Bye Bull

So I was working on the blog for today, and I wanted to do a parody of the first book of John. I don’t REALLY know this book, I only know that it’s the youngest of the gospels, was written by a slew of people, has the LEAST amount of connection to any historical accuracy regarding Christ, and is generally LOVED by the collar monkeys in the church I grew up in.

I started writing some shit that dealt with the thing instead of the light. (apologies To Peterpotamus.)



Here’s how far I got before I had to stop…

In the beginning was the thing: and the thing was with Bill and he swore he’s get it back to me by Wednesday.

The same was the last time we lent the thing to Bill.

All things were lent to him: and without him nothing would have to be lended.

By him was the thing: and the thing really needs to get back here, asap.

And the thing didn’t shineth in darkness: for the batteries had run kaput.

There was a man sent from us, to get the thing whose name was John.

This man came for the thing, to give Bill a chance to explain, so that we wouldn’t immediately kick the shit out of Bill.

He didn’t have the thing, but was supposed to GET the thing from Bill.

That was the true thing, which enlighteneth every man that checketh out the thing.

He was over at Bill’s: and Bill’s was not THAT far away: but Bill’s was sorta hard to find.

He came unto his own (eewww!): and it's no wonder Bill received him not.

But as bill eventually received him, he gave Bill the batteries to power the thing, so that they could both use the thing.

Who are bored, not of TV, nor of the internet, nor of the New York Times, but of Bill.

And the thing was made fresh and worked among us (and we saw the thing’s glory, and it was pretty freakin’ cool), full of stuff and neato shit.

John beareth witness of him and crieth out, saying: This was the thing of which I spoke: He that shall come after me is second: because he was here before I got in line.

And of his thingness we all have received: and grace for grace.

For the thing was given by Joey: its stuff and neato shit came by UPS.

No man hath seen the thing for a long time: Bill, who is being a real prick, he hath ignored us…

Now- I realize this is essentially crap. The jokes BARELY work. Sorry. I only posted THAT so that I could post THIS:

As I was transposing the real text into my crappy version, I had to stop.

HAVE YOU EVER READ THIS SHIT? Holy crotch biscuits is this WEIRD…

I figured it would be more interesting if we looked at some of this stuff line by line.

In the beginning was the Word: and the Word was with God: and the Word was God.

Right out of the gate we have this beauty. The word WAS god and was WITH god at the same time. Oooohhh- spooky! This is like Harvey the rabbit only with gold embroidered shirts. This is like a shitty 1st grade riddle that makes you want to beat the snot out of Mrs. Crabapple. This is like an Escher painting done with bullshit and bat urine. This is like a fun house hall of mirrors where you get to ass rape altar boys. Nice!

The same was in the beginning with God.

Ummm… aren’t we already talking about god? I bet god would ask for a steak sandwich… and a steak sandwich. BWA HA HA HA HA... borrow your towel.

All things were made by him: and without him was made nothing that was made.

Oooooooooo….K. Did he not make the stuff that wasn’t made? COULD he UN-make the non-made stuff? Or would he have to make it to un-make it? If he made it though, wouldn't that preclude it being nothing made? Dude. DUUUUDE! (If this isn’t like the LAMEST cannabis addled conversation you’ve ever heard... I don’t know what is. Let’s continue…)

In him was life: and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness: and the darkness did not comprehend it.

OK- that’s fine. No problems here… symbolic light.. cool. Then we get to John:

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. This man came for a witness, to give testimony of the light, that all men might believe through him.

OK- FIRST OFF, why name this guy John? If we’re READING the gospel of John, are we supposed think that John is such a prick that he writes about himself in the third person, OR are we just supposed to KNOW this is a different John? Shitty editing, people! Who worked on this- Judith Regan? And what’s this “all men might believe through him?” I though t that was Jesuses’s job. Anyway-

He was not the light, but was to give testimony of the light. That was the true light, which enlighteneth every man that cometh into this world. He was in the world: and the world was made by him: and the world knew him not. He came unto his own: and his own received him not. But as many as received him, he gave them power to be made the sons of God, to them that believe in his name.

Hello- PRONOUN POLICE! Who the fuck are we talking about? Is this John, or the light? Or is it some Light-John with half the Prophesies of our Regular John? I guess the light is the soon to arrive Jesus (he), but the guy giving testimony to the light is John (also he), and I’m the confused reader (me). AT LEAST Yoda knew when to use a fucking pronoun. (The light is Jesus…hrm…Water to wine he shall change…hrm…) So- John is baptizing and providing everyone with “the power to be made sons of god” right? Or is that the light? AHHH!

Who are born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.

Uhhh..True? Is this a question? Yes- but not often? Swordfish.

And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us (and we saw his glory, the glory as it were of the only begotten of the Father), full of grace and truth.

Ok ok ok THIS is Jesus right?

John beareth witness of him and crieth out, saying: This was he of whom I spoke: He that shall come after me is preferred before me: because he was before me

Umm… say that again please?

He that shall come after me is preferred before me: because he was before me.

He that was after you is preferred because he was BEFORE you? Whaaaa? Does before mean “chronologically before” in one case, and then “standing in front of” in the other? Who edited this- the guy from Python’s Argument Clinic?

And of his fullness we all have received: and grace for grace.

Sentence fragment John. Please see me after class.


I could go on and on like this, and maybe I’ll finish the 1st book in another post, but I’ve asked it before, and I’ll ask it again- DOES ANYONE REALLY READ THIS SHIT? I mean REALLY READ it? It all sounds like nice poetry- but by that logic everyone should walk around with medallions of e.e.cummings.

Hmmm… maybe I’ll start that…The 1st Church of You Said Is [reformed].

“Can I call you e?"

" No, please call me e.”