Friday, February 2, 2007

A Piece of History

So I was over at my parents the other day, and I came across a VERY interesting box in their basement. In it was a series of old letters that my grand uncle had written to his family back in the 20s. Unbelievable! My Mom’s dad had a much older brother that had left Ukraine to go study in Germany. I believe he wanted to be a doctor. After World War I, he managed to get a scholarship to a University in Munich, and he wound up studying there for 5 years. At the time, my Grandfather was about 10 years old, and I guess he eagerly awaited letters from his much older brother. I started translating a bunch of these letters (they were originally in Ukrainian) because I found them so incredibly interesting. This one is particularly interesting… he writes about his roommate. Enjoy.

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October 23, 1920 Munich

Dear Olexander-

Things are going very well at university. My classes are challenging and the professors are all very strict but fair. I am so glad that I decided to go to Munich to study- I hope that when you’re older, little brother, you’ll be able to go to a school as fine as this one.

I must however tell you about one slightly nega
tive aspect of my time here so far. We students are assigned rooms in a local common house or Kommun Haus. We have to share rooms with some non-students that live and work in the city. The house is very nice and the rooms are relatively large. “What’s the problem?” you might wonder… Well- I have been assigned to share a room with a young German ex-soldier, by the name of Adolf Hitler. Let me be blunt. This guy is a complete asshole. No- REALLY. Look, you know that I can get along with just about anyone, but this guy is just too much. First off- I’m not one to judge appearances, but you should see what this guy has on his upper lip. Has anyone EVER looked good with that little anchovy mustache thing? You know the kind of ‘stache I mean… it’s IDENTICAL to the one that Oleg The Town Idiot has back home… no REALLY! I mean come on. It’s 1920 for kripe's sake. Look in a MIRROR!

Anyway- that’s just for starters.

Let me ask you something dear brother- Is it SO difficult to not urinate on the seat? You're only TEN and have mastered this "skill." I mean, I know that not everyone has the LUXURY of indoor plumbing, but you’d figure that a guy with military training would be able to aim SOMEWH
AT. Sheesh. But wait- there’s more…

I keep walking in on him in the middle of the day, and often I find him alone, in the corner of the room, breathing heavy, his face in what appe
ars to be both agony and ecstasy… practicing SPEECHES. It’s really creepy. At least if he was wanking it, I'd understand. This is just NUTS. You should hear him- “Rhineland" this, and “Master-race” that. He just keeps spewing spittle on our mirror, and it looks like he’s trying to direct air traffic with his hands. Germany ain’t got no air force dude!

Oh- I forgot to mention the painting! He “paints.” The reason I say he “paints” is because he “paints” about as good as Marlene Dietrich comes across as “fem”.
“Yeah- Nice work Adolf- another brown building. Great…”
Here's something else: Do you think that he could MAYBE wash a dish once in a while? The sink just piles up, and piles up and every time I keep saying to myself- “I’m not gonna clean it, I’m not gonna clean it…” and then it gets to be too much and I just HAVE to wash the freakin’ dishes. Jeez. Hey Dolf- howz'bout you "master racing" over to the kitchen and picking up a sponge and soap once in a while...

Not to harp too much on this subject, but it feels good to vent.

You should see the jerks he hangs out with.
There’s this guy Rudolph. I think is last name is Hess or Hecz or something. I can’t tell. He’s always mumbling. Well: Hess? Another asshole. Just a real ankle biter. Always has his fly open. I mean always. Like on PURPOSE or something. Adolf is always yelling “Rudy- FLY!” and he embarrassingly turns around and zips up. CREE-PY. Then there’s the guy they call Goebbels. His first name is Joe. Another real winner. What's Goebbels like? I'll tell ya what he's like: TOTAL FUCKING LIAR. Here’s an actual conversation I once had with him-

Me: Joe- put back the chocolates you took out of my bag…

Joe: I didn’t take your chocolate…

Me: Dude! I just SAW YOU take the chocolate out of my bag…

Joe: No you didn’t.

Me: Dude! DUDE! I just SAW YOU.

Joe: these are my chocolates, they have ALWAYS been my chocolates.

Me: are you kidding me…

Joe: Adolf said that these have ALWAYS been my chocolates and it’s my RIGHT not only as Reichsorganisationsleiter but as F├╝hrerprinzip to TAKE them and make sure that the LIES of the WEST guarantee that these choc…

Me: ok ok shut the fuck up take the fucking chocolate… aw shit.

I mean how do you deal with someone like that? This kind of crap goes on ALL THE TIME. Adolf and his buddies just like to go down to the bar and drink and talk and talk and TALK about who KNOWS what. I’m surprised these idiots can organize a trip to the caf├ę let alone their ideas about- get this- WORLD DOMINATION. What a bunch of beer hall putzes.

How I managed to wind up with this jackass as a roommate is really beyond me. Hopefully he’ll busy himself with his “book” (“…it’s such a struggle to write…it’s such a struggle to write… my struggle my struggle”… the whiny little bitch… can’t wait to read THAT one) and maybe he’ll move into some other flat. If I’m REAL lucky he’ll eventually move to Berlin.

Thanks for letting me spew in this letter. Ahhh, I f
eel so much better. Please say hello to Mother and Father, and let them know that I’m doing well. I’m off to go do the dishes. Again.



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