Monday, January 8, 2007

I Suck

While shopping for some Christmas gifts, I started looking at vacuum cleaners. You know you’ve grown up when you start being excited looking at vacuum cleaners. Anyway, I was looking at the Dyson super cool day-glow yellow model. You know the one- It’s in the commercial where the guy ( I think it’s the inventor, but probably it’s some actor PLAYING the inventor) over-pronounces the word SUCTION. He say it in this lovely ANG-lish way: “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION”. Yes that’s right. Not suck-SHUN, but suck-SION. That got so stuck in my brain that I would walk around my apartment randomly picking up items and proclaiming: (holding spatula) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION…” (pointing at microwave) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION…” (picking up the phone) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION… “(holding a spray can of olive oil flavored Pam) “Thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION…”

It’s how I pass the time in Pennsylvania.

Well- the reason I bring this up is because while looking at the Dyson models at Best Buy, and thinking to myself (thees one nevah looses SUCK-SION) I noticed that one of the features it… well… FEATURES, was a LIFETIME FILTER. Nice. HOWEVER- right next to the display of the vacuums was a little display of accessories. These were some attachments and hoses and cords and doodads that don’t come with the standard machine. Now, next to THOSE accessories was a display of… REPLACEMENT LIFETIME FILTERS.

Wha?

That’s right- Replacement lifetime filters.

“Now wait” you’re saying “maybe if someone loses the filter, they would need to buy another one, thereby not affecting the ‘lifetime-ness’ of the filter but…”

HEY! ‘Scuse me. Fuck you. How do you lose the filter out of a vacuum? It’s not like you’re in the midst of replacing it and misplace it somewhere… because it’s a GODDAM LIFETIME FILTER. If you’ve lost the LIFETIME FILTER you’ve lost the whole freakin’ Vacuum and then you’ll REALLY LOOSE SUCK-SION.

Sorry.

I just though it was funny. It’s like my favorite movie title of all time:

“The Last Seduction 2.”

Nice.

2 comments:

Leann said...

Ha! That is sorta like what I do when I get on my French kick. Makes things sound soo much cooler.
ANYTHING with an "ment", of course is enforced and loud and MONT. Like "Come over to my apartMONT."
or "We can watch my TV with amazeMONT for entertainMONT." or "I need to have a bowel moveMONT." (see even taking a shit can sound fancy.)
heheheh, ok, I'm done here.
And that stupid ass vacuum just pisses me off. I am glad we have hardwood floors. :)

Oh and another indicator one is getting old, is when you jump up and down at a $100 Home Depot gift card and get excited about buying a pressure washer. yea.

Sarah Paige said...

Or spending an entire christmas bonus on a new motor for your central air conditioner!! (that you just replaced four months ago)

I heard a rumor that you'll be at Balticon, George -- i hope so very much that its true...Dragon*con was fun, but if you go to Balticon it'll be ... funner...