre Chico impression talking about Republicans (nerft) Steinberg starts telling a story that he used to WORK for Groucho Marx. Apparently he wrote the first draft of Minnie’s Boys (a stage play about the Marx brothers and their Mom) and during that time, every Tuesday he would go to Hillcrest country club and have lunch with Groucho, Jack Benny, and George Burns.

I’ll say that again.

HE WOULD HAVE LUNCH WITH GROUCHO, BENNY, AND BURNS.

Does Popeye shut the fuck up to hear maybe nine seconds of WHAT THAT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE? No, he goes off and does a shitty Gracie impression, and then imagines what it would be like if his TV show had been called Mork & Ghandi.

Oh Robin… you’re such a GENIUS. Thank you for sharing your GIFT! Just HOW do you manage to come up with this stuff that you keep coming up with that is supposed to be off-the-cuff but is really the same three voices recycled into the same tired bits from 1986? Tell us- tell us!

Perhaps the MOST frustrating this was that about FOUR PERCENT of the time, Robin talks in a NORMAL voice, and what he says is REALLY INTERESTING. No- REALLY! He talked about going to Iraq and performing for the troops, and hearing a computer voice say “MISSILE DETECTED” when he was on a military plane (cool story).

Then he goes and RUINS it by doing a Pakistani cab driver impression. Sigh.

I’m still waiting for someone to interview him one day and tell him to just RELAX and TALK.

Interestingly enough, the best line of the show came from Steinberg, and not from Jakob the Liar. They were talking about how big Milton Berle’s dick is. (Is? Was? I dunno- a shcwantz like that probably doesn’t decompose… it just gets hung in a deli window… chikaboom…)

Anyway- David told a story about hosting a Roast for Berle, and that of ALL the “big dick” jokes, the best ‘big dick” joke came from comedian Dick Shawn. Apparently Dick said:

“I had a chance to see it- Milton was in the steam room at the Friar’s club, and I thought he was in there with his son.”

Brilliant.

At least Aladdin laughed and didn’t immediately “add” anything.

“Hoo... don’t be afraid…”

No. Be afraid.

By the way- These are the options my spell check gave for “schwantz”

shanty
swats
scants
chants
schwartz
secants
schmaltz
swat
shoats
swans
scanty

Spinning Plait's...

2007-02-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

I talked about the Phil Plait / Joe Rogan radio debate yesterday.

Well… there’s a PART II that was just put up, and I listened to it today.

I have to say that after talking about how much I enjoyed the first show, this second one was a wee bit more annoying. Joe stopped waiting for responses, and did the somewhat standard “conspiracy theorist” tactic of throwing out EVERY POSSIBLE question, and just saying that “it doesn’t make SENSE!” He would point out THIS inconsistency (and Phil would try to address it) and then he’d throw out THIS inconsistency (and Phil would try to address it) and then he’d…

After a while it just got tiring.

Phil did his best, but being on the phone end this time, I think he was at a disadvantage. Debating like this is VERY hard to do, especially when there is a set of FACTS that one side tries to adhere to.

Here's the thing: Complex systems are easy to pick apart. Period. When there’s SO much data available, it EASY to start seeing patterns and inconsistencies THAT AREN’T THERE. When you address and approach an issue with a PRE –CONCEIVED conclusion, that conclusion will only be RE-ENFORCED with every bit of “PSEUDO CONFIRMING” data you find. It happens with conspiracy theories, it happens with fortune tellers, it happens with “hidden messages”, it happens with Paul being dead.

You can look at ANY complex system and start to find internal inconsistencies or patterns and equate a general design or grand scheme to it, so long as you’re looking “backward” for a pre-established conclusion.

What Rogan kept on hammering away at were these as "inconsistencies." He also had the LOVELY position of not having to explain an ALTERNATE theory as to what went on. He could just say- “it all doesn’t make sense… we didn’t go to the moon…” and can ignore stuff like the thousands of people having to lie, the hundreds and hundreds of pounds of moon rocks, the observable remnants of the mission on the moon, the astronauts themselves, the fallacy of and sheer INCORRECTNESS of point after point he brought up…

Joe: the head of NASA resigned DAYS before the moon launch. Why?

Phil: Well no, he resigned almost a YEAR before.

Joe: Well yeah WHY!!!?? (ignoring the fact he just got wrong)

Phil: Well I don't know but it could be because...

Joe: WHY DON'T YOU KNOW!!?? DUDE!

AND he doesn’t need to offer ANY concrete reason why or more importantly HOW the landings would be faked on a such a grand scale. “I dunno man... it just doesn’t make sense…” isn’t the BEST argument.

(I still like Joe Rogan, but I think that his ire is COMPLETELY misdirected.)

OK. It is RIDICULOUSLY easy to make lots of DATA look like it’s supporting a PRE-CONCEIVED conclusion, ESPECIALLY when you gather said data with that very pre-conceived conclusion in mind.

Let’s try an experiment.

I’m going to show that the way things are arranged around my computer relate DIRECTLY to my date of birth. I have no idea if this will work, but what the fuck- let’s have some fun. (I promise all of the numbers and facts I’m about to spew are 100% accurate and not at all pre-planned. Seriously.)

This is my workstation. Pretty fucking glamorous, no?
There's always an intern under the desk ready to blow me.
I'm pretty sure his name is Eugene.

I was born June 8th, 1971. 6/8/71

That’s the data. Let’s go find it.

OK. First off, my keyboard is 17 inches across. 17 backwards is 71. SEVENTY ONE

Seven plus one equals eight. EIGHT

That very same keyboard is four inches away from the edge of the desk, and since two hands type on a keyboard, 4 and 4 is 8. June is the eight month of the year. EIGHT

My mouse pad is an eight by eight inch square. EIGHT.

My iMac monitor is 19 inches across. Nine minus one equals eight. EIGHT.

The screen on that monitor is 17 inches across. 17 backwards is 71. SEVENTY ONE.

From the left most edge of the desk (where Reginald the frog is sitting) to the right most edge of my mouse pad is 71 inches. SEVENTY ONE.

My mouse pad is 64 square inches. I used to have two mouse pads.
6+8+1+9+7+1=32 32 times 2 equals 64. 6/8/71

From the front edge of my desk to the center of my podcasting mic is 17 inches. 17 backwards is 71. SEVENTY ONE.

My lamp is 24 inches high. Two plus four equals six. SIX

My microphone is 16 inches from base to top. 16 plus 16 equals 32. 6+8+1+9+7+1=32. 6/8/71

The chord on my headphones is 85 inches long. 6+8+71= 85 6/8/71

Let’s get sillier shall we?...

Assign a number to each letter (a=1, b=2, c=3 etc…) and take the words JUNE and HRAB. June is 10, 21,14, 5. Hrab is 8, 18, 1, 2. Add all those numbers together and you get eighty-eight. EIGHT

Using the same system take the non-repeating letters in HRAB and GEORGE (hrabgeor) and add up their values. You get seventy three. Subtract two for the second G and E and you get… SEVENTY ONE.

HRAB = 38
1+9+7+1= 32

38 plus 32 equals 70, the year I was CONCEIVED…

I could go on and on… but this proves ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Doing all of this is the direct equivalent to saying:

Wernher von Braun was a NAZI.
Nazis lie.
The moon landing WAS A LIE.

Ugh.

The real anti-intuitive thing about all of this is that the DEEPER you search for patterns, THE MORE LIKELY YOU’LL FIND THEM. It’s NOT because there are any patterns there to begin with. It’s because as you start to use more and more DATA to customize results that fit your PRE-CONCEIVED notion, you retain the confirming results and IGNORE the negative results. (I measured the distance from the wall to my computer. It was 20 inches. That number was no good, so I ignored it. IF it had been 19 inches, I would have said 9 minus 1 is EIGHT and used it. See?)

That’s why the deeper you delve into the JFK assassination, the Paul is dead mythos, or WHATEVER, the MORE stuff seems weird and bizarrely non-coincidental. It’s all equivalent to my desktop birthday scenario. BELIEVE me I could do all this again using my same “desk data pool” and find numerical connections to Zappa’s birthday, or David Byrne’s solo albums, or Stan Freberg’s shoe size or ANYTHING. The more I “researched”, the more “connections” I would find.

It IS kinda creepy though… kidding!

Regardless, kudos however to Phil Plait for TRYING to deal with a much more interruptive (this time) Joe Rogan.

The Moon, Mencia, and Minutiae

2007-02-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

So first off- Podcast number THREE available tomorrow. It’s looking to be a good one. Perhaps one of the top three of ALL TIME. Nerft.

I recently listened to a great broadcast of the Penn Jillette program on Free FM in New York. He had as his guests both Phil Plait, the Bad Astronomer himself, and Joe Rogan- the former host of Fear Factor. (Or the host of the former Fear Factor.)

Joe Rogan is a friend of Penn’s, and though they agree on a LOT of things (atheism, religion, politics) the one thing they COMPLETELY are diametrically opposed on is the subject of the moon landings. Joe thinks they were faked in a movie studio, and Penn of course knows that we DID land on the moon in '69. I guess that Penn figured it would be a decent show to have another friend of his- Phil Plait- come on the show and “debate” Joe. I say “debate’ because this was in reality a much friendlier conversation. Although I completely think Joe is off his nut on this subject, he was VERY entertaining and asked TONS of great questions, while never talking down or insulting Phil. Phil TOTALLY held his own and just kept answering EVERY point that Joe would bring up. It was so GREAT to listen to an intelligent conversation (albeit about a subject that should be a real NO BRAINER), as opposed to the standard name-calling and talking-over that you usually hear at a radio or TV “debate.”

Check out the broadcast here- it’s about 45 minutes long, but is REALLY worth it.

I met Phil at Dragon*Con last year, and had a chance to buy him and Frasier Cain dinner at the local Hard Rock. It was the first night of the conference, and Derek and Swoopy introduced me to Phil and Frasier. The co-hosts of Skepticality decided to call it a night, and the remaining three of us went out and got some chow. Phil could not have been cooler. We had a great conversation about a TON of stuff, and I think that I held my own science-wise, considering I was talking to the freakin' BAD ASTRONOMER HIS-SELF. He ended up signing his book for my Dad, who is also a huge fan of his. (My dad teaches chemistry and biology- so I asked Phil to sign it- “Mr. Hrab- this will DEFINITELY be on the test… Phil Plait.” Ha.)

* * * * * * * * * * * *

On a slightly different subject, if you zip over to Mr. Rogan's site, there's an interesting thread concerning his recent accusations against Carlos "I'm Actually Half German and My Name Is Ned" Mencia. His site has a great video of him confronting Carlos about stealing jokes. It's pretty entertaining.

I have NEVER found Carlos "White People Do Theeees and Beaners Do Theeeees" Mencia funny (his jokes are REALLY easy and obvious) but I wasn’t aware of the joke stealing controversy until I read some of Joe’s posts.

Interesting...

Concerning stealing…I have written melodies in complete innocence that have turned out to be “borrowed” from existing songs. I have a rule that if I have heard the song, I’ll change the melody, but if I HAVEN’T ever heard the song, I won’t. It’s a bit difficult and you have to be brutally honest with yourself, but I think that it’s the best approach.

FOR EXAMPLE-

The guitar riff of the 1st bar of Barney’s In the Vent is IDENTICAL to the 1st bar of the Velvet Revolver song Slither. Slither was released in June of 2004, and I had written the riff to Barney WAAAAY back in 2000. I had never used it until Interrobang because it’s ACTUALLY a rip-off of one of my OWN riffs. Listen to Triage from Minutiae, and you’ll see that although the timing is quite different, the intervals are the same. At the time I though they sounded too similar, so I filed it away. I ended up using it on Interrobang because the context of the tune was so different from Minutiae, and I REALLY liked the melody I came up with. Once I heard Slither I was a wee-bit distressed, but the melodies of the tunes are SO different, AND the second bar of the riffs take very divergent paths so I breathed a sigh of relief.

Ahhh.. THE PROCESS.

The only thing I would ever knowingly steal from Scott Weiland would be his pants.

My Oscar Acceptance Speech

2007-02-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

Wow gosh… I know that we’re not supposed to READ a long list, but I just learned how to this week, so I feel like showing off. First and foremost I have to thank God.. not for letting me win, but for insuring that everyone else that I was up against LOST. Ha ha. F all of ya. I WILL however thank Zuul for making my entire career possible. Without him- and his nine wings of razor gilded fate- nothing is possible.

I have to thank the little people… Billy Barty, Verne Troyer, Robert Reich and Bridget the Midget. Not because they had any DIRECT influence on my career, but because they’re just so freakishly entertaining to observe.

Wow…I still don’t believe it…it’s just starting to sink in… I mean the Police actually ARE going on tour. Wowzers… Oh- this is pretty cool too.

There’s my agent Phil Bronkelbergenstein who really brings new meaning to the word “friend.” That new meaning is “backstabbing money stealing asshole.” There’s my manager and part time pool boy Ramon Ramon who really knows how to skim off the top. Literally.

I have to thank my director, a man who truly exemplifies all that is good and wholesome with this business… a man that provided me with an incredible opportunity when few others would talk to me... a person that really is MORE than an incredible human… and a man whose name I REALLY wish I could remember. You know who I mean- the guy with the hair… you know… Directy McDirector… anyway.. THAT guy. Wow. Thanks.

I know that wherever they are, my Mom and Dad are both looking down and smiling. I got them the cheapest seat I could, which I think are LITERALLY on the roof... I dunno… PLUS with all of the booze and paxil I bet they’re not only smiling but DROOLING. Anyhoo- Thanks guys. Please have my laundry ready by tomorrow, m’kay?

I do have to pause for just one second, and modestly recognize two people that have given me the quiet strength and humble dignity to patiently deal with STOP PLAYING THAT GODAMN PIANO I’LL FINISH WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY… as I was saying to patiently deal with all of life’s challenges. Thank you Mel and Michael. I can’t wait to see you both again at the meeting.

Finally, I have to thank the Academy. No, not THIS Academy, but the Barbizon Hair Academy. Without their incredible support, training and products, I don’t think I would ever have achieved the amount of debt I have. Seriously. I can sell this thing right? It IS filled with chocolate, isn’t it?

I guess my time is almost up, seeing as how the LA Sherrif's Deptartment is waving from the wings. Nice.

Oh, and...

I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD… WOO HOO!... YOU REALLY LIKE ME! ... I HAD A GAY TEACHER! ...'TIS A FAR FAR BETTER THING... Stop pushing.. I’m done I’m done…

Why? Cuz Roman...

2007-02-22T15:07:00.000-05:00

Growing up Roman Hrab was my hero.

Let me ‘splain.

My dad has an older brother named Roman. That’s my Uncle. (Duh.) Uncle Roman has a son named… Roman. (My Dad’s name is George by the way, so if you ever meet a Hrab, just call ‘em George or Roman- you have a 50% chance of being right… anyway…) Younger Roman was (and interestingly enough STILL is) eight years older than me.

OK. I have to stray for a second and not only set up the playing roster of my childhood by relaying the cousin/sibling birthing order, but because the American/English names can lead to confusion, I have to explain the uniquely obfuscating Ukrainian Hrab clan given-name/nick-name dilemma and corollary.

Just about all of the immediate family members had their given name, their Ukrainian equivalent, and their Family Nickname. NO ONE was EVER called by their GIVEN Ukrainian name. IF you were called by your GIVEN Ukrainian name you were in so much fucking trouble that the TERROR you’d be feeling wouldn’t allow you to hear properly ANYWAY.

Here goes: (and these are going to be spelt and sound weird because remember I’m transliterating Ukrainian sounding names…)

See? Simple. You have the four cousins Mondzio, Nana, Lesia and Uki; and their American counterparts Roman, Adrienne, Sandy and George. There were also the Kowals, who while not “official” first cousins, they still seemed like that. They were the son and daughter of Ernie Kowal, the guy that my Dad formed a band and played with, but for some reason they had no nicknames and were called by their given names Andrij and Tanya.

All six of grew up together and spanned in age from Mondzio, the oldest to ME the youngest. (I think the correct ascending order is Mondzio, Andrij, Lesia, Nana, Tanya, and me.)

So let me restart.

Growing up Modzio was my hero.

Mondzio always existed as this older, cooler, more experienced, hip presence in my life. As a kid, I could always rely on this (in my eyes) ADULT to have all of the SECRET insights into the world and the universe. He had been AROUND ya know…I mean just as an example he was FOURTEEN when I was SIX. Old dude, right?

While I was busy listening to Hall and Oates, Mondzio turned me on to Talking Heads. I can remember him giving me a mix tape where one side was Speaking In Tongues, and the other had a bunch of songs from a band called FEAR. (An insanely innocent 8th grader hearing “Let’s Have a War” and “Beef Baloney” in one sitting is really a sphincter opening experience.)

Mondzio had that detached coolness that I could only aspire to. He always seemed to be so far ahead of what was happening… While I was just starting to dig The Police and thought Zenyatta Mondata was the shit- Mondzio told me about this incredible American rockabilly band that was cutting its teeth in England. That band was (don’t laugh) The Stray Cats, and somehow Mondz knew about them two years before they showed up on MTV. By the time I was loving THEM Mondz was giving me copies of Brian Eno and David Byrne’s My Life in the Bush of Ghosts. Shit WAY too freakin' cool for a sheltered kid like me.

I knew that Mondz smoked and drank, but in all of the times he would try and guide me towards “hipness” I can’t recall a SINGLE time he offered me a drink or a smoke or a drug of ANY kind. I’ve wondered if this was a conscious decision, or if my Dad or Uncle had perhaps spoken to him and said “this kid worships you, BE CAREFUL what you suggest.” I wouldn’t be surprised if that had happened, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if Mondzio just decided on his own to keep THOSE influences away from his little cousin.

Mondzio also had an incredible affinity for art. I remember him painting one ENTIRE wall of his room to look like the cover of Joe Jackson’s Night and Day album. He was also always making cool posters and art project for high school. I remember him winning awards for his work, and his pride really coming through whenever he talked about painting and art.

The entire North wall of Mondzio's room was painted to look like this.
He did it entirely by hmself and it was scarily accurate.This was 1983.
I had essentially just stopped pooping in my pants and still thought Bert and Ernie were straight.

As we all got older and older, Mondzio went off to college, and apparently tried to keep his Mom and Dad happy by studying business or some thing like that. This surprised most of us seeing as how his artistic talents were pretty undeniable. Reports from school were that he was miserable, and there was a brief time where he disappeared for a few months and needed to figure out what he really wanted from his life. I don’t remember or know ALL of the details, but from what I can recall, he confronted his folks and said that he wanted to go to art school. I think his “disappearance” convinced his parents that he was serious about doing what he wanted to, and they agreed to help him find a school where he could study his passion.

After getting his degree, he started traipsing around Europe, and became the continental traveler dude. By this time I was seriously considering studying music, mostly because he had paved the way. I probably would have studied music regardless, and my parents were ALWAYS completely supportive, but having a cousin doing the “non-traditional” education thang made my choices that much simpler to justify and follow.

During the college years, the cousins grew apart, and we would hang out less and less. Mondzio was out of the country, most of us were either finishing or starting college, and the opportunity to hang and do family stuff just seemed to fade away.

That all changed when Mondzio invited EVERYONE to Hungary for his wedding. He had been teaching English in a school in Hungary when a friend of his from the States (Jenny) came over to Europe and ended up staying out there with him. The two of them announced the engagement and decided to have their celebration in Pecs, a beautiful small town about 3 hours outside of Budapest. I was lucky enough to be able to not only go, but Mondz asked me to be his best man.

Very cool.

After this trip, there seemed to be a renaissance in the cousins’ relationships. We all started hanging out more and more, Mondzio and Jenny moved back to the States, and eventually Andrij joined a still gestating Funk Authority and helped to make the band the behemoth it is today. (I hadn’t spoken to Andrij for YEARS at that point, and it STILL blows my mind that we were out of touch for so long. Now, with the funk band and Geologic, we probably talk almost every day. Nice. He just had a baby girl by the way!)

The cousins were now grouped off into romantic pairings, so that after a lifetime of being used to refering to siblings as MondzioNana... or LesiaUki... we had to create new neural pathways and get used to saying MondzioJenny and NanaBret and LesiaVictor and UkiDonna and... Most everyone got married and started pumping out children, all of who hang out with each other and are now growing up together the same way we all did. They're all WAY closer in age however... so it will be fascinating to watch the personalities develop. Anyway...

[backtracking] While I was working on my second record (back in '99) , I asked if Mondzio would be willing to paint an album cover for me. He unhesitatingly agreed, (yes!) and created the insanely beautiful Minutiae. I can remember driving to his (then) Jersey City studio, and expecting to pick up a small 12” x 12” canvas, and being greeted by a one and a half by eight foot masterwork. He told me I could have it.

“Keep it Ukes- it’s yours.”

That painting hangs with reverence in my living room, and is more valuable to me than owning the original artwork of “Relayer.”

The reason I tell you all this is because you need to go to Mondzio’s site and check out his work. He teaches up at Bard college, and has recently been creating what I humbly think is some of his best work. He has an amazing series called “Road Squiggles” that’s based on (get this!) street skid marks and tar drippings. It’s this amazing juxtaposition of images that make these road squiggles look like ancient calligraphic treasures. Insanely cool stuff.

Check out his newly re-vamped site here.

I’ll always be grateful to Mondz for nurturing the artist in me, not laughing at how square I am- and for revealing the value of everything from Pollock to The Pistols.

Poseidon Adventure

2007-02-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

I’m back! Hoo. Ray.

OK- new podcast available tomorrow (Wednesday) Go here and get it.

All went well with the body painting- the turnout could have been greater (welcome to the Geologic Universe!) but it’s all kewl… Marci and Kevin were very gracious hosts, and all of the folks I met over the weekend were as nice as could be. Sacramento was fun- the trip would have been worth it for the WEATHER alone. 70 degrees and BEAUTIFUL. I had a great Sunday afternoon walking around the California State Capitol building, the adjacent park, and what is called Old Sacramento- But I’ll give you more details in the next few days. I have no idea what time or day it is, seeing as I lost two nights over the weekend due to plane travel. I’m beat, but happy. Listen to the cast, and I’ll tell ya more later.

Here are some raw shots of the ages of Poseidon. Just a peak…

Dig it-

Establishing shot. Here we are about 3 plus hours into the session.
I'm all green, and this is the "young" beardless Poseidon. The Prince, as it were...
We're still trying to get the perspective correct with the tail and the rocks.

The Three Stages of Sea Deity

No Beard

Medium Beard (The New King)

Wacked Out King Lear Beard (Old Senile Fish)

This is towards the end of about five hours, trident in hand.

What...no shrimp?
Just as I did this some guy walked past the window and got a PRIMO view of my ass.
He ran away shaking his head and wondering about his future therapy bills.

This is when Marci called Michael & Evo and left a message as "Imp."
I begged Evo to save me and call the police.

We got a whole slew of pics, plus Chris from San Fran was there and she shot a bunch too- so hopefully I'll get a chance to see those as well. We're going to mess with the color on these, and do something mondo cool. In the meantime, Kevin DID interview me for his podcast, and that should be up in the next day or so HERE.

It's great to be back. I'm going to go eat something.

Off to CA

2007-02-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

OK- I’m supposed to do an interview with Dave Jackson from Musician’s Cooler, I need to practice my acoustic stuff, go to the gym four more times, pack, write a setlist for Friday, write a setlist for Saturday, figure out how to get to the Hotel from the Airport in Sacramento, figure out to get from the Hotel to the Gallery, change my guitar strings, drive to Atlantic City, gig in Atlantic City, drive to the Philly Airport, get on a plane and go to Sacramento. YES! SO I’ll need to be brief. I won’t post another blog till Monday at the earliest- sorry, but hopefully I’ll have some fun stories from the road.

Why am I going to Sacramento?

Go here to find out.

In the mean time, to keep your minds occupied, I STRONGLY suggest that you zip over here and read an incredible exchange betwixt Sam Harris (atheist writer) and Andrew Sullivan (conservative homosexual catholic).

This is a LONG exchange of e-mails between two EXCELLENT writers- but I think that Mr. Harris defends his positions BRILLIANTLY, while Andrew (whose writing I do enjoy) tends to trump out old arguments…. Regardless- enjoy- and tell me what ya think. See ya next week!

Thing...Thing a Thong

2007-02-14T15:35:00.000-05:00

OK- First off- The Premiere Numero Uno First Exclusive Primary Cardinal Podcast is up and available at www.geologicpodcast.com. I think it went pretty ok. Tell me whatcha think. (There's a little promo thingy on the side menu, or HERE in case you want to know what it’s all about.) New casts will be available EVERY WEDNESDAY. Spread the word. Or at least spread something.

Second- I’m in the final stages of getting ready for the Sacramento Body Painting Show. I have a gig with PFA in Atlantic City on Friday night. We finish that job at 2 am. (Yetch, we’re at the Blue Martini Death Trap and Synthetic Drums Parlor. Go here for more on that) then I drive to Philadelphia Airport, and have a 5:45 AM flight. I go to Seattle, then change planes and end up in Sacramento sometime around 12:30 West Coast Time.

I’ve been in heavy training mode for this show for about 5 weeks now, with the final two weeks being the real bear-down time. I think I might have peaked a bit early, seeing as I am having a funk of a time staying focused during my (sometimes) twice daily workouts. Maybe hardcore for FOUR weeks is the way to go next time. Ah well- we learn, we learn… Anyway- In the back of my mind I was always wondering how I was going to be with the whole danglies hangin’ naked thing- and if really being in front of a crowd of strangers would be weird or exciting or what. (I kept telling friends, “I’m not worried about my junk- I’m worried about my abs…”)

Well- I just got an e-mail from Kevin the painter telling me that the Gallery wants me to wear something over my crotchetudenal area. [See Kevin's work here, and see the gallery here]

My first reaction was “bunch of prudes!” but I guess this will be better off in the long run. I was having quite a dilemma wondering who would eventually see photos and video from the session. Friends? FAMILY? Clients? Nephews- nieces? It could be weird having my family’s jewels seeing my family jewels. Anyway. I have to go on-line and find a flesh colored thong-thing that won’t look TOO stupid…as if that even possible.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Lastly- On a COMPLETELY different tangent- Al Franken declared that he’s running for senate today. I checked out his announcement and I have to say that this was one of the most balanced, honest, and downright listenable pronouncements from a politician (or potential politician) I’ve EVER heard. Regardless of what you think politically, his sincerity and clarity is hard to deny. Check it out, and hear why he wants to run for Senate here.

Lookit My Mail Sack

2007-02-13T20:05:00.000-05:00

So two quick things.

I miss mail. Like REAL stamp in the corner, pieces ‘o paper mail. Like dog chasin’ the mailman crumpled in the slot, hand cancelled Ben Franklin legacy carryin’ MAIL. Like person to person writing on an ACTUAL hunk o’ papyrus that has the potential to stick around for a few hundred years Dear John comma PROOF of the existence of past history MUTHER F’IN MAIL.

Here’s how much I miss mail:

IF you mail me a postcard I’ll send you an album.

SERIOUSLY.

Send me a post card with your name and address on it AND which CD you’d like, and if I get your card in the next 6 weeks- I’ll send you a disc.

REALLY.

If you like it- GREAT, if you don’t…EAT CHAIN.

Send it HERE:

George Hrab
MAIL SACK GIVEAWAY
77 West Broad St. #5
Bethlehem, PA 18018

And remember to say if you want

[sic] Minutiae Vitriol Coelacanth or Interrobang

Write something funny and maybe I’ll send you a little extra somethin’ somethin’.
Limit one disc per address. Unless you can relly make me laugh... then we can tawk.

NO- FER REAL YO.

Second-

The podcast begins tomorrow. Wednesday. Valentines Day. Just 'cause I HEART each and every one of you...

SHOW NUMBER ONE will be available HERE

http://www.geologicpodcast.com/

Holy nut munchers.

All your favorites, and not so favorites INCLUDING-

The History Chunk
Religious Moron of the Week
Interesting Fauna
Science Minute
And much much more…

N. Joy.

Would I Like Me?

2007-02-11T16:58:00.000-05:00

So I realized the other day that on a certain level it must suck to be the creator of something truly timeless and excellent.

Let me ‘splain-

I was watching a VH-1 Classic presentation of the Making of Dark Side of the Moon, and they had a series of interviews with all four of the Floyds. They discussed everything from technical to emotional aspects of making the record. As usual with these shows, it was quite interesting. Included was a bunch of film from the actual Abbey Road sessions. (These bits were originally interspersed in the movie of Floyd Live at Pompeii, seeing as they were working on Dark Side at the time. How fucking fortuitous is that…) Anyway, toward the end of the show David Gilmour says that on a certain level he was sad because he never got to hear the album for the first time, and how much he wishes that he could have enjoyed it.

Amazing no? It’s something that I’ve never really thought about. It must suck that the members of Pink Floyd never really get to hear a Pink Floyd album, the way EVERYONE ELSE does. I guess that applies to ALL art. Charles Dickens never got to read any of his stories…Picasso never got the visceral thrill of seeing his painting for the first time…Frank Gehry has never been surprised by one of his building’s quirks…

The closest one can come to something like this is by FORGETTING what was in the piece to begin with. I know that I occasionally find live recordings from shows that are YEARS old, and upon listening, I have little to no recollection of that specific performance. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.. This just happened to me this week. My good friend JP (more about our new project in a future post…) just posted some old demos that I had played on about six or seven years ago. I had totally forgotten that we had worked on ‘em. They were really cool! Go figure. (You can check them out HERE…I’m playing on Better Without You.)

Similarly, back in the fall, while we were remastering [sic], I heard some nice surprises. I realized that I hadn’t listened to the record, start to finish, in about 6 years or so. Interesting. I mostly wondered however, how in the HELL we managed to finish the whole thing in 5 days…

[Now, me listening to [sic] after a 72 month respite does NOT come close to what someone would experience if THEY went to CD Baby and bought [sic] for a measly ten bucks and heard it for the first time and dug the tunes which you can do HERE by the way which is so freakin’ easy just go ahead and click already and ALL of my stuff is available there and it all makes a great gift too and… ]

Now in NO WAY am I comparing myself to Mssrs. Gilmour et al, but I wonder what my reaction would be to hearing a George Hrab album for the first time. Would I like it? I mean- would I have the same expectations of someone who didn’t write the album? I know that sometimes a friend will recommend music to me that’s “just like your stuff!” and I listen and it doesn’t quite do it for me… People make specious connections between subjects I’ve written ABOUT, or odd time signatures, or even naked dudes on the cover, and assume that I’ll like it JUST because of that connection.

“…There’s this guy who wrote this song about a fish too!
He’s JUST like you.. YOU’LL LOVE IT!”

“…well no- THAT guy can’t write an interesting melody- he just likes COD…”

“Check him out Geo- He’s naked- JUST LIKE YOU!”

“ummm… yeah- but that guys sings Vietnamese Karaoke…”

anyway…

WOULD I like my material if I wasn’t so invested in it? I dunno. Maybe after I finish the next record I can have a stroke, go through recovery, and then hear it for the first time.

Bye Bull

2007-02-09T16:28:00.000-05:00

So I was working on the blog for today, and I wanted to do a parody of the first book of John. I don’t REALLY know this book, I only know that it’s the youngest of the gospels, was written by a slew of people, has the LEAST amount of connection to any historical accuracy regarding Christ, and is generally LOVED by the collar monkeys in the church I grew up in.

I started writing some shit that dealt with the thing instead of the light. (apologies To Peterpotamus.)

Here’s how far I got before I had to stop…

In the beginning was the thing: and the thing was with Bill and he swore he’s get it back to me by Wednesday.

The same was the last time we lent the thing to Bill.

All things were lent to him: and without him nothing would have to be lended.

By him was the thing: and the thing really needs to get back here, asap.

And the thing didn’t shineth in darkness: for the batteries had run kaput.

There was a man sent from us, to get the thing whose name was John.

This man came for the thing, to give Bill a chance to explain, so that we wouldn’t immediately kick the shit out of Bill.

He didn’t have the thing, but was supposed to GET the thing from Bill.

That was the true thing, which enlighteneth every man that checketh out the thing.

He was over at Bill’s: and Bill’s was not THAT far away: but Bill’s was sorta hard to find.

He came unto his own (eewww!): and it's no wonder Bill received him not.

But as bill eventually received him, he gave Bill the batteries to power the thing, so that they could both use the thing.

Who are bored, not of TV, nor of the internet, nor of the New York Times, but of Bill.

And the thing was made fresh and worked among us (and we saw the thing’s glory, and it was pretty freakin’ cool), full of stuff and neato shit.

John beareth witness of him and crieth out, saying: This was the thing of which I spoke: He that shall come after me is second: because he was here before I got in line.

And of his thingness we all have received: and grace for grace.

For the thing was given by Joey: its stuff and neato shit came by UPS.

No man hath seen the thing for a long time: Bill, who is being a real prick, he hath ignored us…

Now- I realize this is essentially crap. The jokes BARELY work. Sorry. I only posted THAT so that I could post THIS:

As I was transposing the real text into my crappy version, I had to stop.

HAVE YOU EVER READ THIS SHIT? Holy crotch biscuits is this WEIRD…

I figured it would be more interesting if we looked at some of this stuff line by line.

In the beginning was the Word: and the Word was with God: and the Word was God.

Right out of the gate we have this beauty. The word WAS god and was WITH god at the same time. Oooohhh- spooky! This is like Harvey the rabbit only with gold embroidered shirts. This is like a shitty 1st grade riddle that makes you want to beat the snot out of Mrs. Crabapple. This is like an Escher painting done with bullshit and bat urine. This is like a fun house hall of mirrors where you get to ass rape altar boys. Nice!

The same was in the beginning with God.

Ummm… aren’t we already talking about god? I bet god would ask for a steak sandwich… and a steak sandwich. BWA HA HA HA HA... borrow your towel.

All things were made by him: and without him was made nothing that was made.

Oooooooooo….K. Did he not make the stuff that wasn’t made? COULD he UN-make the non-made stuff? Or would he have to make it to un-make it? If he made it though, wouldn't that preclude it being nothing made? Dude. DUUUUDE! (If this isn’t like the LAMEST cannabis addled conversation you’ve ever heard... I don’t know what is. Let’s continue…)

In him was life: and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness: and the darkness did not comprehend it.

OK- that’s fine. No problems here… symbolic light.. cool. Then we get to John:

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. This man came for a witness, to give testimony of the light, that all men might believe through him.

OK- FIRST OFF, why name this guy John? If we’re READING the gospel of John, are we supposed think that John is such a prick that he writes about himself in the third person, OR are we just supposed to KNOW this is a different John? Shitty editing, people! Who worked on this- Judith Regan? And what’s this “all men might believe through him?” I though t that was Jesuses’s job. Anyway-

He was not the light, but was to give testimony of the light. That was the true light, which enlighteneth every man that cometh into this world. He was in the world: and the world was made by him: and the world knew him not. He came unto his own: and his own received him not. But as many as received him, he gave them power to be made the sons of God, to them that believe in his name.

Hello- PRONOUN POLICE! Who the fuck are we talking about? Is this John, or the light? Or is it some Light-John with half the Prophesies of our Regular John? I guess the light is the soon to arrive Jesus (he), but the guy giving testimony to the light is John (also he), and I’m the confused reader (me). AT LEAST Yoda knew when to use a fucking pronoun. (The light is Jesus…hrm…Water to wine he shall change…hrm…) So- John is baptizing and providing everyone with “the power to be made sons of god” right? Or is that the light? AHHH!

Who are born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.

Uhhh..True? Is this a question? Yes- but not often? Swordfish.

And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us (and we saw his glory, the glory as it were of the only begotten of the Father), full of grace and truth.

Ok ok ok THIS is Jesus right?

John beareth witness of him and crieth out, saying: This was he of whom I spoke: He that shall come after me is preferred before me: because he was before me

Umm… say that again please?

He that shall come after me is preferred before me: because he was before me.

He that was after you is preferred because he was BEFORE you? Whaaaa? Does before mean “chronologically before” in one case, and then “standing in front of” in the other? Who edited this- the guy from Python’s Argument Clinic?

And of his fullness we all have received: and grace for grace.

Sentence fragment John. Please see me after class.

I could go on and on like this, and maybe I’ll finish the 1st book in another post, but I’ve asked it before, and I’ll ask it again- DOES ANYONE REALLY READ THIS SHIT? I mean REALLY READ it? It all sounds like nice poetry- but by that logic everyone should walk around with medallions of e.e.cummings.

Hmmm… maybe I’ll start that…The 1st Church of You Said Is [reformed].

“Can I call you e?"

" No, please call me e.”

Inherit the Gym

2007-02-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

So while I was working out last night down at the gym , I was drifting through the cable channels available on their state-of-the-art treadmills. I like to pick one thing and watch it throughout my workout, and not get into the habit of surfing. (Surfing tends to make the rest periods of an interval workout seem to go FASTER, which is the last thing you want…) Anyway- I had landed at the beginning of the great Back To The Future on the Family channel- but I COULDN’T STAND the fact that the channel had EDITED out some of the violence. There’s this great sequence early in the film where Doc Brown gets chased down and shot by the Libyan terrorists… you see the bullets fly up his chest, and Marty in a panic shuts the door of the Delorian and takes off. The family channel decided that this was TOO much for anyone over the age of FETUS to handle, so all you see of this sequence is Marty looking over and seeing Doc lying on the ground- thereby ELIMINATING Marty’s motivation to drive off. Unedited, Marty knows Doc is dead, and he runs away, accidentally going over 88 miles an hour, engaging the flux capacitor, whooshing back to 1955 and setting up the premise for the entire film. HERE it just looks like Marty is ABANDONING the poor Doc. ON TOP OF THAT all of the “shits” and “damns” are of course dubbed into “shoots” and “mans”, providing an annoying distraction that makes enjoyment of the movie quite difficult. Grr.

FORTUNATELY I zipped around and happened upon AMC which was showing Inherit the Wind. YES. The play Inherit the Wind was a very important catalyst in the development of my cognitive thinking skills, and this movie version staring Spencer Tracy, Fredrich March, Gene Kelly, and even a youngish Harry Morgan (Colonel Potter!) and even youngerish Dick York (Darren #1!) is quite a WONDERFUL adaptation. (There was Showtime version done a few years ago with George C. Scott, and that was very good too- but the classic 1960 black and white film is still my favorite.)

Well- I was prepared to do an hour of intervals on the treadmill o’ doom, but ended up doing 90 minutes. It was an ABSOLUTE pleasure to watch this movie, even though every inch of my fat ass was saying STOP! SIT DOWN! HAVE A COOKIE...

This film (play, script, whatever) is so full of great lines, that I bet that the folks next to me must have thought I was mental. I kept smiling and laughing and nodding with the screen as if I was only missing a tin-foil hat and rubber underwear. Ah well- who gives a shit. To listen to such brilliant writing is worth appearing like someone that belongs on the small bus.

When Drummond (the character based on Clarence Darrow) says

In a child's power to master the multiplication table, there is more sanctity than in all your shouted "amens" and "holy holies" and "hosannas." An idea is a greater monument than a cathedral. And the advance of man's knowledge is a greater miracle than all the sticks turned to snakes or the parting of the waters.

I started repeating: An idea is a greater monument than a cathedral… An idea is a greater monument than a cathedral…. I just fucking LOVE that line, and I wish I could always have it at the ready.

And then of course, dear and deep to my motherfucking soul is:

I don't swear for the hell of it. Language is a poor enough means of communication. We've got to use all the words we've got. Besides, there are damn few words anybody understands…

Fuck yeah!

Poo.

Cock.

Heh.

AND THEN there are a few lines that just are the summation of my beliefs, and they’re words that got me to thinking as a 12 year kid that maybe all this superstition that we’ve been spoon fed is just that- so much superstition. Along with the introduction of the word agnostic this play was showing me that all of the catholic hoo-ha and religious/spiritual CRAP that I’d been spoon-fed as a boy was WORTHLESS in the real world, and that the doubt that I was feeling was not a PHASE but a DESTINATION. How come I (as a fucking SIXTH grader!) could so often stump the priest in religion class? I’m just a stupid kid, and the BEST answer for a whole cassock full of questions would be “well… some things we just can’t know.”

Wha? Two thousand years of preaching TRUTH and your best answer is “we just don’t know”? And do you sell it that way Father? With modesty and a sense that “…yeah some shit in the world is REAL FUCKED UP, and we just don’t get it…” No. FUCK no- it’s always sold like “WE KNOW ALL”- and you must follow THE WAY, and it’s not YOUR PLACE TO KNOW or to even QUESTION. Yawn. At least science is ALWAYS saying “we don’t know” but aren’t purporting to espouse some universal TRUTH. Fuck you father- and no, not literally.

All of this was encapsulated to me by Drummond saying-

…why did God plague us with the capacity to think? Mr. Brady, why do you deny the one thing that sets above the other animals? What other merit have we?

At one point Drummond and Brady are sitting on a porch talking like the two old friends that they are. Brady talks about how his faith gives people hope- and that looking forward to heaven is (for some folks) the only thing they have. “Why would you want to take that away?” he asks.

And then Drummond responds to two thousand years of false hope, uncritical thinking and backwards logic with twenty words of pure fucking genius.

As long as the prerequisite for that shining paradise is ignorance, bigotry and hate, I say the hell with it.

Preach on brother…

Six Months Free

2007-02-07T18:30:00.000-05:00

So I saw a commercial last night for Match.com. You know- the dating site…

Basically the ad said that they guarantee that you’ll find a match in the first six months you use their service. If you DON’T find a match, they’ll provide you six MORE months of service for FREE.

Uhhhhh… wha?

"Yeah! If you can’t find someone in six months, we’ll give you six MORE months-
for NOTHING."

Isn’t that like saying

“our sushi is guaranteed FRESH! If it’s not- we’ll give you a second portion FREE!”

It got me to thinking about a number of OTHER great commercial incentives…

American Doors: Buy one, get one 50% off DOUBLE the price!

Hertz car rental: 10% off compact car rental for groups of 7 or more!

Sunoco: Free Fill Up with purchase of full tank of gas (same trip only)

Philadelphia Funk Authority: Use us for the wedding- get 25% off the divorce party!

Best Western Hotel: Half Off Room Price if you die in your sleep.

Denny’s: If your coffee is stale- it’s FREE.

Samsung: Buy one light bulb, get the second one.

Free Delivery of Stalker Quarterly

Mort’s Proctology Hut: Gift Certificates Available!

Dominos Pizza: Order On-Line, in the store, on the line, by the cash register.

Dr. Alan B. Bailey: Breast Exam Special- Third boob FREE.

Genessee Lite Beer: 50% fewer calories, we only fill the bottles half way.

Pre-Natal Babysitting: First Nine Months FREE

Tex's Barbecue Pit Emporium: Free Car Adapter with purchase

Auction 'Ere

2007-02-06T15:17:00.000-05:00

So Saturday night we played for the Allentown Symphony Ball, which is a fundraiser for a local orchestra here in the Lehigh Valley. It was the third year that we played the ball, and gigwise for the sahara-like month of February it’s a pretty decent job. One feature of this particular ball is that there is a live auction that takes place during the dinner. The first time we played the event, the executive director of the symphony, Eustace K. Butternut (not his real name…his real name is Steve Wogaman) acted as the auctioneer. Eustace is a VERY nice guy, and I’m sure he’s excellent at what he does, but unfortunately he was a bit out of his element. As he was trying to get people bidding, I stood by him on the stage (running the PA) and quietly tried to help him out. Having played a whole mushroom soup-filled tureen of these events, I’ve witnessed many of these auctions, and have sorta figured out how they work. The key to jacking up the price on any item is to start with LARGE amounts and then get two people bidding against each other at smaller and smaller monetary increments. The psychology is that a bidder will think “…heh it’s only 50 bucks more” about four or five times less than he’ll think “…heh it’s only 25 bucks more.” You have to take advantage of that, and throw large amounts down first, then work to the smaller ones. Pretty obvious thinking, but in the moment, in front of 300 guests, it’s easy to get flustered. ANYWAY- Eustace (with my silent coaching) managed to get some really great bids on a number of things. AFTER the auction he turned to me and said- “If your band is back next year- would YOU like to run the auction?” I’m always up for a challenge (i.e. stupid) and figured- “sure, what the fuck.” (I don’t think I quite put it to him that way though…)

The following year (last year) I ran the auction, and actually had a fun time doing it. I had a wireless mic and was running around on the dance floor trying to get people to bid against each other. When it’s not your money- it can be a LOT of fun announcing amounts like “five…THOUSAND dollars” or “thirty-six…HUNDRED dollars- I have a bid of thirty-six…HUNDRED dollars… is there thirty-SEVEN…” At the conclusion of LAST year's auction I was wondering if everyone on the staff was happy. The highlight of my evening was when one of the organizers, an EXTREMELY dignified and timelessly classy woman (about in her sixties) walked over to me. She was all decked up in a lovely evening gown, and appeared to be THE kind of woman one would see at a charity ball for a symphony. I was anxious to know if she was pleased, because I had spoken to her briefly before the auction. “Everyone happy?" I asked. Now again- picture Angela Lansbury in a Christian Dior gown, smiling a wry smile, turning her head and saying-

“We made a SHITLOAD of money…”

Fucking priceless.

Needless to say they asked me to be the auction-guy again this year.
We started off the night with two quick items: The first was a week’s stay in a village in Tuscany. I believe the minimum was $2000, and it went for somewhere around $3200. Not bad, but not great. The second item was my favorite. The winning bidder would get to conduct one piece with the symphony at an upcoming concert. I told the crowd that if I had disposable income I would TOTALLY bid on this item. The minimum bid was $350, and I got two guys (one in a Phantom of the Opera mask… it was a sort of costume ball by the way) into a war.

“Six hundred, six hundred… do I hear SEVEN. SEVEN to you sir- I HAVE seven… EIGHT to the phantom- eight to the phantom…eight HUNDRED dollars for this once in a lifetime opportunity to conduct the… I HAVE EIGHT. NINE to you sir…”

Maybe I’m fucked up (yeah.. MAYBE) but this was just BALLS fun. The conducting bid topped out at one thousand SEVEN hundred dollars. The Phantom won. Nice. That money was all gravy for the orchestra.

After dinner we were to auction off five other items. A one-of-a-kind couture gown, a weekend at the BMW test track facility in Georgia, a week’s stay at a castle in Ireland, a fur coat (yetch), and the chance to charter a Lear jet to anywhere within one thousand miles of ABE airport. Things went OK- but the problem was that it was a bit late after dinner, and people started milling about and talking and visiting other tables. Now- during the auction, I’m trying to keep track of individual’s hands going up and down and bidding on items. It’s a bit of a challenge because there are THREE HUNDRED people in the room- and it seems like for some fucking reason, a HUGE majority of these people decide to start practicing their semaphore.

“Hey- tuxboy!…You realize there’s an AUCTION going on, right? When you STAND and SWING your hand BACK AND FORTH- I’m going to assume that you want the FUR COAT. Unless you have EPILEPSY and you DON’T want the fur coat, stop WAVING hello to Mayor McGoatnut and sit the fuck down!”

This was the mink we auctioned off.

We managed to get rid of two of them for $8500 a piece.
Seventeen thousand dollars worth of shkeeve. Yoy.

Well- TWICE I finished out the bidding (once on the couture gown, and once on the lear jet) and when the runners went to find the bidders, they were told that they hadn’t bid.

SHE-IT. Fuck me with Stakowski’s Baton and Hair Tonic…

Now- I KNOW that a guy looked at me during the gown bid and put $2100 on the dress. He looked RIGHT AT ME and raised his hand. There is a SLIGHT chance that he was just waving to someone else and I misinterpreted it. SLIGHT. However: FUCK YOU. Sit the fuck down and stop waving. I AM %100 POSITIVE however, that the couple that bid on the lear jet, BID ON THE LEAR JET. I looked right at them, we closed out the bid (at around fifty three hundred dollars) and I’ll bet they just got cold feet. Dipshits. I have to say that Eustace was EXCEEDINGLY cool about all of this. Realize that as I would close out the bidding on one item, I’d move on to the next one. About ten minutes later the runners would come up and say- “they’re saying they didn’t bid…” and we’d have to try and reconstruct who the next-to-last bidder was on shit that we did fifteen minutes ago. Sheesh. A private bidder stepped up and bought the gown for $1800, and I managed to figure out which older woman had bid on the lear jet before the reneging asshole couple reneged. She threw down five large on the plane, and everyone was happy.

Phew…

Oh- one other funny thing, I had to read the product descriptions of all the items to the crowd just as we would start the bidding. When it came to the couture gown- the paragraph describing this thing was CHOCK-FULL of words like “tulle” and “duchesse satin” and “hand overcast serging” and “décolleté” and “armscye” and… I nearly had “une gague d’etomache.” Good thing I watch Queer Eye AND Project Runway.

Does that make me gay?

Yes. Yes it does.

This is the lovely couture gown with black duchesse satin and embroidered
décolleté with hand placed semi-precious onyx and faux diamond
armscye stitching featuring a cream tulle mini
train and opalescent millennial corseting.
I asked if I could borrow the dummy for 15 minutes.
They said no.

Anyway, I think once all was said and done, we’d raised close to $25,000 bucks for the symphony. Not too shabby. I think I should have asked for 10% of the gross. Ah well, next time.