While shopping for some Christmas gifts, I started looking at vacuum cleaners. You know you’ve grown up when you start being excited looking at vacuum cleaners. Anyway, I was looking at the Dyson super cool day-glow yellow model. You know the one- It’s in the commercial where the guy ( I think it’s the inventor, but probably it’s some actor PLAYING the inventor) over-pronounces the word SUCTION. He say it in this lovely ANG-lish way: “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION”. Yes that’s right. Not suck-SHUN, but suck-SION. That got so stuck in my brain that I would walk around my apartment randomly picking up items and proclaiming: (holding spatula) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION…” (pointing at microwave) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION…” (picking up the phone) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION… “(holding a spray can of olive oil flavored Pam) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION…”
It’s how I pass the time in Pennsylvania.
Well- the reason I bring this up is because while looking at the Dyson models at Best Buy, and thinking to myself (thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION) I noticed that one of the features it… well… FEATURES, was a LIFETIME FILTER. Nice. HOWEVER- right next to the display of the vacuums was a little display of accessories. These were some attachments and hoses and cords and doodads that don’t come with the standard machine. Now, next to THOSE accessories was a display of… REPLACEMENT LIFETIME FILTERS.
That’s right- Replacement lifetime filters.
“Now wait” you’re saying “maybe if someone loses the filter, they would need to buy another one, thereby not affecting the ‘lifetime-ness’ of the filter but…”
HEY! ‘Scuse me. Fuck you. How do you lose the filter out of a vacuum? It’s not like you’re in the midst of replacing it and misplace it somewhere… because it’s a GODDAM LIFETIME FILTER. If you’ve lost the LIFETIME FILTER you’ve lost the whole freakin’ Vacuum and then you’ll REALLY LOOSE SUCK-SION.
I just though it was funny. It’s like my favorite movie title of all time:
“The Last Seduction 2.”