Monday, May 7, 2007

Alcoholics and Anamus

Drunk assholes rarely get their comeuppance.

Let me ‘splain.

I live above a bar. Well, it’s really a pub, or at least it USED to be a pub, when I first moved into my place 14 years ago. They served lunch and had a small quiet clientele that would pretty much dissipate by 9:00 at night. That was then. NOW the bar is one of the last vestiges in town for SMOKERS to assemble, so these phlegm hacking monkeys like to WHOOP IT UP under my living room ‘till 2:00 AM , THEN exit the bar in AS LOUD A WAY AS POSSIBLE, screaming at each other as if they were still being pummeled by a DJ, when the only sound they actually have to scream over is the disquieting enzymatic collapse of their collective livers.

THING IS- I’m usually working and away when these nicotards are carousing (Thursday through Sunday) so it really doesn’t affect me TOO much. SOMETIMES though, on a Wednesday or Tuesday night, some folks get stupid and make noise, and set their car stereos to “ass pummel” and wake everyone up… OFTEN these folks are annoying, argumentative, and not very responsive to polite reasoning. (surprise!) You usually walk outside, ask them to turn down the music, and they question the fortitude of your real estate acumen. They then often drive off, and depending on their age, go home to either beat their children, or back to campus for a date rape seminar.

SOMETIMES, VERY RARELY, things go in favor of the house.

LAST WEDNESDAY night I was startled by THE LOUDEST FUCKING CAR STEREO I HAVE EVER HEARD. No joke. It was 2:45 AM. The bumpers on the car were vibrating, as were the porno DVDs on my nightstand. This went on for about 8 minutes, whereby it abruptly stopped. I was figuring that they would drive off, and hopefully wrap themselves around a telephone poll, while injuring no one else. About 60 seconds of quiet went by, and the noise started again. Reluctantly, I went outside and said- ‘guys come ON- are you kidding me? There’s 22 units here, and you’re waking EVERYONE UP... it’s three in the fucking morning…”

To which DJ Drinks-A-Lot said “Oh… I didn’t realize.”

Here then is an abbreviated version of our conversation, using only punctuation.

me: “?!”

him: “…”

me: “….?!”

him: “?”

me: “?...?!”

him: “…”

me: “!!”

him: “…”

me: “!!!!”

…it went on like this for about 10 minutes; covering all of the standard arguing techniques associated with the consumption of alcohol. Challenges, slurred logic, staggered ass-WHOLE-ness, and all the rest, until he essentially was challenging me to PUT him back in his car. (“I’ll good when I’m leave and ready…hic…”)

Suddenly, THE POLICE SHOWED UP. (Keep in mind this guy has had AMPLE OPPORTUNITY to take off, and leave cursing bald guy behind.) Three cruisers. NICE.

After explaining the situation to the police, I stood back and decided to watch this incredibly cool episode of “Cops” unfurl. The police officer COMPLETELY commiserated with me and said “I’ll bust this guys chops for a while then send him home…” SWEET!

Well… It turns out that this guy had NO ID, gave a FAKE NAME to the cop, and an INVALID SOCIAL SECURITY number. All the while he’s doing this, he’s spitting on the ground right by the officer, (how fucking stupid can you be) and insisting “I’m legal!”

After about 10 minutes of questions, the cops PUT HIM IN HANDCUFFS, and placed him in the back of the squad car.

I ALMOST felt sorry for the guy.


In these scenarios, the guy playing the part of “asshole” usually just drives away at his leisure, and you just stand there feeling somewhat impotent. THIS TIME, he ALMOST got what he deserved. As he was walking to the cruiser, cuffed, he looked over at me and said “I’m sorry…”

“I bet you are…” I said.

Things never go like this. Yay.

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