My Oscar Acceptance Speech

Wow gosh… I know that we’re not supposed to READ a long list, but I just learned how to this week, so I feel like showing off. First and foremost I have to thank God.. not for letting me win, but for insuring that everyone else that I was up against LOST. Ha ha. F all of ya. I WILL however thank Zuul for making my entire career possible. Without him- and his nine wings of razor gilded fate- nothing is possible.

I have to thank the little people… Billy Barty, Verne Troyer, Robert Reich and Bridget the Midget. Not because they had any DIRECT influence on my career, but because they’re just so freakishly entertaining to observe.

Wow…I still don’t believe it…it’s just starting to sink in… I mean the Police actually ARE going on tour. Wowzers… Oh- this is pretty cool too.

There’s my agent Phil Bronkelbergenstein who really brings new meaning to the word “friend.” That new meaning is “backstabbing money stealing asshole.” There’s my manager and part time pool boy Ramon Ramon who really knows how to skim off the top. Literally.

I have to thank my director, a man who truly exemplifies all that is good and wholesome with this business… a man that provided me with an incredible opportunity when few others would talk to me... a person that really is MORE than an incredible human… and a man whose name I REALLY wish I could remember. You know who I mean- the guy with the hair… you know… Directy McDirector… anyway.. THAT guy. Wow. Thanks.

I know that wherever they are, my Mom and Dad are both looking down and smiling. I got them the cheapest seat I could, which I think are LITERALLY on the roof... I dunno… PLUS with all of the booze and paxil I bet they’re not only smiling but DROOLING. Anyhoo- Thanks guys. Please have my laundry ready by tomorrow, m’kay?

I do have to pause for just one second, and modestly recognize two people that have given me the quiet strength and humble dignity to patiently deal with STOP PLAYING THAT GODAMN PIANO I’LL FINISH WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY… as I was saying to patiently deal with all of life’s challenges. Thank you Mel and Michael. I can’t wait to see you both again at the meeting.

Finally, I have to thank the Academy. No, not THIS Academy, but the Barbizon Hair Academy. Without their incredible support, training and products, I don’t think I would ever have achieved the amount of debt I have. Seriously. I can sell this thing right? It IS filled with chocolate, isn’t it?

I guess my time is almost up, seeing as how the LA Sherrif's Deptartment is waving from the wings. Nice.

Oh, and...

I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD… WOO HOO!... YOU REALLY LIKE ME! ... I HAD A GAY TEACHER! ...'TIS A FAR FAR BETTER THING... Stop pushing.. I’m done I’m done…